Juice felt a lot better now that his life had regained some routine. He worked six days a week in a garage, where his tasks felt so familiar that he didn't feel insecure about them. A few days ago, he had worked up the courage to go to Victory to see Esrin. She had smiled at him as soon as he walked in, and a somewhat relaxed conversation had followed.
It wasn't much, yet it made him feel a bit more... human. She was like a cozy fireplace in a cold, abandoned room.
Today, he wanted to see her again. Maybe they could grab a bite together. She seemed like the type who wouldn't immediately interpret that as a date, because he wasn't ready for something like that. But what he did long for was a friend. Company. Someone who could put a smile on his face.
As he approached the building, nerves began to set in. Taking the initiative to do anything still felt like something from a previous life. He had been in survival mode for so long...
He walked through the open door and across the dark carpet to the meeting hall, where various tables were set up with children and elderly eagerly eating around them.
Esrin stood behind a long table, serving food onto plates. She gave everyone the same warm smile—and even from a distance, that smile touched him.
She seemed to sense that he was looking at her, for she turned her head, and her smile grew a bit wider. Her lips formed his name. Juice.
His lips also crept into a shaky smile, which grew more stable with each step he took toward her.
"Hey," she said as he came to the side of the table. "Are you hungry?"
"I am." It took him some effort to gather his courage. "I was hoping you'd like to grab something to eat together. When you... are done here, of course."
"Oh!" A blush crept over her cheeks, making something flutter in his stomach. He hadn't meant for it to be a date, but maybe he didn't mind if she saw it that way. Even if he wasn't ready for it. He couldn't deny that she stirred something inside him that he had forgotten was a part of him. That the person he used to be wasn't completely gone. "Yes, that sounds nice!"
He smiled and noticed her gaze flicker to his lips. Women used to say that his smile could light up a whole room. He wondered if that smile now broke through the shadows that had chained him—and if Esrin could see that.
"Can I, uh, help with anything?" he asked before the silence became awkward. "Is there any cleaning I can do or something?" She looked at him in surprise. He shrugged and managed a crooked smile. "The sooner we clean up here, the sooner I get to have you all to myself." The words rolled out so naturally—it even startled him. That wasn't... he didn't want...
But she burst out laughing, and her dark eyes sparkled. "From those words, I might conclude that you're a cannibal."
In the past, he might have said he had no problem putting certain body parts in his mouth, but the crudeness of it made him think of Tully, and a shiver ran down his spine. His stomach clenched, and for a moment, he thought he felt the filthy, hot breath of that creep on his neck again. The ground seemed to fall away beneath his feet, and he gripped the edge of the table.
He squeezed his eyes shut as he fought against the burning sensation in his chest. Why couldn't he breathe? Why—
Breathe. In. Hold. Out.
In. Hold. Out.
"That's it, Juice. Breathe in. Hold it. Exhale."
The dizziness subsided. Embarrassed, he looked up.
Esrin had turned to him, and it took a moment for him to realize that she had helped him get his breathing under control.
"How... how did you know what to do?"
She smiled sadly. "I'm not unfamiliar with panic attacks myself."
Oh. That was a huge relief. With every new person he met, he was always afraid of their judgment once they discovered that he wasn't always as mentally stable as he wanted to be.
"Thank you," he said softly.
"No problem. Get a glass of water in the kitchen and see if there's already enough to start the dishwasher."
Juice nodded, glad that she offered him a way out.
The kitchen was a mess, immediately making him uneasy—and he started tidying up. With each item he put away, he felt a bit of calm returning. His life right now was like the mess in this kitchen. Bit by bit, he would have to throw things away and give things a place.
And even though he could hardly call Esrin a friend yet, something convinced him that she could stand by his side so he wouldn't drown in all the mess.
YOU ARE READING
The Darkness Inside Me
حركة (أكشن)Juice's life is turned upside down when he is transferred from Stockton Prison to Sea Gate Prison. After being released unexpectedly, he is awaited by a man who claims to be his twin. Juice is torn apart by his longing for love and safety while the...
