Not Like Last Time

Chapter 10

I don't know how long I sat there. I felt empty. Numb. I hauled myself up and rubbed my eyes. I closed the curtains to the window that looked out to Cassie's room. I didn't want to look at her house when all I could see was the rope.

I dragged my desk to the other side of the room, making a lot of noise. I really hoped that Mom wouldn't wake up and ask what I'm doing. I opened the drawer where I kept the photos and threw them all away.

I hesitated with the one where Cassie was on my back, grinning. I closed my eyes and crumpled the photo, ripping it apart and tossing it in the trash.

I tossed the geodes she'd given me, the bracelets, the makeup she'd let me borrow, everything. Gone. I stayed up until 1 AM throwing away everything that reminded me of her.

I flopped onto my bed and pulled the blankets up to my chin. I dozed off, only to wake because I thought I heard my phone ringing. I turned off my phone completely, but turned it back on barely 5 minutes later.

Finally I fell asleep.

The next morning my room felt empty. I made up my mind right then. I went downstairs before I could change my mind.

"Mom, can I have a new room?" I waited for an exasperated sigh, or a sorry, instead, I was pleasantly surprised.

"Sure. You can have the spare room." She shrugged.

"Wait–Really?" I exclaimed. Mom wasn't exactly the type of person to just give something up immediately. She needed to plan, to figure out a budget. Always.

"Of course. I know it must be hard to be in that room after everything. You can bring whatever you want in there and then we'll buy whatever else you need."

"Thanks," I fidgeted with my hands. Everything felt so awkward now, like she was tiptoeing around my feelings. I went upstairs and started moving my clothes to the dresser in the spare room. It was considerably smaller than mine, but it was nice.

I still kept the curtains closed though. I brought my notebook and pen over, and that was the only thing I brought over. I left everything else.

I opened the notebook to a blank page and scribbled until the ink was seeping through the page. Until there were just loops and squiggles, no straight lines.

I kept scribbling until the page was completely black. On the page next to it I wrote in all caps, THIS IS WHAT MY BRAIN FEELS LIKE.

It was true. My brain felt blank and yet filled to the brim with terrible thoughts. There was a small pocket of light somewhere, but I couldn't feel it then. It was like it was tucked away, waiting for me to find it.

I set down the notebook and stared at the black page. I pressed my finger to it and the ink bled onto my finger. I took my thumb off and put it on the other page.

The sight of my fingerprints was oddly satisfying so I did it again and again until the fingerprints started to be less and less prominent. I just kept pressing my thumb back and forth, back and forth from the pages.

Back. And. Forth.

I jumped when my phone rang.

Sam. I hesitated, then hit the answer button before I could change my mind.

"Hey." I said, hoping my voice didn't sound strained.

"Hi." His voice was soothing. "How are you?"

I hesitated for a split second. "Fine."

"Don't lie to me, Dealia." He'd taken on a sterner tone and I sighed.

"Okay, okay. I just had to go to the spare room today. That's all." Come on Dealia, that wasn't even a half truth. It was hardly a quarter truth.

Sam didn't answer. He probably knew I wasn't telling the whole story. But he didn't press. "Fine." He took a deep breath. I felt a bit guilty but he was just getting better too. He didn't need my problems as well. "Just...promise me you'll call if something happens? I don't want something to happen to you too."

"Nothing's going to happen to me, Sam." I assured him.

"Promise." He pleaded, and I could hear how strained his voice was.

"Sam," I said firmly. "I promise."

"Good. You better hold to it, D."

"I will."

We hung up. I stared at the wall. How plain the wall was. No marks, no chipped paint, just...paint. I wondered if all walls stayed like this one. No chips, no scars, no nothing. Just normal.

I'm not talking about walls.