Both Sides Now || Jemily

[8]

When I think more than I wanna think, do things I never should do

Due to being the communications liaison, JJ had other duties that she must fulfill that the other team members didn't. The administrative side covered her and Hotch. As the unit chief, he had his fair share of responsibilities, but he also had the authority and title that came with the extra work. JJ didn't. She found herself dragging her feet behind her every time she came into the offices alone, knowing it was very likely she wouldn't see anyone aside from Hotch possibly.

She would sit at her desk all day and all night and back again, at least that's how it felt when she arrived to find endless stacks of files aligning her desk. She did have one privilege that the other team members did not; she had her own office to mull over these cases. There weren't many on the team with this privilege, the elite few being her, Hotch, and Garcia. Hotch had chosen to decorate his office, pictures of his wife and son dotted around his desk, and any other furniture that could house sentimental photos. Garcia also decorated her office albeit to a more eccentric degree. She had gathered all types of colorful trinkets and figures. She had once explained to JJ that if something 'brings me joy, I bring it with me'. JJ found this mentality heartwarming and wholesome especially when taking into account the graphic scenes they are subjected to every week.

Unlike Hotch's scrapbook of an office, and Garcia's fantasy land full of pink and glitter, JJ's office was bare. She had neutral-coloured stationary disorganised across her desk which dotted along the sides of the new case files she would have to work through. The other aspects of her office, the filing cabinets and the table as you enter the door were all empty. If anything was placed on top of them, it must be relevant to the job as JJ didn't hold anything else as close to her as she did with her work alongside the FBI. She would have pictures of her family and children if she ever had them, but she didn't. She would decorate the furniture with objects that brought her joy in hard times during work, but there wasn't anything. She was lonely when it was written on paper. She has no children, no marriage or partner, is not close with family and most of her conversations were shared with her coworkers. She valued her team a lot. The close bond she had with most of them and the family she had found among them. Garcia meant a lot to her, she had filled the role as a sister to her which helped with the loss of her own.

The room was quiet. Hotch, if he came into the office on the same day and at the same time as her, would be in his own office which was situated on the other side of the bullpen; any noise he made and any conversation that would be sparked would be dulled by the multiple sets of walls that separated them. She continued to scan over the files as she often did. Weighing up which were immediate and which could be delegated to other units within the police force. It became second nature to her as she was able to sort through them efficiently but it still left her room to think.

When she found herself with a free minute and pushed herself back from her desk. Normally, this would be the time that she would route through the unread notifications on her phone as a way to distract herself for a break from work. This time she scanned the phone screen to read the time. 23:53. It was a lot later than she realised but it didn't surprise her much. She would often come in, initially planning to stay no more than a few hours but she would always end up missing the sunset and chasing the sunrise as she walked back to her car. As she stood from her desk, she made a plan to leave the office and get herself a drink of coffee from the machine in the bullpen.

She left the files unattended on the desk as she closed the office door behind her. She glanced toward Hotch's office and noticed the unit chief had seemingly gone home for the night. It was always a sign she was there for too long if Hotch left before her as he was known within the group for rarely leaving the confines of the offices. She let herself sit with this realisation and carried on towards the coffee machine. Emily's desk was still almost clear of all objects and personalisation aside from the stationary that JJ had placed there on her behalf. As JJ's mug sat underneath the machine's tap, she remained staring at Emily's desk. She thought of what the agent might be doing right now at this very moment. She knew the others quite well so could either predict their activities or was already aware of what they were doing at midnight. But JJ knew next to nothing about Emily.

The two had bonded that night over drinks and had messaged briefly the morning after, but JJ didn't know what she enjoyed doing in her free time. She didn't know what her childhood was like and did she have any family living close by. She didn't know whether she was enjoying her semi-new role as a profiler under the BAU or whether it was merely a stepping stone for something further, She wanted to know and she would be happy for Emily to confide in her with all these facts about herself. She wanted Emily to be here right now. The two would both be in the office too late at night for no good reason other than JJ wanted to know her. JJ turned her sight back towards the coffee machine only to witness it spilling over the edges of her mug. This was the first second she was thankful that no one, especially Emily, was in the office with her right now. They would have to witness how she smacks the machine's button, commanding it to stop pouring a blend of coffee, milk, and water.

The napkins sat to the side of the machine, using themselves as a quick mop for the liquid. Flustered, she begins to pad, wipe, and smear the tray in an attempt to absorb it up and, hopefully, make sure no one knows how she made a fool of herself. Once the machine is restored back to its appearance before JJ allows it to flood, she takes a seat at Emily's desk to catch a second before returning to her office. She places her mug in front of her on this desk, and napkins underneath it to catch any drops of coffee that may have escaped her. Sitting in Emily's chair, she tries and fails to stop herself from opening the drawers underneath. The first of the three drawers reveals nothing, empty and cleared out from, presumably, the last tenant of this desk. The second handle is slowly pulled out by JJ to reveal nothing of importance, just a few sheets of blank paper and some loose paperclips dotted over it. She quickly noted that the presence of this stationary, most likely, had nothing to do with Agent Prentiss and instead had everything to do with a past agent not clearing their belongings out efficiently.

JJ had weighed the risks of snooping through Emily's desk in her head. On one hand, she felt wrong for invading the agent's privacy and wished that the thought hadn't even crossed her mind and she stood next to the desk pulling out each of the desk drawers. On the other hand, she needed to know everything she could about Emily. She didn't know why but she felt like she was owed the information that came along with knowing Emily. She wanted to know everything about her that she could find, either through her own words or by standing over her desk past midnight and shoving every drawer out of place and looking for any confirmation that this was Emily Prentiss's desk and not a random piece of furniture that has been simply abandoned.

As she wrapped her fingers around the handle of the third drawer, the gray area of ethical implications this invasion falls into began to clear and sort itself into binary colours. JJ knew this was wrong and even if the highlight of what she finds is just the few pages of paper, she would still be wrong for these sections as who knows what could have been hiding behind the drawers. The time was passing as she pondered whether to open the last drawer or leave the situation with as much good-willed intentions as she could. The back-and-forth in her mind got to be too much for her, the slight shake in her breath caused by the stress of the last unopened drawer ate away at her. Her fingers pulled on the drawer and quickly opened it along with the other two.

It was a collection of smaller-than-usual flashcards. Each of the squares contained a different name from the group, an addition of a phone number underneath the name. JJ felt a wave of relief that the deepest secret she uncovered from this invasion of privacy was that Emily liked to keep her contact book outside of her phone and, incidentally, outside of a book too. She decided to leave this mission of hers as the last task of the night and head home. Closing the draw, she counts just five cards, the team is two members short according to the agent's cards. JJ presumes she doesn't keep a record of her own name and number in the bottom drawer of her desk. So, racing against her own self-made deadline, she begins reading the cards to see who Emily has deemed unworthy to rest in the almost empty drawers of her desk,

JJ is not named on the cards. Nor any alias or nickname. JJ, Jennifer Jareau, Agent Jareau or anything even remotely close is missing from Emily's collection of cards. JJ released her hand from the handle of the drawer after pushing it back in. She picked her mug back up and walked to her office. Grabbing her bag and not staying for a second longer than needed, she made a straight line from the office to her car in the lot and left before the sun arrived. At least it's still dark, she thought, that went as planned even if nothing else did.

I drink much more that I ought to drink because it brings me back you