have you ever had so much to say
that you say nothing at all?
more than anything, i am afraid of seeming repetitive
yet that is all i seem to be.
i wish there was a way for me to grasp
this throbbing tumor that is you
growing and growing with every second
inside my brain
until it swallows it whole
i want to grasp it
pluck it like a ripe vegetable from Mother Earth's soil
and slash it into pieces
topping a salad with it.
i wish there was a way
for all of this horribleness
this evil that i fear i am
to feed me in some way
to benefit something like a ripe vegetable would
to a salad.
i am
a pulsating maggot, oozing with regret
this grief that i carry for something
i cannot undo, and yet i try
i try again
i try again
i try again
how do i show my grief?
nothing is fine, and yet i pretend that it is
because how else do you show grief?
feelings are a burden
so i lock them inside
and pretend that nothing happened.
these feelings
they swirl like wet lettuce inside an industrial salad spinner
airing out the most lethal parts of myself that i swore
i swore i would never let see the light of day
a slip in the kitchen can be fatal; one wrong move
and you have a knife
sticking out of your hand.
it feels like that now;
i am dizzy, laying on the kitchen floor
next to the salad.
never once have i hated
this "healthy" alternative to a meal
more than i do now.
i hate this salad.
i hate this salad that is myself, that is
my feelings
i hate this sadness that feeds me
until i am bursting;
vomiting bile onto the tile
like a freshly squished tick, gushing blood
i will eat my own sadness
and i will continue gorging myself with this guilt
until i am just like that maggot
dying, diseased, full to bursting.
perhaps then, everything will be okay.
perhaps then, i can adequately show this regret
perhaps then, what happened can be worked through
perhaps.
YOU ARE READING
the archives - a poetry portfolio
ПоэзияA light buzzing distracts you from whatever you're doing. There is an old, weathered monitor on a table next to you. You could have sworn that it had just *appeared* out of thin air. Out of curiosity, you stare at it for a moment. The screen flicke...
