The sin of loving you(Bokuaka ff)

Chapter 4: Bound by tradition

The morning after Akaashi's breakdown was as gray and heavy as the emotions weighing on him. The night had offered little respite, sleep coming in short, fragmented bursts, plagued by dreams of Bokuto and the confrontation that had left him so hollow. Every attempt to push away the previous day's turmoil was met with a deeper sense of dread. He felt utterly disconnected from himself, as if he were a mere spectator in his own life.

When he arrived at school, the usual hum of student chatter seemed distant and foreign. He walked through the hallways with his head down, avoiding eye contact with anyone. His usual routine felt foreign, every movement automatic, as though he were going through the motions of his life without truly living it.

During lunch, Akaashi found a quiet corner of the cafeteria, away from the bustling noise of his classmates. He stared at his untouched food, the pit in his stomach growing heavier with each passing minute. The conversation from practice replayed in his mind—Bokuto's voice filled with frustration and hurt. He could almost feel Bokuto's gaze, seeking answers that Akaashi was too afraid to give.

Konoha, who had noticed Akaashi's avoidance, approached cautiously. "Hey, Akaashi. Mind if I join you?" he asked, his tone gentle.

Akaashi looked up, forcing a small, tired smile. "Sure."

Konoha sat down across from him, studying Akaashi with a mixture of concern and curiosity. "You've been off lately. Anything you want to talk about?"

Akaashi hesitated, his heart pounding at the thought of opening up. The burden of his emotions was heavy, but the weight of his past made it even harder to share. He shook his head, though, struggling to find the right words. "I... I'm not sure how to explain it."

Konoha didn't push, but his presence was a small comfort. They ate in silence for a while, the awkwardness between them giving Akaashi a moment to gather his thoughts. As he stared at his food, memories from his past began to resurface, intertwining with his current fears.

Growing up, Akaashi had been raised in a strict religious environment. His family, devout and deeply ingrained in their beliefs, had always taught him that liking someone of the same gender was wrong. At church, he had seen countless examples of people being shunned or disowned for their sexuality. The sermons often spoke of it as a sin, a moral failing that needed to be corrected. The messages were clear and relentless: such feelings were unnatural, and those who experienced them were deserving of scorn and rejection.

He remembered the first time he saw someone being ostracized. It was a young man from his church, who had been open about his feelings and had faced immense backlash. The judgment and harsh words from the congregation were searing, leaving Akaashi with a profound sense of fear and confusion. He had watched as the young man was driven away, his once supportive community now turned hostile. The sight of his family's disapproval, the whispered conversations about him being "lost" and "misguided," made Akaashi's heart sink.

At home, the message was no different. His parents had always been loving, but their love was accompanied by a rigid set of expectations. They had never explicitly condemned him, but the undercurrent of their beliefs was unmistakable. The subtle comments, the disapproving looks at anyone who deviated from their norms, created an environment where Akaashi learned to suppress his true feelings. He was expected to conform, to fit into the mold they had set for him, even if it meant denying a part of who he was.

As Akaashi's past memories mingled with his current situation, he felt an overwhelming wave of shame and guilt. The fear of being judged, rejected, or worse, was a constant presence in his life. It was no wonder he had built walls around himself, finding it nearly impossible to face Bokuto with his true feelings.

When the lunch period ended, Akaashi left Konoha with a brief thank-you and headed for the library, seeking solace in the quiet and solitude. Books had always been a refuge for him, but today, even their comforting familiarity felt distant. He flipped through the pages of a textbook without absorbing any of the content, his mind clouded by the storm of his thoughts.

As the school day drew to a close, Akaashi felt the familiar pang of anxiety return. The prospect of facing Bokuto again was almost unbearable. The thought of seeing him, knowing how hurt he must be, filled Akaashi with a sense of impending doom. He was torn between the urge to avoid him completely and the need to make things right.

Practice approached, and Akaashi felt a deep-seated dread as he made his way to the gym. He kept his head down, avoiding Bokuto's gaze whenever he could. The atmosphere was tense, the air charged with the weight of unspoken words.

The team went through their drills, but the connection between Akaashi and Bokuto remained strained. Akaashi's sets were off again, and Bokuto's spikes were hesitant. It was clear to everyone that the chemistry that had once been their strength was faltering.

During a brief break, Akaashi lingered by the sidelines, his heart pounding as he watched Bokuto. The ache of seeing his friend and teammate struggling was almost too much to bear. Akaashi wanted to reach out, to offer some form of reassurance, but the fear that gripped him held him back.

When the break ended, Akaashi forced himself to rejoin the drills, but he did so with a deliberate distance. Every time he passed near Bokuto, he made sure to avoid direct contact, his movements precise but emotionally distant. He could feel Bokuto's eyes on him, but he refused to meet his gaze, the weight of their unspoken conflict too heavy to confront.

After practice, Akaashi hurried to the locker room, avoiding Bokuto once again. The familiar sounds of his teammates changing and chatting filled the room, but Akaashi's mind was elsewhere. He could barely focus on the routine of showering and changing, the stress of the situation consuming him.

As he prepared to leave, Akaashi caught a glimpse of Bokuto standing by his locker, looking lost and forlorn. The sight of him only deepened Akaashi's guilt, but he refused to approach. Instead, he muttered a quick goodbye to his teammates and slipped out of the locker room, not daring to look back.

Outside, the cold air hit him sharply, but Akaashi barely noticed. He walked home in a daze, his thoughts a tangled mess of fear and regret. Every step felt heavy, burdened by the unspoken words and unresolved feelings between him and Bokuto.

When he finally reached his house, Akaashi barely acknowledged the familiar surroundings. He felt as if he were drifting through a fog of his own making, the weight of his actions pressing down on him. The day's avoidance had provided a temporary escape, but it had done nothing to ease the turmoil within him.

As he lay in bed that night, Akaashi stared at the ceiling, unable to escape the echoes of Bokuto's hurt. The unresolved tension between them felt like a chasm that he couldn't bridge, and the fear of facing it seemed insurmountable. He knew that avoiding Bokuto was only making things worse, but he didn't know how to confront his fears or repair the damage he had done.

In the darkness of his room, Akaashi's mind raced with a thousand thoughts and regrets. The ghosts of his past, the lessons ingrained in him from years of religious teachings and familial expectations, loomed over him, making it almost impossible to imagine a future where he could embrace his true feelings. The weight of his upbringing was heavy, and as he closed his eyes, he wondered if he could ever find a way to reconcile his past with the present, and if he could ever bridge the gap he had created with Bokuto.