WANTING LANA

TWENTY THREE

Lana

I laid awake long after I finally got Atlas to go to bed.

Even after the shower, he had been so paranoid and it was understandable.

After all I heard from Mrs Knight, I wanted to be scared. What Atlas did was equivalent to stalking but no matter how I thought about it, I just never could place any blame on him.

I didn't remember the first meeting Mrs Knight spoke about but I was glad that just by meeting me he got better and thinking about it, whether or not I got the job by his connection, he had saved my life that day.

If he hadn't sent me the interview message or given me the job, I would never have had this life. I would have been long gone.

He had been my guardian angel, even now he still is. Hearing all she told me and thinking on it, I really appreciated Atlas even more coming into my life regardless of how it came about.

The man I love must have had it really hard trying to control what he couldn't help and because I loved him, it was my turn to be his guardian angel.

I had to help him heal.

I wanted to believe that staying with him and convincing him to go for therapy would help and work out but Atlas was a stubborn man, he would hate that I even found out about it and would immediately refuse claiming to be fine.

If truly what Mrs Knight said about his condition worsening was true, then I was willing to leave for a while just so he could be well for his and my sake.

I hadn't even realised I was crying until droplets fell to my neck.

I looked down at Atlas whose face was snuggled deep into my chest, his arms tightening around me every once in a while. Even in his sleep, he still held on like I would disappear any minute.

If I stayed, would he always have a panic attack like that every time he didn't have me within his sight?

I didn't want to turn him into that, a man who would always have to tiptoe around me. My Atlas is a headstrong man who knew what he wanted and went for it... that's how we got here.

I can't proudly say I love him if I reduce him to lesser the man he is.

I slowly trailed my fingers through his hair and watched as he snuggled closer to me.

I had to hold myself from sobbing as my body shook with grief.

Placing a kiss on his head, I knew the next few days or months or however long this would take would be miserable for me.

I was going to miss him.

****

The next morning when he insisted that I join him to work, I didn't hesitate because I knew it would be harder for him to leave knowing I wouldn't be within his sight for a long time.

Even though I was leaving, I wanted to reduce the level of panic he would have. For now, I just wanted him to relax and be happy.

He held my hand with his free one as he drove us down to work.

I gave him my brightest smile and I tried as much as possible to act the same so he wouldn't suspect anything.

The staff were all surprised to see me at the office again and threw many questions at me, the highly repeated one being "if I was returning to work."

I had to tell them that I was there to get my things and say my last goodbyes. Luckily Atlas had long gone to his office before I told them that.

By the time I made it to his office, he was by the door waiting for me.