Will and I have spent the whole day together. Percy was astounded that Will got up so quickly, but we still haven't told anybody we were now technically together.
As I sit in the dark in my cabin, alone obviously, I can't help but think. I'm not sure I made the right choice. Who ever said that I was gay? Or bi? Or anything but straight? I don't know what possessed me to move everything along so quickly. I'm not even sure I like Will like that. I felt so bad, I had hurt him so much, but as far as I know, I don't feel that way about guys. About anybody really. I've never felt that way about anybody.
I think it has something to do with me. When I was in the mortal world, I listened to a lot of bands. One of which was Of Monsters and Men. OMAM has a song called "Love, Love, Love" and in this song, the lyrics say "all cause you love, love, love, when you know I can't love you" and I wonder how significantly prevailing and thoughtful this set of lyrics is. I can't love you, until I love myself, but to do that, I may need you to love me. Its a terribly horrifying vicious circle, not to mention the reality of messing with people's feelings and emotions. Nobody wants to love someone without being loved back. Right now, I think that Will loves me. I don't love him. I don't love anyone. I don't love myself. Maybe that will get better one day.
"Don't let it go on," my conscious hisses in my ears, "you'll hurt him."
I can't deal with these thoughts. We're together, yet I refuse to let him tell anyone. I can't let him. It'll only hurt more when I leave him. I can't stay with him. Not forever. Just until he's happy. I don't want him to be sad. I might not be able to leave him. When will it hurt less?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Published 07/11/15
Edited 12/27/16
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Shining Through the Darkness (Solangelo AU)
Random"I quickly grab his hand, give it a shake, and let go, averting my eyes towards the ground and muttering a quick hello. He gives me a strange look. He then pulls a Monster energy drink out of his bag and pours it into his half empty coffee mug, mixi...
