Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want

16

Nina felt weightless. She was dreaming a very strange dream, perhaps. She had his scent all over her. She could feel his warm touch. He was around. It was cold and windy, she couldn't see. She was in a weird state of being half awake and half asleep. When she regained full consciousness, she was in her bed facing the TV, dressed in pajamas and holding a Homelander plushie. The Homelander plushie she wanted to buy at Voughtland. It took her a while to remember what had happened. She looked at the TV and saw Homelander talking happily about the Voughtland event. It was apparently still going, and he was giving his best PR smile. It didn't look at all like the guy that had attacked Nina that same day. She didn't know why, she didn't know if she wanted to understand. Sometimes she did disappear during work hours, but he never reacted like that. Her entire head was hurting, like it had been taken out and stitched back in place. Even blinking made her face hurt. She had never felt so much pain. She was bandaged, and she didn't remember how she got there.

"How are you?" Nina heard a female voice coming from the door. She moved her head carefully, without lifting her body and saw Ashley. She couldn't barely open her left eye.

"I'm fine." Her voice came out weak, because talking was uncomfortable as well.

"Good." Ashley turned around and left. Nina sighed. She was probably following orders, because she never cared about Nina at all.

Nina felt terrible for being in bed when she was supposed to be working. Her mom always complained about how she never missed classes, even with a headache or period pain. It was like she always wanted to be productive, even if the productivity was making her miserable. The pain made her tired, but also didn't let her sleep. Only a monster could've done that. She thought about what Starlight said, then Maeve, then the uneasiness of the room every time Homelander was in. It was her time to pay for something, to be his punching bag, perhaps? But as she was about to have her life drained from her, Nina was saved by someone. Divine intervention, she thought. She didn't remember much because the pain was messing with her senses, but that someone was the one who gave her a second chance. She just wished she could make sense of it all.

"Nina?"

She had lost herself in her thoughts and didn't realize that the broadcast from Voughtland had ended, and he was back at the Tower. She looked at him, and didn't say anything. Homelander came in, and stood by the bed.

"Are you okay?" He looked worried, like he pitied her situation.

Silence. She was frowning at him, not inviting, and not warm towards him at all. She was still holding that goddamn plushie, perhaps trying to believe he wouldn't be capable of doing what he did.

He crouched to enter her field of view. "Nina?"

He reached out to touch her face and she started to cry. She tried to get away from his touch and he noticed. He retreated his hand, looking hurt. He realized her confusion. "It wasn't me."

She started to sob. "I would never do that to you."

"But you did." She whispered.

He shook his head. "I... I saved you."

"I looked right at your face..." She spoke slowly and the pain could be felt in every word. "...while you were trying to kill me."

He sighed. "I wouldn't... I can't."

"You..."

"I told you my name. Remember that?" He said, almost whispering.

"You asked for my name and I never gave you an answer." He paused. "But then, I did."

Nina squinted. Even trying to revive the scene felt so painful. She remembered eyes full of anger, the hurtful words, the yelling and Homelander being ripped apart... by another Homelander. Then she remembered the genuine tenderness of his big blue eyes, the soft voice and the name.

"John." She whispered.

"I brought painkillers." He walked to her nightstand and left the pills there. "I told Ashley to check on you."

"Yeah, she did." Nina sighed. "I'm fine. I'll be back to work tomorrow."

"You have a broken nose and a black eye." He said. "Take it slow."

"I have a lot to do." She wanted to deny, but the pain was obvious. "The milk is..."

"Don't worry about that. I have plenty." He pursed his lips. "Ashley will handle everything while you're healing."

"It's not her role..."

"Her role is what I want it to be." He said firmly. "Please... just rest."

"If it wasn't you... who was it?"

His face twitched a bit. "Shapeshifter. Don't worry. You're safe now."

"But..."

"I'll see you soon." He smiled sadly. It was clear that what happened to Nina bothered him.

Nina sighed. "Thank you, boss."

He nodded and left.

Even with the wide range of emotions going through his face, he was still such a majestic creature. His smell always lingered all over the room after he was gone. He took time to see how Nina was doing and he brought her medicine. He probably was the one to bring the Homelander plushie to her. She was grateful, although she couldn't smile because of the pain. There was only so much he could do to help with her injury, but the fact he came made everything better. He saved her, he obliterated the thing that tried to kill her. But he had so much to do, and he had to keep up with his responsibilities. It probably wasn't personal. He was just saving the world, one person at a time. She was glad he arrived when he did, because if it wasn't him, no one would be there for her.

The painkillers did help with the pain, but not that much. She could hear her thoughts better, but eating was torture. She drank mostly water that day and tried not to move much. She showered very carefully, she walked very carefully, she put ice over her black eye and tried to relax. The Tower remained silent, no fuck parties from Homelander's part. It was funny to think about how she really wanted to sleep and couldn't because of the noise and now that she couldn't, he was silent. She had the silly idea to go to his room and talk. But maybe he was tired, or busy, or both. He needed the good night of sleep Nina wouldn't have.

She held the plushie thinking about how he told her his name with no hesitation, in such a loving way. Just to prove that it was him, it was him saving her, and that he cared. He wasn't only Homelander to her anymore.

He was also John.