The sin of loving you(Bokuaka ff)

Chapter 3: A flood of emotions

Akaashi knew he couldn't keep running from this. The tension between him and Bokuto was growing unbearable, casting a shadow over every interaction they had, both on and off the court. Bokuto's once bright and uncontainable energy had dimmed, leaving a hollow version of the person Akaashi had grown so close to. And it was all his fault.

He dreaded practice that day. He couldn't remember the last time he had been so reluctant to play volleyball, the sport that had always brought him comfort and focus. But today, the court felt like a battlefield, every drill a reminder of the emotional distance he had created between himself and Bokuto.

When he arrived at the gym, the atmosphere was tense. The other players were quieter than usual, their usual chatter muted. Akaashi noticed how they avoided looking directly at him and Bokuto, as if sensing the storm that was brewing between them.

Bokuto was already there, warming up with a determined look on his face, but the light in his eyes was gone. Akaashi's heart sank as he watched him. He had never seen Bokuto so subdued, so unlike himself. The guilt that had been gnawing at him intensified, a sharp, twisting pain in his chest.

Akaashi joined the warm-ups, keeping his distance from Bokuto, unsure of how to bridge the gap between them. Every now and then, he caught Bokuto glancing his way, but neither of them spoke. The silence between them was suffocating, filled with all the words they hadn't said.

As practice went on, the tension only grew. Akaashi's sets were off, his usually precise movements plagued by hesitation. Bokuto was missing spikes he would normally land with ease, his frustration evident in the way he clenched his fists and muttered to himself under his breath.

Their teammates exchanged worried glances, the unease in the gym palpable. Everyone could tell something was wrong, but no one knew how to address it. The once cohesive team was starting to fracture under the weight of the unspoken conflict.

Finally, as the practice session was drawing to a close, Bokuto snapped.

"Damn it!" Bokuto shouted, slamming his fist into the mat after missing another spike. The gym fell silent, everyone freezing at the rare display of anger from their usually upbeat ace.

Akaashi's heart pounded in his chest. He had never seen Bokuto like this—so frustrated, so on edge. He knew it was because of him, because of the way he had been pushing Bokuto away, hiding his feelings behind a wall of fear and shame.

Before Akaashi could say anything, Bokuto turned on him, his eyes blazing with a mix of hurt and anger. "What the hell is going on, Akaashi?!" Bokuto's voice echoed through the gym, the intensity of his emotions spilling over. "You've been off all week, and now you're acting like you don't even want to be here! What's wrong?"

Akaashi felt the eyes of the entire team on him, but all he could focus on was Bokuto. The raw emotion in his voice cut through Akaashi like a knife, and for a moment, he couldn't find the words to respond.

"I—" Akaashi started, but his voice caught in his throat. He wanted to tell Bokuto everything, to explain why he had been acting the way he had, but the fear held him back. How could he admit that he was terrified of what he was feeling, of what it meant to be falling for another boy?

Bokuto's expression softened, the anger giving way to something more vulnerable. "Akaashi, please... I need to know what's going on. I'm here for you, but I can't help if you don't talk to me."

The desperation in Bokuto's voice was too much. Akaashi could see how much this was hurting him, and it broke something inside him. He couldn't keep doing this to Bokuto, to himself. But the words just wouldn't come.

"I'm sorry," Akaashi finally whispered, his voice trembling. "I'm sorry, Bokuto."

The gym was silent, the tension so thick it was hard to breathe. Bokuto's eyes searched Akaashi's face, looking for answers that Akaashi wasn't ready to give.

"Is that it?" Bokuto asked, his voice barely above a whisper. "Just 'I'm sorry'? I thought... I thought we were closer than that, Akaashi."

Akaashi flinched at the hurt in Bokuto's voice, but he didn't know what to say. The fear and shame that had been building inside him for so long were like a wall, blocking him from the words he desperately wanted to say.

The rest of the team was still watching, their concern obvious, but Akaashi felt like he and Bokuto were the only two people in the room. The weight of their unresolved feelings pressed down on him, suffocating in its intensity.

Finally, the coach stepped in, sensing that the situation was spiraling out of control. "Alright, that's enough for today. Everyone, hit the showers."

The team hesitated, clearly reluctant to leave Akaashi and Bokuto in the middle of such a charged moment, but they followed the coach's orders. As the gym cleared out, Bokuto lingered for a moment longer, his eyes locked on Akaashi's, before he turned and walked away without another word.

Akaashi stood there, feeling like he had just lost something precious, something he might never be able to get back. The storm between them had broken, but it had only left him more lost than before.

He didn't want to go to the locker room, didn't want to face Bokuto or anyone else. But the cold sweat on his skin made it impossible to ignore, and he forced his feet to move, each step heavier than the last. He took the longest route he could, giving himself time to collect his thoughts, but by the time he reached the locker room, it was mostly empty. Bokuto's things were already gone, and Akaashi felt a pang of both relief and guilt.

Stripping off his practice clothes, Akaashi stepped into the shower, letting the hot water pour over him. He tried to relax, to let the heat wash away the tension in his muscles, but it wasn't working. The water wasn't enough—it didn't feel like it could ever be enough.

He picked up his washcloth, scrubbing at his skin with a force that bordered on painful. Bokuto's touch lingered on him, every accidental brush of their hands, every playful shove, every time Bokuto had pulled him into a hug or thrown an arm around his shoulders. It was like Bokuto had left an indelible mark on him, and Akaashi was desperate to erase it.

"It's wrong," Akaashi muttered under his breath, his voice echoing faintly in the empty shower room. "It's so wrong. I shouldn't feel this way. I shouldn't..."

He scrubbed harder, his skin turning red under the rough friction. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't rid himself of the sensation, the memory of Bokuto's warmth against him.

"It's a sin," Akaashi whispered, his voice cracking as the words fell from his lips. The shame and fear he had been bottling up came pouring out, overwhelming him. "It's wrong. I shouldn't... I can't..."

Tears mingled with the water streaming down his face, and he scrubbed harder, as if he could somehow erase the feelings that were tearing him apart. "Why did it have to be him? Why did it have to be this?"

The questions tumbled out, each one more desperate than the last. "Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just... I shouldn't want this. I shouldn't want him."

The weight of his feelings crashed down on him all at once, and Akaashi collapsed against the shower wall, his legs giving out as he sank to the floor. He buried his face in his hands, sobs wracking his body as he cried, the sound of his breakdown drowned out by the roar of the water.

For the first time in a long time, Akaashi let himself be completely vulnerable, let himself feel every ounce of the pain and confusion he had been trying to suppress. And it was unbearable.

He didn't know how long he stayed like that, curled up on the shower floor, his body shaking with the force of his sobs. But when the tears finally slowed, all he felt was emptiness. The overwhelming fear, the shame, the guilt—they had hollowed him out, leaving nothing but a cold, aching void.

Akaashi slowly pulled himself up, his movements mechanical as he turned off the shower and reached for a towel. He dried off, barely aware of what he was doing, his mind numb.

When he finally left the locker room, the night air felt cold against his still-damp skin, but he barely noticed. He walked home in a daze, his thoughts a tangled mess of fear and confusion. The only thing he knew for sure was that he couldn't keep going on like this. Something had to give, but he didn't know if he was strong enough to face it.

As he reached his house, Akaashi hesitated at the door, the darkness pressing in around him. He wasn't ready to face what he had been avoiding, but he knew he couldn't keep running forever. He just didn't know how to stop.