Forever the Riddle

I Pity You

Mattheo dropped me off in my room, the common room almost all cleared out since it was almost three in the morning. 

"Goodnight, Mattheo." I smiled as I slipped inside of my dorm room. 

"Goodnight." He smiled back, as I shut the door. 

Pansy was already snoring alone in her bed. Passed out, still in her skintight dress and heels. I walk over to her to take her heels off and pull a blanket over her. I suddenly hear the door fly open and turn around to it slamming shut. Pansy doesn't even stir. 

"What you're fucking Valentine now?" 

"Calm down, D." I point to Pansy to tell him to lower his voice. "I am not fucking Mattheo."

He visibly relaxes a little, but I can see his teeth still grinding. "Then why were you with him. Where did you go? Why were you gone for so long?" He tries to whisper shout, but it was almost impossible with how angry he was at me. 

"I needed some fresh air, D. We went on a walk. That's all." 

"Went on a walk." He laughs. "Where?" 

I pause, thinking about how exactly I was going to answer that question. Draco knows about the black lake, but I haven't taken anyone there since Tom. I know telling him the truth will crush him, but I made a promise to myself, no more lies. I was tired of all the lies, there were too many. 

"The black lake."

Draco's face drops into a frown. The look of devastation now permanently stuck on his face. "You took him to the black lake. To that spot? Why?" 

"I don't know, D. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the dancing, or maybe it was me finally being ready, but I just had this urge to see it. I haven't been back there since I was with Tom, and I felt completely at ease. I..." I smiled at the feeling of ecstasy I still had, thinking about how our initials were no longer carved into that bench. "I feel free. For the first time in forever, I feel nothing when I think of him. I took Mattheo there because when we were dancing together, I felt this sense of calm. The voices in my head that are continuously reminding me of everything Tom ever did or said to me, finally quit and I just wanted to revel in that feeling a little bit. I deserved that. If that was being alone with Mattheo and taking him to the black lake with me then that's what had to happen. I will not apologize for that." 

Draco was speechless. The look of hurt still present on his face. "Why him, Poppy. I've been there for you for years. I have always been the one to take care of you, I don't understand why it had to be with him. I have finally showed you how I feel about you and you didn't ever feel safe enough with me?" He was tried hard not to raise his voice at me, I could tell. He furrowed his brows, and his hands were balled into fists, but he tried calming himself by taking a deep breath. "Poppy, Mattheo..... He's not good for you. You need to stay away from him." 

"I heard you the first thousand times you've told me, D. I can handle myself. I appreciate the concern, but I don't want it. As for the feelings, Draco I told you I loved you too, but I have to be honest, I don't date. You know that. What happened between us, won't happen again, and it's nothing on you, you're perfect. I, just, can't put myself in that vulnerable position again. Ever." 

Draco puts his hand on my arm and pulls me in for a hug. I hesitate for a second, not wanting him to get the wrong idea or get his hopes up that there can ever be something between us. I finally give into the hug and lay my head on his chest, Draco's hand rubbing my back. He silently pulls back and places a kiss on my forehead before turning around and leaving the room. Never saying another word. 

I throw myself on my bed with my face in my pillow and let out a muffled scream.  I did this too myself; that, I knew. The sexual attraction was there, I definitely loved Draco with all of my heart, but for some reason I couldn't shake the wrongness feeling. It was like, kissing him, was like kissing a brother or a best friend, it just didn't feel right.