Not Like Last Time

Chapter 1

  Rivers was quieter than normal. Considering the room was filled with a bunch of fuck-ups, one would think at least somebody would talk. During Group, at least one person usually talked to Bailey.

I hardly ever talked so it didn't matter much to me. But Bailey looked a bit irritated. "Girls. Are any of you going to speak up today? Remember, our next group day isn't until next week. I'd like to ask a guiding question since none of you are speaking up." She paused, glancing at her clipboard. "Ah. Why did you self harm?"

Why did you self harm? What a demanding question. She's asking us to spill our guts out. I glance at Kailey, who is normally the first to speak. She's kind of dumb, and she's super skinny. Some sort of anorexic I think. She's nice enough. Sure enough her soft voice says, "Insecurities. I felt fat and ugly. I stopped eating in the hopes to get skinny. Meet those beauty standards you know?" Bailey nodded. "But skinny doesn't always mean you're not insecure."

"Thank you for sharing, Kailey." Bailey smiled at her and then moved her gaze to Selene, who always sat next to Katie. She was on the fatter side, and she was a burner. You could tell from the red and mottled skin on her arms. She had dots from cigarette burns on her neck. "What about you, Selene?"

Selene tensed. She always talked during group days as well, but she was always the grumpy and angry one. "Hm...shall I go with the stereotype?" She sent a meaningful glance at Judy, who was basically a walking self-harm stereotype. Adding a dramatic flair to her voice she cried, "I was bullied so much at school. The pressure eventually got to me, so I just did it. It felt good so I did it again." The bully part was a lie, I knew. The pressure and the habit, that wasn't. The habit is the same for all us fuck-ups. It feels bad, but it feels good, so we keep doing it.

Bailey's smile seemed to tighten slightly. "Thank you, Selene."

Carlee spoke without being asked. "I did it because at first I felt like everyone was doing it. I felt like I needed to do it. People were always showing off their scars and I thought they would think mine were cool." She scoffed. "Well, they didn't think so and I ended up here." I liked Carlee's story. It was different from the normal 'I was insecure' or 'The pressure got to me.'

I zoned out, only half listening to what everyone said. When Bailey got to me she gave me a reassuring smile like, Come on, give me something here, Dealia.

I shrugged and wrote down, I got tired of my body. I wanted to change it. I didn't care how. Bailey nodded, glad to have gotten something from me. She wrote on her clipboard again.

After Group was over I went back to my room. My schedule in Rivers was pretty much this:

8 AM:Breakfast

9AM:Crafts

11AM:Rooms

1PM:Lunch

2PM: Free Time

3PM:Group

4PM:Rooms

5PM:Dinner

6PM:Individual Therapy

7PM:Rooms

9PM:Lights out

Pretty generic but hey, most of the girls here need a specific routine to keep themselves from spiraling. I lie in my bed, staring up at the ceiling, allowing myself time to think of Cassie, and Samuel, and Mark. They were my people. It felt nice to have people. But Cassie was my person.

I told her everything. Even my self-harm. She never told anyone. I was happy that she never told anyone. Cassie got into drugs about a year before we met. Without her parents knowing, she always got high. So did Samuel and Mark, they didn't have anyone but us. I was the only one that never got high. I was too afraid. Self-harm was easier to conceal than drugs.