The Darkness Inside Me

12 - Joaquin

When Juice lay in bed that night, fragments of their "date" kept haunting his mind. He looked back on it with a smile and a warmth that blossomed in his chest. Esrin was... like an angel. An angel he wished had come into his life much earlier. The calm way she handled his panic attacks and that warm look in her eyes... Only now did he realize that he had longed for someone like her for a very long time. A stable presence in his life. Someone with whom he could share his doubts, his fears. Throughout his time with the Sons of Anarchy, there hadn't been anyone like that. Chibs, perhaps... But that was different. He was part of the club that ultimately became his downfall. The thought of Chibs and his former brothers made the warmth fade again. With a sigh, he turned onto his side and stared at the dark wall next to him.

Why was it that one negative thought could always overpower something positive, and he had to pile up a mountain of positive thoughts before the negative ones disappeared?

And they never truly disappeared.

He turned over again and reached for his phone.

"I enjoyed tonight. 😊"

She had sent that to him an hour ago. He read the line several times until the warmth returned a bit.

His life in Charming was over. He would never go back, and would never have to see anyone connected to the club again. A new phase of his life was starting now, and he needed to leave everything else behind.

Juice had died in prison.

He had been given a new chance. A new passport with the name Joaquin on it.

From now on, he would be Joaquin. Joaquin Cortèz.

Joaquin stepped out of the shower and got dressed. He felt... good today. Fresh, with new clothes and a new name. He sent Esrin a message asking if she'd like to go out for lunch today. The thought of it made his heart beat faster immediately.

In the living room, soft jazz music was playing, though his brother was nowhere to be seen. Shades rarely was home. Joaquin wondered if the man was avoiding him. If he regretted getting Juice out of prison. He could understand it: instead of a twin brother, he had gotten a heap of misery. But that was going to change now.

His phone pinged. Esrin said she was up for lunch and suggested a walk in the park. The smile that conquered his face felt strange, unnatural. Like a dead man who had come back to life.

Another good sign.

Joaquin was still in high spirits when Flushing Meadows-Corona Park came into view. They had agreed to meet at the entrance by the Unisphere, at the intersection of Meridian Road and Avenue of the Americas. There were several food trucks where they could grab something to eat. Esrin wasn't there yet, so Joaquin sat down on a bench, enjoying the sun on his face.

He even dozed off a bit, so he was startled when he heard Esrin's voice. He quickly stood up and somewhat embarrassed, he ran a hand through his hair. It was pretty bizarre. A few weeks ago, he hadn't even dared to walk the streets and saw hitmen everywhere. Now he was dozing in the sun.

He greeted Esrin with a hug, and before he realized it, he also kissed her on the cheek. Apparently, he hadn't entirely lost his old charm. He grinned awkwardly at her and took her hand.

Surprise flashed in her eyes. The smile that followed awoke a swarm of butterflies inside him. He felt like a lovestruck teenager. But so what? Teenage Juan hadn't had it easy, but he wasn't nearly as deep in the pit as Adult Juice had been.

"You look... much more cheerful than I've seen you so far."

"That's because of you," he said with a meaningful grin. But he didn't leave it at that; Esrin didn't seem like the type who fell for easy lines. He held her hand a little tighter as they walked into the park, toward the giant globe surrounded by fountains. "I really enjoyed yesterday. It felt like I was truly... alive again after years. And I've been through a lot of shit, and if I want to move on with my life, if I want to make something of it, then I need to let go of the past. Let go of my old identity. So... I want to leave Juice behind. The hacker. The Son. The ex-con." The cum dump for the most disgusting men you can think of. His shoulders stiffened at the thought that followed, but thank God it didn't reach his lips. "So I've decided that from now on, I want to go through life as Joaquin. The name on my new passport."

"Joaquin." Esrin seemed to savor the name. His gaze automatically drifted to her lips. As soon as he realized it, he quickly looked ahead again. In the past, he might have wanted to kiss her on a day like this. But now... now he wanted to take it slow and not rush anything. Holding her hand felt safe, something he didn't associate with what had happened in prison, but everything else... He wanted to bury Juice deep in the ground, but he wasn't so naive to think he could just leave that part of himself—that huge part of himself—behind.

He didn't even know who he was now, except a thirty-two-year-old man working in a garage who was developing feelings for this young woman, who he also didn't know very well.

But there was plenty of time to figure that out.

"A beautiful name," Esrin decided. She smiled at him. "And a brave step."

She squeezed his hand.

Inside him, something blossomed; something that dared to take on more color, that dared to reveal itself more and more.

But no matter how brave Joaquin's resolve was—barely two weeks later, the doorbell rang. And although Joaquin wanted to let go of the past, it was clear that the past wasn't ready to let go of him.