Helpless (Solangelo fic)

The cut that always bleeds

The daughter of Pluto shook, unable to calm herself as she cried on the floor of her cabin. He'd been close last time, she was a wreck, now? She could barely think straight, barely talk, what the hell had happened to him? She broke down in sobs, her breath was short and uneven, she wanted to scream but she couldn't make a sound outside of the broken sobs the filled the empty cabin. If he died she would join him, she made that promise to herself, no matter how much she hated it she couldn't face the idea of not having Nico, or him being alone there. She didn't want to die but she didn't want to live without her brother. The door of the cabins cracked open and Frank slipped inside, holding a bar of dark chocolate and a mug filled with lavender tea and sat down next to her, pulling her into his arms.
"Shhh, everything's going to be okay, he's going to be fine." Hazel answered in a broken voice, hardly a whisperer.
"W-what if he is-isn't this time? I-I'm scared, I can't do this anymore." Tears ran down her face as she cried into her boyfriend's arms, he held her as tight as he could, kissing her on the forehead.
"We're going to start the trip to Camp Half-Bood in an hour or so, it's going to take two days but you'll see him soon okay?"
"What if we're too late? What if he dies?"
"There's nothing else we can do, having some faith in Will Solace is probably the best option."
"What if he's not enough? I couldn't live without him Frank."
"Love don't think about that, Nico's strong, he'll get through this." Frank needed to be honest with himself, at the start he hadn't particularly liked the son of Hades, he always scared him with his silence and perfect threats. He had put that aside for Hazel, no matter how much he scared him he would be there for her and now all the time on the Argo II even though the two hadn't talked much he'd had felt sympathy for the him. His life had been a wreck, a mess of gods, all fighting to make his life hell; he understood why he didn't like to get close to people, the more you have the more you have to lose and with a life like his there's always a lot to lose.
"He didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve to go through this much."
"He didn't, no one does, but life isn't fair and someone always has to go through hell because of that." A few seconds of near silence passed, the only sound being Hazel's unsteady breath.
"Wait... Frank.." Tears formed in her eyes as she started to speak, hating herself for considering it and hating how likely it was even more. "W-what if it was sui-suicide?" Tears flooded down her face even though she was sure there were no tears left to cry.
"Love, don't think about that, you don't know what happened and the more you think about it the worse it'll be for you. We can't change what happened and you don't know what it is, the more you worry the harder it gets."
"It's the only thing I can think of, especially with no school work to distract me since I got suspended. I'm really worried about him."
"I know love, but there's nothing we can do now." Hazel bit him as softly as she could above the collarbone as she clung onto him, praying her brother would be okay.
---
His neck snapped, he hadn't said a single word that day, he wasn't worried, or scared, or even surprised. He walked up with no struggle, stood there with perfect stillness like he knew it was coming. The night before he'd hugged him, told him everything would be okay, he lied. He looked away as he was hung, tears ready to run down his face but he couldn't, he'd been seen as weak, he couldn't let any emotion show. Elliot had never done anything wrong, he couldn't, everyone loved him, he was the only person that treated others like they were people. His breath was short, he wanted to scream but he couldn't do that, that would be admitting a weakness. No one around him seemed cared, they all watched, all emotionless. The sharp words of the preator rang throughout,
"This is what happens when you step out of line. Let this be a warning, any others willing to step out of line will have the same punishment." No one spoke out though fear filled the space around them, that's all it would take to be killed. The message was clear, don't be different, don't stick out, don't show emotion or else you will be punished. Jason Grace shot awake, tears started to run down his face. He was nine when he watched him die, he was one of the only people who cared about him then and he was hung at the age of fourteen. His breaths were shallow and short, he needed to calm down, he couldn't be like this, he was a wreck. He couldn't tell them. He couldn't tell anyone. He needed to be okay. He took out the letter locked in his drawer, he'd memoriesd it by now. It was the only thing he had to remember Elliot by, it told him why everything that happened... happened. He was gay, the person he thought was his boyfriend was actually doing it on a dare and told the preator. It had been ban for years, always punishable by death. The day Jason became preator he changed it, he got backlash but refused to keep the law, it was still to late, how many children had already been murdered because of a fucking crush? He was crying silent tears, too scared to make a sound, he glanced at the clock next to him 2:17am, he must have fallen asleep after dinner. He remember that day with Nico, he'd sworn everything would be okay but all he could think was the sound of snapping. He knew things had changed but that was only seven years ago; he always thought Camp Half-Bood would be better with it but he still dreaded the thought of people finding out. He hated himself, hated that he way gay, hated that he couldn't just be fucking normal.
"Hey Jay, you wanna watch a movie? Can't sleep, guessing you can't either, don't think any of us are after finding out about Nico." Fuck, it was Percy, he needed to get his shit together.
"Y-yeah su-sure." He muttered, wiping his tears away with the back of his hand. Percy walked inside carrying some snacks and an old laptop that the two of them had downloaded a bunch of movies on. Then he noticed the son of Jupiter, crying silently, breath unsteady.
"Are you alright? What happened?" He sat down next to him on the bed, placing a hand on his shoulder.
"Yeah, I'm fine. What do you want to watch tonight?" He fucked up, he needed to hide it better.
"Jay, what's going on? You can talk to me." No, no he couldn't, because that would be admitting he needed help. He knew things at Camp Jupiter were better now but the damage had been done, he could barely feel anything anymore, anything that wasn't you aren't enough, try harder.
"I'm fine, Jackson." Percy knew something had happened, and he knew it wasn't the first time. He'd seen how he tossed in his sleep, how he was almost fully alert, how he shot awake at the slightest sound of speaking. He'd tell him when he felt ready to, he wouldn't try to force it out of him.
"Okay, just remember I'm here if you ever want to talk." He just nodded before opening the laptop and started scrolling through movies,
"Hercules?"
"No, never again. I watched it with Annie once and she spent the whole time correcting it, I still haven't recovered. Scream?"
"I think we have enough horrors in our life already, Beauty and the Beast?"
"Yeah good idea." They'd both watched it at least four times but it was comforting and the songs were good. Fourth three minutes had passed and Jason hadn't processed a single part of the movie, his mind was filled with the nightmares and memories which were the old preators of Camp Jupiter, he had never blamed Octavian for the way he was, with those two it could have happened to anyone. He wished he could talk to Percy but that would be showing weakness; he needed to stop this, things had changed, he wasn't even there anymore. He needed to be okay, that was two years ago he should be fine, he should have forgotten. But all he could here was the snap of breaking necks and being yelled at to work harder. He needed to train more, be strong, better strategy, nothing was enough, he had to be perfect. That wasn't enough, be more than perfect, stand in line, fit in, be a true Roman. He needed to tell someone, he wanted to, but every time he went to speak he stopped himself.
"I saw someone get hung." He said it. Why he had said it he doesn't know, he regretted it but there was nothing else to do.
"What the fuck? Who? Where? Why?!."
"Camp Jupiter, I don't know why I'm telling you this. I was like nine I think."
"What the actual fuck Jay! Why where they hung? Did they kill someone or something?"
"Don't... freak out when I tell you this... the rules have been changed from the day I became predator."
"What the fuck was it? Like missing training or some shit, gods that would be fucked up."
"It was for being gay."
"WHAT THE FUCK!?"
"It's changed now, I'm guessing things are better here?"
"No shit, no one says homophobic shit unless they want to get stuck clearing out stables for months." They fell into a strange silence after that, both too scared to break the silence between them. Percy had always wondered what Jason's life had been like at Camp Jupiter, he had never spoken about it much, every word being brief and never before he became predator. Ten minutes passed both watching the movie but not taking a word in,
"Reyna was against it."
"What?"
"When I got rid of the law Reyna didn't want me to, she said it wasn't worth it, said it would cause more trouble."
"How'd you get is passed?"
"I didn't give her a choice, it was the only option."
"Good job mate, it was the right thing." Tears started to form in his eyes but he held them back, he couldn't cry in front of him. He knew he needed to get out of that but thirteen years of no showing emotion tends to have that effect. "Jason are you alright?"
"I- I'm f-fine." He needed to get a grip on himself what the hell was he doing,
"You know you can talk to me, yeah?"
"Yeah." In, hold, out, nothing, repeat. He need to stay calm, he was sharing too much, he was becoming weak. He couldn't say it, as he debated to find the next words that would come out of his mouth Percy broke the silence.
"Well mate I'm really happy you got that changed because otherwise I would have been killed at Camp Jupiter." Jason froze for a second, before shifting his gaze towards the son of Poseidon.
"Wait what?"
"I'm bi, I'm guessing that fell under the same thing?"
"Honestly I never read it properly, I just got rid of it. But rewinding are you like... ya know... out?"
"I mean mom and Paul know, and obviously so do Annie and Grover; it's not something I try to like hide I just don't really have a reason to tell everyone I guess? Like I wouldn't care if everyone knew but I'm not going go out of my way to tell them because it doesn't affect them." He'd never really thought about it, he'd known since he was twelve but it wasn't something that he'd ever thought was worth sharing. And there was always the fear of a bad reaction which he didn't want to put up with.
"A-are they all like... fine with it? Like do they care?" Percy smiled,
"My parents said I wasn't allowed to have anyone over with the door shut anymore and Annabeth said I better not leave her for Nico so no not really." He left out the fact that Grover had always known, through the year they had in the mortal world and the empathy bond, it was never something they talked about, just something they had both known.
"H-how? How are you so... okay with yourself? How do you tell people? Don't you feel vulnerable?" He stopped the tears, he couldn't cry, he wouldn't let himself, even if he wanted to he couldn't.
"I guess sometimes you just have to trust people, not everyone is the right person to trust but you need to open up to people occasionally, it's just a part of life. And if they do react badly they weren't good people and well you just have to move past it sometimes because you will say or do something you regret but it's... it's just life." He debated with himself, why had things seemed so much easier with Leo? Why couldn't he just control it? He hid it for years, he- couldn't- fail- now. He thought if the words Percy had just said, h-he- wasn't strong enough to do it. Maybe that was really being weak? Maybe being scared if yourself was weak. He thought back to Nico, he had it forced out of him yet he was still strong, he never denied it, he wasn't scared of himself like he was. He'd realised he was okay he told the people he'd cared about on his own terms, he was stronger than he'd ever be. He thought back to himself, never brave enough to admit a word yet he'd made a change, maybe it didn't change the minds of a hundred Romans, maybe it wasn't that effective, but he'd still tried to make a change. If only he'd been stronger that might have been a more powerful one; he had to do this, no matter how much he dreaded it, he would.
"I'm gay." That's when he finally let the tears he'd been holding back run down his face, he couldn't do this anymore, yesterday had barely seemed real. He tried to stop his sobbing but that just made more tears fall, his breath felt shallow and weak.
"You're alright, deep breaths. I'm proud of you mate."
"I-I feel so fucking weak and useless; I can still imagine the sound my neck would make as it snapped."
"Jason, nothing is going to happen, I know it can be hard to change your thoughts but remember you're the reason that won't happen to anyone else."
"I was too late, that won't take away the trauma, the self hatrid, the people who still think it's wrong because of what it used to be." He said through his broken voice and sobs,
"No, but it's a step in the right direction Jay. People will suck either way but you tried and you made a difference, maybe it didn't help that many people but I'm sure at least one person heard of the removal of the law and changed their life, gave them hope."
"I-it wasn't enough."
"Yes it was, you need to stop being so harsh on yourself."
"That's pretty fucking difficult when you've been told you're not good enough from the age of fucking three." Percy pulled him into a hug,
"Well you won't be hearing it anymore, you're good enough, you deserve everything."
"T-t-thank- you Percy."
"Now let's finish this movie."
***
He would be fine. He has to be fine. Will didn't care what he had to do to make sure Nico wouldn't die, he wouldn't let him. Hazel would be here in a day or two, he swore to himself that he would never tell her that her brother was dead. He'd checked on every other patient a hundred times, looked through each and every file all to distract from the small unconscious boy. He was worried sick about both him and Austin, they were going to try the other side of the forest this time, the one that lead to the river, it was the only place they haven't looked. The son of Apollo walked outside and lit a cigarette, hoping the nicotine would calm him down, be an escape from all the chaos. He took three advils out of his pocket and swallowed them dry, hoping the aching throughout his body would go away, it never did. He looked out to the dark sky, and hated every part of it. His heart rate rose by the second, some days he'd wished he didn't have a heart at all so it couldn't feel this pain. He loved him, maybe that was a curse. Would he wake up? He was never sure, he never said how much it scared him but everyone knew, the ones close to him knew he was a disaster though they had never really known it every other time. They never really knew the hours he spent in tears, how of the job he was almost never sober, how he hated every inch of himself. This time they knew because this time he couldn't hide it, they didn't know what had happened but they knew he wasn't okay, maybe that's okay. Every part of him that wasn't worried about Nico worried for Austin, if he were honest every part worried for both at the exact same time. Missing. Not a trace. Not a word. Not a sign. Was he even alive? He should have been there, saved him, stopped all of this from happening. He was his older brother, it was his job, he failed. He couldn't keep them all safe. Tears silently streamed down his face; it was past three in the morning. He'd spent every moment he could in the infirmary for the last two days, there were always people coming in and even then he was worried about Nico. He knows he should be there with his siblings, making sure they're all okay, helping with search parties. Only one thought played in his mind, he was going to lose another brother. He'd lost Micheal, he'd lost Lee, and now probably Austin. He knew he should be strong, comfort the younger children, they were all going through what he was, he knew that. He knew he shouldn't be sitting on the grass, past midnight, higher than a kite crying his eyes out, he just felt so helpless.
***
I don't know how well this is going. I love him, well at least I think I love him. We haven't really talked that much, I mean we both missed people from camp and everything but it's been two weeks and we still barely talk, the thing is I didn't even really miss it. We've talked sure but it never... meant anything. Like we'll say 'hi' and then move on with better things to do, I've heard there's a way to find people's soulmates if you're an Aphrodite kid, I'm scared to try it but maybe it'll help us out. We have to be soulmates... right? I mean Hera thought we should be together, mom thinks we should be together so I guess that's not really up to us. I want to break up with him, we aren't like how we were before, we aren't close anymore. Maybe it's because his memory came back, without the war. Maybe he never even fucking loved me. I fucking hate everything. Why can't our lives just be fucking normal? I just want to be with Jason and live a normal fucking life.

There's this girl in the Demeter cabin and she is so pretty I can't, blonde hair with highlight, bright green eyes. She seems so amazing and I want her. Wait. What the fuck. Do I like a girl? Well I guess that's another thing to add to the 'I just can't be fucking normal' list I guess. Honestly I don't even know if it counts, she's just... so fucking pretty. I don't understand myself sometimes.

Fuck, shit, no. No. Fucking hell no. He's not my soulmate, I'm too scared to see his. Mine, fuck it's a girl. It's a fucking girl. Fuck, fuck, fucking shit, I hate myself so much. I'll make it work, fuck soulmates, I want Jason, I want Jason and will make things work with him if it kills me. Why am I such a fucking freak? No one even sees it, all they see is Piper McLean, daughter of Aphrodite and a famous movie star but it's all I am.

Do I even love him?
***