WANTING LANA

TWENTY FOUR

Atlas

I was trying to ignore the longing and the itching to go back to Lana.

I had everything under control before, I was doing good. I thought that I no longer needed therapy now that I had Lana. I knew when I was crossing the boundary even if the itch to satisfy my DPD would sometimes appear.

I knew when not to overstep with her.

Dad always used to say it had no power over me as long as I could control it and it worked or it had been working up until I made love to Lana.

The itch and the longing to always be with her tripled, my heart was always in panic because somehow my brain had concluded that everything was too good to be true and that something bad was bound to happen... the calm before the storm, just like my dad.

That thought must have triggered it because once I didn't have her close to me for a short time, I began to overthink, like my whole being went into overdrive.

After what happened yesterday, everything became worse.

The fear that nearly consumed me when I couldn't reach her and then the down pouring of the rain. Everything had just been too much that I lost it.

I lost control over that part of me completely.

Ever since then, Lana had become slightly different. I didn't know how to describe the change. She was much more quiet and seemed to be lost in her head.

I feared that my emotions might have overwhelmed her so much that she wanted time apart. The panic that came with the thought prompted me to ask if I had done something wrong.

After she explained what she thought she had seen yesterday, that part of me calmed enough to be separated from her.

I guess all I needed was her assurance, to know she was there.

I had been afraid to admit my feelings for a long time now because I feared that once I admitted to myself that I loved her, that part of me would cling to her and I didn't want that. I wanted her to have a choice.

But it made no difference now, that part of me had already clung to her from the beginning because I had always loved her.

I loved Lana, my brown eyed curvy goddess.

Once we w back home today, I would tell her and I would tell her about the part of me I hid from her all this while. She would understand why I acted that way yesterday and if she still accepts me as I am, I will do better.... Even if it meant starting psychotherapy again.

I tapped the pen on the table continuously as the meeting slowly drew to an end, I was literally counting down the minutes.

I let Cameron make all the last decisions knowing that my mind would be occupied with a particular someone throughout the meeting.

Soon after, my team and some other staff members began to exit the room and I was about to join them when Cameron blocked my path.

"Slow down there tiger" he said with his boyish smirk.

I gave him an uninterested look in return.

"What do you want, Cameron?" I said in a bored tone.

His face took a serious look with my tone. "Atlas, are you okay? Something was off with you throughout the meeting. You are acting unlike yourself and that is odd. For God's sake you made me make the last call on all decisions. That is certainly not you Atlas" he said looking at me worried.

I sighed, running my right hand through my hair.

"It's nothing really, I just need to go see Lana" I told him truthfully, holding my hands tightly together as they slowly trembled.