B. Knowles
Atlanta, GA
I couldn't stop staring at Anna.
All of my emotions were heightened as my family bombarded my baby girl with one million questions. I was staring at her, watching every face expression, every twitch in her muscles as her expressions leaped from one to the other, the way her mouth moved as she spoke. I wanted to keep this memory with me forever.
After showering, she'd changed into a pair of shorts that Solange had bought her, along with a crop top. It didn't take a rocket scientist to know that my baby was uncomfortable in the clothes. She had her arms wrapped around her exposed midsection, and her legs tucked underneath her. I made a mental note to get her some different clothes after dinner.
Anna was tucked in the seat between Kelly and Solange. They'd fought over who she would sit beside and ended up sticking a chair in between themselves. She was hesitant to let go of my hand when we came out to the dinner table, but I noticed how she relaxed a little when Solo wanted her to sit beside her. I didn't want to let her go either, but she wanted to sit with her auntie, so I let her. I just watched from the other end as everyone spoke to her. I couldn't get a word in, but even if I could, I wouldn't know what to say.
"What sports are you in?" Michelle smiled, looking Anna's way.
"I don't play any sports," she said, shaking her head.
Angie looked up. "Your tall behind don't play any sports? You would be a beast on somebody's team."
"Height doesn't equal talent, dumbass," Solange said.
"Solange Paiget Knowles," my mama warned.
For the first time that evening, Anna cracked a small smile. I found myself smiling at the sight. My heart was heavy, and I felt like I might cry, but I'd done enough crying. I just wanted to watch my child. I wanted to cherish this moment forever.
"Anyway, let me tell you about all of your mama's embarrassing moments growing up," Solange grinned, making me roll my eyes.
Anna's eyes flickered to me before she quickly looked away once she realized that I was already looking at her. I felt my heart skip a beat. I looked down at my plate.
"She used to have this little boyfriend named Lyndall that she would sneak out to see every ni–"
"Solange, stop," I said, looking up.
My tone was firm. I knew she meant well, and that she just wanted to connect with Anna by sharing stories of how I was a teen, but I felt sick to my stomach hearing my ex-boyfriend's name. He was the only person I'd ever been in a relationship with, and although we were young and dumb, he put his hands on me. I'd been through things far worse over the years, but still to this day, I couldn't shake the memory. It felt like that one moment opened up a world of pain for me. I wasn't sure how to handle it back then, so I ended up catapulting myself into situations that were ten times worse.
On top of that, I just didn't feel comfortable with Anna knowing those things. I was sure that she already had her own perception of me, and I didn't want Solange adding to that. Anna was older now. I knew that she'd probably put two and two together about her childhood experiences, no matter how hard I'd tried to shield my life from her. She knew.
"Girl, it's just a story," Solange said.
"I don't care. Stop," I told her.
She rolled her eyes, annoyance laced in her expression. I didn't want to get on her bad side, but I was uncomfortable. We'd been doing so good. My sister had suppressed her anger enough to comfort me in my time of need, but she was still angry, and I could see that. She went to speak again before stopping herself and shifting her body towards Anna in an attempt to no longer acknowledge my presence.
