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Dear B,
I never understood why you did what you did or why you left me to pick up the pieces and carry all of this trauma. I hate you for it. I hate everything about you and everything about myself, but at least I can finally say that I understand. My biggest regret is not being strong enough, but I'm so tired of being strong and trying to hold myself together. I'll never be happy and I've finally accepted that. I wish I could see you one last time and ask you all of the questions that I never got answers to. Like your name, why you broke all of your promises, and why you brought me into this cruel world. I hate you so much, B. I hate you. I hate myself for still loving you and wishing that you could've been a better mom because I don't want anything to do with you. I wish I could stop having these stupid feelings and thoughts. You don't deserve any love from me, so why do I still love you? It's funny how emotions work. None of it matters anymore, though. I guess in the end, everybody was right about me. I'm just like you. I guess this is fate, and maybe it was written in the stars for me to finally become the very thing that destroyed me.
B... if you're not alive, please spare me anymore suffering and don't visit me in the afterlife. I'm doing this to get away from all of my pain. Just let my soul rest. Please. I'm done hurting.
I hope we never meet again, Mama.
Forever and always,
Your sweet little sunshine, Anna.
***
The smell of isopropyl alcohol was sharp and distinct, seeming to quickly awaken all of my senses, but for some reason, my brain was having a hard time catching up with the rest of my body. Despite the surge of adrenaline running through me due to the panic that was slowly but surely setting in, my body felt cold and heavy — my eyelids being the heaviest. There was a low vibration of resonance in both of my ears, but the harder I tried to focus on the sound, the more I began to panic.
Okay, breathe, Anna. Just focus on breathing.
I allowed myself to listen to the voice inside of my head that was begging me to calm down and breathe. I steadied my breathing and tried to stop the anxious thoughts that clouded my mind. After just a few short seconds, I'd calmed my nerves and put all of my focus into my breathing. That's when I realized that the low humming in my ears was actually a voice — a very low voice coming from somewhere far away.
"With all due respect, sir, I don't give a damn! She's not going back to that house until a thorough investigation is done. I believe I'm well within my rights to request temporary removal from the home!" I heard. "Under Georgia Law, the court has the power to legally terminate parental rights when the parent's actions pose a serious threat to the child's mental, emotional, or physical safety. Am I right or wrong?"
