Love isn't always easy

Chapter 19 - My life

This was how my normal life was like. Nothing special but at least I had a few people who really cared about me, friends and no serious problems.

It was Friday and after school we were meeting at Will's place. Our group didn't hang out every day but at the weekends or on Fridays.

This time it was just the 4 of us: Will, Alex, Liam and I because Zac and Monica had already had plans. Now, that they were back together, they spent almost all the time together. Even though I didn't get as much time to be with M as usually I understood it and I was happy for her, both of them. It was that time for me when I felt like I didn't want a boyfriend... Well because I only wanted Louis.

Let me tell you something. You probably figured out I change my mind a lot. Well, my moods always change quickly too. From one moment when I'm sad about something another thing happens and I forget about what happened and I'm happy again. But this thing with Louis was more serious so, I was just giving myself time to move on.

Ok, back to the story. At first it was just the usual, but then Alex and Liam shifted away into their own world because when they were together they only had eyes for each other. They just couldn't help themselves.

When Will and I went to the kitchen to grab some snacks he suddenly said to me:

"Ashley, I'm not good at words." I couldn't figure out what he meant with that so I just smiled:

"Me neither. " I was hoping he was joking too but I saw it wasn't a joke to him.

"So... I have to..." He seemed a little nervous. "I have to tell you... This is how I feel. " He stepped closer and leaned towards me. I realized what was happening. How couldn't I had seen it before? He spent so much time with us. He wanted to be with me... Well, I had no time to think. He closed his eyes and suddenly I did to. I didn't know what to do nor what was I feeling. I took a deep breath and opened my eyes again. I didn't feel a warm-fuzzy feeling like with Louis. That thought brought me back to reality. Will was so close to me and it felt like our lips were already kissing. I stepped away in the last moment: "Will, um, what are you doing?"

"W-what? I-I thought you wanted this too, I thought..." He looked confused at first but then disappointed. No, it wasn't just that he was sad.

"Will..." I started to apologize but he stopped me:

"Don't... Look, I'm sorry I shouldn't have..."

"No, it's okay. I mean, I'm the one that's sorry. Have I given you mixed signals? "

"I don't know... No. I'm just so stupid, I'm sorry I have to go." He turned around but I grabbed his hand to stop him. I quickly released it as I figured out. Could that have bene one of the "mixed signs"?

"Wait." I said. "This is your house I'm the one that's leaving."

"Oh, yeah right. I'm so stupid."

"No, you're not." He was thinking that everything was his fault when actually nothing was.

"Ok, before you go...Umm... Can I just ask you a question?"

"Sure, I guess."

"Why don't you want to be with me?" He really cared about me and he couldn't let me go... I remembered our conversation we had about Zac and Monica...He couldn't let me go.

"I don't know but it's not your fault so don't blame yourself."

"Then, please just tell me what s it. At first I thought it was about Louis..." I realized it was the first time he called him Louis not "that guy Lewis". He was acting more mature for sure.

"Ok, you deserve to know the truth..." I didn't know how to explain to him because I knew he was hurting.

"When you broke up with me, was it because of Louis?"

"Will..."

"No. Please don't. Just answer me. It's simple. Yes or no." God, how I wished it would really be simple but it wasn't.

I sighed: "Yes. " He wanted to know everything and I saw he was suffering I felt so bad for him but he didn't want me to.

"Did you love him?"

"Yes, I did."

"Do you like, still do? " That was the hardest question for him to ask me but he had the courage.

"... yeah ..." That was hard for me to say too. The whole conversation was. "But we broke up. "

"You have to move on, why not with me?" At least he didn't ask me if I love or loved him because I would have to say no.

"Because it's not fair to you. A relationship has to be between two people who love each other equally."

"Ok, thanks for telling me the truth. " After the things I told him he wasn't mad he was just hurt. He continued: "We became good friends and I hope we can stay that way but before, I just need some time, I hope you understand." I never expected words like that to come out of Will Davis.

"Yes, definitely. I would like that. And um let me tell you that I understand you. I'm not just saying this and even though I know this won't make you feel any better I really do know how you feel."

"Thanks, helps to know I'm not the only one." Without saying anything else we went to the living room where Alex and Liam were.

I didn't know exactly what to say and I didn't want to make up excuses so I just said: "Alex, let's go. "

"Already? Why we just got here?" I hated those moments when she didn't get what was going on. "Sorry, but we have to go." She got that surprised look and covered her mouth with her hand:

"Oh!" She probably figured out because of Will's sad face or me giving her the look.

Then, Liam broke the silence: "I guess I should be leaving too."

We said goodbye and left. Alex desperately wanted to know what happen but for once I said no to her. I just wasn't in the mood to talk about it to her, to talk about it at all.

Will lived a couple of streets away so when Alex finally gave up on me and left with Liam I practically ran home. Isn't it ironic how he lived so close but Louis so far away?

I lay down on my bed and suddenly I wasn't in my room anymore, I was outside, somewhere unknown to me, in the middle of nowhere.

I wandered around. I was walking and suddenly I was walking on grass. I was wearing a pale white long dress I remember it blurry but the dress didn't matter. There were flowers, bushes and trees around me but I wasn't in a forest just somewhere outside where it was beautiful. I had no idea what I was doing but stopped thinking and let my emotions take me over as walked around and then suddenly started singing:

We stumbled through the long goodbye,
One last kiss, then catch your flight,
Right when I was just about to fall.

I told myself don't get attached,
But in my mind I play it back,
Spinning faster than the plane that took you...

This is when the feeling sinks in,
I don't wanna miss you like this,
Come back... be here, come back... be here.
I guess you're in Paris today,
I don't wanna need you this way,
Come back... be here, come back... be here...

This was the first time I felt like I could sing beautifully. The song made me cry a little, just a little, few tears. But then it made me feel happy. The melody was beautiful and the lyrics described my feelings perfectly.

I opened my eyes confused. I woke up and realized I fell asleep and was dreaming. I wasn't sad or burst into tears I just simply thought to myself: "What a beautiful song..." Taylor Swift wrote that song. I never really listened to her and I heard this song maybe once or twice a long time ago.

But her song now that I remembered it made me realize that I shouldn't be pretending I was perfectly ok or over Louis because I still wasn't. I had to except that my life was where I was, without him.

To make me feel better I knew I had to tell him how I felt. I stared at his picture and I wasn't going to do it in that moment because I didn't want to rush things or make another mistake. I decided that I will do it when I was ready and I was happy with my decision.