Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want

37

"What's been troubling you, John?"

She always knew. It didn't matter if he tried to lie or dodge the conversation, she always knew. He was terrible at hiding his emotions, and people usually didn't ask. He thought about the interaction with the shapeshifter while going after Nina, and he decided it was best not to say anything. He decided not to mention Stormfront, but to ask for guidance on how to deal with the creature in an effective way. He knew that Stan Edgar probably had seen the footage of the incident, and the boss also knew that talking to the thing the way Homelander did wasn't that effective. It was that weird feeling that the person he cared most about at that moment could solve his problems. Even if she couldn't, smelling her hair made his problems feel so small. Kissing her and feeling her skin made him forget about everything. They joked about how the window of his room had been fixed, but for that period of time, the room didn't matter to him. It mattered that she was there, and he would cherish every single second of her presence.

Their naked embraces were always his most vulnerable moments. She knew something was up with him, but his actions spoke louder than his words. He wanted to be comforted, to feel some kind of affection. Sex with him was always fun and they would end up giggly and sweaty, but that time was different. It felt wonderful, but it also felt way more like a testament of how much they cared for each other. He craved for the forehead kiss at the end after the orgasm, something that he never asked for, but she always did. He put his head under her chin and pressed his nose gently against her neck. He didn't say anything, for a little bit. He closed his eyes and sighed. She kissed the top of his head and he held her tight. Her fingertips caressed his cheek and for a while, their beating hearts and their breathing were the only sounds that could be heard. She asked him the question, the question he didn't want to answer but that needed to be asked anyway. He had no way to escape it.

"I...", he sighed. It was very difficult. He didn't want to ruin everything, like he always did.

"What is it?", she whispered.

"I have no idea how to deal with... all of this," he replied.

"The shapeshifter thing?"

"Yeah, but not just that," he swallowed.

It was easier to talk to her without staring at her chocolate brown eyes. The lights were dimmed and he could see nothing but the faint shape of her neck. It was the most comforting void he had ever been in. He had been haunted by a past love and it wasn't so simple. Someone who had a warped vision of the world, and he accepted her anyway. It was someone who would probably have Nina killed if they ever crossed paths. He could never tell her that it happened. It would break her heart, for sure. But that shapeshifter knew. It terrified him. Vought was quick to restore his image to the public, even though some people still linked him to nazism in some way. Someone had fed that creature information. Homelander would deal with it later, but he was afraid that the information would come back and fuck his life up once more.

"Don't blame yourself, baby," she said, "don't blame yourself for one second."

He held her a bit tighter. It wasn't about the shapeshifter killing people. It was about how Stormfront died and he couldn't protect her. Perhaps that was the reason he was so worried about Nina all the time. Nina's thumb caressed Homelander's cheek as she talked to him and he felt relaxed for the first time that day.

"I'm lost, that's it. I don't know what to do," he sighed.

He smelled so good. He always took care of himself, even with life crumbling around him. But there was no acting that could hide the sadness and despair his blue eyes clearly showed. He did have the weight of the world over his shoulders and even for the strongest, most powerful person on Earth, the weight could be too much. Sometimes she just wanted to say for him to leave it all behind. It was clearly affecting him mentally. For better or worse, Vought was his home, and being the Supe he was, was his purpose. He was so much more than that, but he couldn't just run from it. He was probably the most recognizable face in America, more than the Pope, more than the President. He couldn't just run away, for sure. He could probably take a vacation, but John being John, he would probably fly from the Bahamas to New York as fast as possible just to see how things were going. Nina hoped that the shapeshifter problem would soon be solved, and when it did, then she could bring up the vacation to him.

"I know it's not that simple," she said, "but you should be hopeful."

He shook his head, and Nina could feel him moving. "How? How can anyone be hopeful in a situation like that?"

"You're strong, and you're smart. You'll probably figure something out."

"I hardly think so," he huffed.

"Don't be so pessimistic, honey," said Nina. "If you don't, then Vought will solve it."

"I feel so useless, so small, so... pathetic," he confessed. "I hate feeling like that."

"That's more an ego thing," Nina said. "You're making the problem bigger than it is."

"I should just kill it, like I killed the other ones," he sighed. "I should just keep killing them."

"Well, you can't just get rid of everything that's bothering you, can you?"

Yes, yes he could. He was the Homelander after all. The woman holding him had no idea that he would kill an entire nation for her if somehow they looked at her funny. He didn't do it, because it would probably disappoint her. No woman he was ever involved with loved him for who he was. They either feared him, hated him or were disgusted by him, sometimes all three. She was there holding him as the company was facing perhaps its biggest challenge, and she wasn't thinking about strategies or money or public image. She was just trying to make him feel better. His eyelids felt heavy. He didn't feel particularly tired, it wasn't that late at night, but... he felt protected. He felt protected by a human with no powers, someone who could never survive the atomic bombs launched at him during tests, the type of creature he always considered inferior and replaceable. His assistant.

She smelled like strawberry.