The sin of loving you(Bokuaka ff)

Chapter 1: The weight of shame

Akaashi Keiji had always been careful, deliberate in every aspect of his life. He approached everything with a methodical precision that had earned him a reputation as the steady, unflappable setter of Fukurodani Academy's volleyball team. But lately, things had changed. He had changed.

It was late at night, the kind of night where silence blankets everything, making every sound feel too loud, every thought too sharp. Akaashi sat on his bed, his room bathed in the soft glow of his bedside lamp. His phone lay in his lap, and he stared at the last message on the screen, his heart pounding in his chest.

"𝙲𝚊𝚗 𝚠𝚎 𝚝𝚊𝚕𝚔? 𝙸'𝚖 𝚘𝚞𝚝𝚜𝚒𝚍𝚎."

Bokuto's words sent a jolt of anxiety through him. They had been sneaking around for months now, meeting in secret, sharing stolen kisses in dark corners, and whispering confessions they were both too afraid to say aloud in the light of day. It had all started as something harmless, something that felt too good to be wrong, but now, it was becoming too real.

Akaashi glanced at the clock, 2:13 AM. He knew his parents were asleep, and the house was quiet, save for the occasional creak of the wooden floorboards. He shouldn't go out there. He shouldn't keep letting this happen. But despite every rational part of him telling him to stop, his body moved on its own. He slipped out of bed, pulled on a hoodie, and crept downstairs as quietly as he could.

When he opened the front door, there Bokuto stood, his figure illuminated by the dim streetlight at the edge of the driveway. His usual confident grin was missing, replaced by a more serious expression that made Akaashi's heart sink.

Bokuto's golden eyes softened when they met Akaashi's. "Keiji," he said, voice low and thick with something unspoken. "I'm glad you came out."

Akaashi swallowed hard, nodding slightly as he stepped out onto the porch, closing the door quietly behind him. "What's going on, Bokuto-san?"

Bokuto hesitated, something rare for him, and Akaashi's anxiety spiked. Bokuto was never hesitant. He was always sure of himself, of everything. Seeing him like this, uncertain, made Akaashi's stomach feel uneasy .

"I've been thinking," Bokuto started, shoving his hands into his pockets. "About us."

Akaashi's breath caught. He knew where this was going, and he wasn't ready for it. "Bokuto-san, maybe we shouldn't-"

"Let me finish, please," Bokuto interrupted, his voice firm but gentle. Akaashi bit his lip, nodding silently.

Bokuto took a step closer, closing the gap between them until they were standing just inches apart. "I like you, Keiji. I really like you. And I don't want to keep sneaking around like this, hiding what we have. I want us to be together, for real. I want to be your boyfriend."

Akaashi's heart skipped a beat, and for a moment, he allowed himself to imagine it, the two of them, together openly, not hiding, not pretending. But as quickly as the thought came, it was crushed by a wave of fear and embarrassment.

He stepped back, shaking his head. "No. No, we can't."

Bokuto's face fell, the light in his eyes dimming. "Why not?"

"Because... because it's not right," Akaashi stammered, trying to find the words that would make Bokuto understand without tearing himself apart in the process. "We're both boys, Bokuto-san. People would... they wouldn't understand. They'd judge us. My parents... they'd be disappointed. I can't... I can't do that to them. Or to myself."

Bokuto's expression hardened, hurt flashing in his eyes. "So, what? You're ashamed of us? Of me?"

Akaashi winced, his heart twisting painfully in his chest. "No, it's not like that. I just... I'm scared, okay? This isn't something I'm ready for."

"But I am," Bokuto countered, his voice rising slightly, the hurt now clear in his tone. "I'm ready, and I want to be with you. I don't care what other people think. Why can't you just... just be honest with yourself? With me?"

"I am being honest!" Akaashi snapped, the words spilling out before he could stop them. "I'm not ready to be what you want me to be, Bokuto-san. I can't just... pretend that everything's okay when it's not. Loving you... it feels like a sin."

Bokuto flinched as if he'd been struck. He took a step back, his hands falling from his pockets, clenched at his sides. "A sin?" he echoed, his voice low and pained.

Akaashi's throat tightened, his heart breaking at the look on Bokuto's face, but he couldn't take it back. "It's wrong, Bokuto-san. We're wrong. I can't help how I feel, but that doesn't make it right. I've been raised my whole life to believe that this... that loving you... isn't something I should want."

Bokuto's jaw tightened, and for the first time, Akaashi saw a flicker of anger behind the hurt. "I just want you to be yourself, Keiji. But maybe... maybe that's not enough for you."

Akaashi opened his mouth to argue, but the words caught in his throat. What could he say? Bokuto was right. He was asking too much, expecting Bokuto to understand something he could barely understand himself.

After a long, tense silence, Bokuto took another step back, his gaze dropping to the ground. "I guess I was wrong," he muttered, his voice barely above a whisper. "Maybe we're not ready for this after all."

Akaashi wanted to reach out, to take back what he'd said, to pull Bokuto close and promise that they'd figure it out. But his feet stayed rooted to the ground, his hands balled into fists at his sides.

"Maybe not," he whispered, his voice cracking.

Bokuto nodded stiffly, and without another word, he turned and walked away, his figure disappearing into the darkness. Akaashi stood there, alone on the porch, his heart aching with the weight of what had just happened.

He had pushed Bokuto away, let his fear and embarrassment win. And now, he didn't know if he could ever get him back.