Eminence

Note 21 - Can We Still Be Friends?

Jack was surprised when Emanon entered the room, but he still laughed since she would be the one to come in unannounced. She's never been good about reading the room, either. She closed the door behind her, climbed into bed, and sat across from him. 

"Good Morning..."Jack said to her. 

"Good Morning..." Emanon replied. 

"I saw our memories."

"Yeah? We've never really talked about it, huh?"

"I've told Warren about our past, but I've been clinging to him too much lately. You and I talk to him so easily, but we haven't talked; just us."

"That man, in your memories. That's Vaan, right?"

"-Yeah, that's Vaan."

"We look alike, don't we? Almost like twins, are we related?"

"Yeah..."

"You really loved him, didn't you? I could tell from what I saw, but I didn't just see all of your memories. It's like I was there and felt each of your pains. Theo and Eminence, Anika, you, and Warren. You all carry such painful things with you."

"I'm sorry, Em; I know my pain doesn't excuse what I've done to you. I did love him; as much as I have tried to brush things off and say shallow things, I can't escape it. I thought maybe I could fill myself with another person to erase Vaan, but I guess you can't when you've known them your whole life. I think I understand Theo a bit more now, especially his attachment to Eminence. Why can't he let go even though you're not her? Maybe he also was hoping to fill himself with another to forget you. We're both the same kind of pathetic, huh? Haha."

"-I realized something when I saw Warren's memories; I could feel his stomach drop as he went to open a door he recognized, the panic he felt, and the sorrow and dread that followed. It hurt in a way that I couldn't describe. Why did Warren's pain hurt so much worse for me than everyone else? To see him like that was an indescribable feeling. I felt paralyzed by it, and then I thought about Theo and your memories. Was your pain for you? Or the person you cared deeply for? Is this how you felt about Vaan? Is this how Theo felt about Eminence? The more I thought about it, the more I also began to understand. I don't think you're pathetic, Jack. I think you're carrying the pain of two, and it's killing you inside."

"- But I saw you cry and scream for me; you were so scared. I'm all you've had these past ten years, and I left you so easily."

"Yeah, you were all I had; you were my whole world, but just because the world has become much bigger for me does not mean you no longer have a place in it. You said that you can't erase someone you've known your whole life. I know that I may not remember my previous life, I may not be Eminence anymore, but for as long as I have been Emanon, I have known you my whole life, and I can't let you go even if I wanted to. You're still incredibly important to me, although I will admit that even I regretted escaping at one point. Even though I hated you with every fiber of my being when you left, as you could see in my memories, I still couldn't help but call out to you. I begged anything and everything out there to bring you back despite it putting me at risk of being discovered, and When Warren found me, I thought that I couldn't risk losing someone again. I couldn't handle being abandoned, so I clung, even if it meant that he would one day grow to hate me, and yet, he has never looked at me with resentment. He's always tried to make things work; he's always tried to understand me. His kindness makes me feel like you and I have been too hard on ourselves. Yes, you and I have done cruel things, but I want us to talk about it and agonize over it together; I want us to try again. I want to start over. I want you a part of my life, Jack; I don't want to lose you. That's why I was so angry when you disappeared; I thought maybe you didn't feel the same way I did. After ten years, I thought we were so close. I'm glad I know how you feel now; I know I can't replace Vaan, and I'm sure you don't want me to anyway. Do you think that we can still be friends?"