Eminence

Note 23 - We're Such A Mess Together

As Jack, Theo, and Anika worked together on making breakfast burritos for everyone, Warren watched Emanon as he sat on the couch. She looked unsure what to do, which was not typical for Emanon. Usually, she would do as she wished without a thought, as she had done earlier when she went into Theo and Jack's room. She watched them from afar, tilting her head upwards like a cat curious about the food you eat while it watches you. She tilted her head to the side as if in thought, turned around, and went to the balcony. She left the door open and then sat on the floor. Warren couldn't help but be curious himself, so he followed her. 

"Gave up on being patient and decided to distract yourself with a view of the ocean?" He asked her. 

"It's strange, this feeling I'm having." She responded. 

"Would you like to tell me about it?" Warren asked and sat down by her side.

"You know, it's weird. There's just something about the cold, crisp ocean air blowing through, tied in with the warmth of the sun and the cries of the seagulls. The smell of breakfast wafting out of the window and how it contrasts with the smell of the sea. It's very cathartic after last night. Everything was so overwhelming, and it felt like it was never going to end, and now that everything and everyone is settled, it's like this sense of calm and peace. I'm not sure if I'm describing it very well."

"That's okay, keep going. I'll listen until you're satisfied with the answer you find to this new sensation."

Emanon paused for a moment. Warren watched her closely; she looked so beautiful for this angle. The wind blew through her hair, and it glistened in the light. That long, lovely, dark ash blonde looked as silver as his hair. Maybe if someone below looked up at them, they would look the same age. Up close, she only looked about ten years younger than him, but they would still probably get weird looks. It was difficult not to be in awe of her when she was in moments like this. Those beautiful reddish-brown eyes look like they're on the brink of something that would change her whole world. 

"Warren?" She looked over at him. 

"Yes?"

"Are you still with me? You look like you're out in space."

"Sorry, I was distracted. Were you telling me something?"

"Well, not yet, but you were so silent that I almost thought you were sleeping with your eyes open."

"Haha, I'm sorry; I was just trying to absorb every second of you."

"What are you, a black hole?"

"No, I'm saying I'm so enamored by your presence. I want to consume every inch of you, " he said with a warm, gentle smile. Emanon seemed so moved by this that her eyes began to tear up.

"You know, a person gets so used to being the same every day, every day feeling like you're either waiting for a slow death or overwhelmed and overstimulated by the feeling of survival that you don't get to experience such moments. Maybe this is how it was always supposed to be. Maybe you were always supposed to have a moment to digest everything and conceptualize everything after you've calmed down and then just let it all go. It's only after the fact that you realize, when you remember, that you are, in fact, alive."

Emanon took a deep breath and wiped her tears before she continued.

"The adrenaline of the moment forces you to solely focus on it, absorb it as is, and let it happen to you, like allowing a river to pull you along. It can be really overwhelming, hearing the water thrash around you violently, and yet somehow, there's a sense of calm inside you, and when you pop back up and find a boulder to climb out, it's then that you realize just how much you were shaking. Suddenly, it hits you at that moment. That moment of "I'm alive!" suddenly makes the world feel bigger as if you have more space; it's not suffocating or small. Your lungs feel like they could take in all the air that surrounds you, and when you take a deep breath in..." Emanon said as she took another breath and lifted her arms over her. When she let out the air, she looked up at the sky. 

"It's like this sense of being, this sense of I'm present, I'm here, I'm alive, and I find myself so filled with silent bliss: no heavy dark clouds, no smothering atmosphere, no voices, no thoughts. Just a calmness, happiness like no other, and yet it's this moment that makes me want to experience more, more things that hurt me or agonize over, let's get more misunderstandings, and not know how to talk to each other sometimes, let me see more of things you try to hide from others because I want to experience more of you, I want to experience more of me, I want all over it because all these painful things and the feelings that come with, are so incredibly important to me and I never really realize it until I was able to really digest it all and conceptualize it all. I want more, so much more of you, and I want to love all of those parts I find of you. The ones I like the least and the ones that make me completely over the moon for you." 

Emanon then looked into Warren's eyes with such an excited and loving expression. 

"If it's you, I'm okay with being a mess, making mistakes, and starting over. If it's you, Warren, I feel like I can be satisfied with what life has to give me, both the beauty and the terror, and it's because I love you so much that it hurts."

Warren found himself so overcome with emotion at that moment. He felt like, without needing a single thought, he understood exactly what she meant. The world was at peace right then and there, even with the seagulls crying, music and laughter filling the air, or even the chaos inside just behind them. There was a calm, silent happiness that surrounded them. 

"I think that feeling of youth that people grow to miss and yearn for is that rapture of life, that rupture of overwhelming emotion that floods your body so much that it can't can't digest it, nor can your mind conceptualize it. It's only afterward, when you naturally decompress and feel the catharsis of the moment now passed, that you begin to understand what it means to be alive. I feel it too, Em; I feel it right here with you. I also want more of this, more of you, more of them." 

They both laughed and sat closer. Warren grabbed Em's hand and pulled her in close. Holding onto her like he would be satisfied if this were his last moment. 

"I love you so much that hurts Em."

The sentiment lingered after the words left Warren's mouth as they held each other quietly. As if no more words were needed.