The Nights We Stay Awake (TemperancexReader)

42. "I am drowning without you"

Temperance pov

The bones in front of me are supposed to hold my focus, supposed to keep me grounded in the familiar rhythm of my work. But my thoughts are elsewhere, scattered across the pieces of a life i've been desperately trying to compartmentalise. I know these bones are important; they tell a story that needs to be heard, but all i can think about is Y/n. She's still in the hospital, still healing, still... not here with me. And it's tearing me apart.

The fact that i have to step back just to allow her to live is breaking my heart into a thousand shards. Though i have seen her twice in the past week since she woke, it was only because Angela dragged me with her. Otherwise i come up with excuses to cancel coming in the last minute.

The sterile lights of my office does nothing to warm the chill in my chest. I pick up a fragment of bone, forcing myself to concentrate on the details, the texture, the weight. But the memory of her voice, her laugh, her smile - God, her smile - keeps pulling me back. I push it away, pushing her away, because that's what i've decided is best. Maybe not for me, but for her.

My phone buzzes on the desk, and i glance at it, already knowing who it is. Y/n's name lights up the screen, and for a brief, fleeting moment, i consider answering. But my hand freezes, and i let it ring out. I can't. I'm not strong enough to what her voice without wanting to run to her, without wanting to abandon everything i've told myself about needing to stay away. My resolve is shaky, and i can't afford to break.

A minute later, it buzzes again- this time with a voicemail. I stare at it for what feels like an eternity before finally pressing play. Her voice fills the room, raw and aching, and it slices through me like a blade.

"You know what, fuck you, Tempe. Seriously. You cancel on me again, and then you don't answer. I wanna see you, and hug you, kiss you, and make you smile, and make you laugh, and just lie on the couch next to you once i get out of this damned hospital room. And then just fall asleep beside you, like we always do." Her voice breaks through the phone and i feel a tear prickle in my eyes. "It'd be nice you know. Missing you really comes in waves. Tonight, i'm drowning."

I close my eyes, her words echoing in my mind, each one tightening the knot in my chest. She sounds so lost, so desperate, and it's all because of me. I've pushed her away when she needed me most. I've told myself it's for her own good, but hearing her now, i can't help but question everything.

I feel the tears welling up, threatening to spill over. My grip on the edge of the table tightens, knuckles white, as i try to keep it together. I can't cry. I won't. But th pressure builds, and i'm teetering on the edge.

The door to my office swings open, and i quickly wipe at my eyes, forcing the emotion down as Angela steps in. Her presence is a familiar comfort, but today, it feels like a spotlight on everything i'm trying to hide.

"Hey, sweetie," she says with a warm smile, her eyes scanning my face. Her smile falters when she notices my red-rimmed eyes. "You okay?"

I clear my throat, plastering on a practical smile. "I'm fine, Angela. Just... tired."

She doesn't buy it. Angela never does. She steps closer, concern etched deeper lines into her expression. "You don't look fine. You look like you've been crying. Is everything okay? Have you been to see Y/n lately?"

I stiffen at her words, my gaze dropping to the bones on the table. I pretend to be engrossed in the work, holding it'll be enough to deflect her questions. "I've been busy," i say, my voice too clipped, too distant. I know it, she knows it.

Angela crosses her arms, tilting her head as she studies me. "Busy? Brennan, you haven't been to see her since we were there, have you? She's been asking about you."

I swallow hard, guilt gnawing at me. I don't want to talk about this. I don't want to admit that i'm too scared to face her, to face what i might feel when i see her lying there, vulnerable and hurt because of me. Because i pushed her away, and then she got hurt when i let her back in, and i couldn't-

"Tempe?" Angela's voice is softer now, coating, and it makes it even harder to keep up my defences. "What's going on? Talk to me."

I shake my head, forcing a breath past the tightness in my throat. "There's nothing to talk about, Ange. I'm just... i'm busy with these identifications, and cases. It's... it's complicated." it's a lie, and i hate how easily it slips out. But it's easier than the truth.

Angela isn't convinced. She steps even closer, her hand resting gently on my arm. "Temperance, i know this is hard for you. I know how much you love Y/n. But you can't shut her out again. Not now. She needs you."

Her words hit me hard, and i almost crumble right there. But i can't. I won't. So i do what i do best - i compartmentalise. I lock away the feelings, the pain, the overwhelming urge to run to Y/n and hold her close.

"I appreciate your concern, Angela," i say, my voice steady, though it feels like i'm balancing on a knife's edge. "But i need to focus on this case. Y/n... she'll be fine. She has her sister, she has the team. She doesn't need me every second of every day."

Angela's eyes narrow slightly, and i can see the frustration building behind her calm exterior. "That's bullship, and you know it. But fine. You do what you need to do. Just... don't push her away because you're scared."

I flinch at her words, but i don't responds. I can't. The truth is too raw, too painful, and i'm not ready to face it. Not yet.

Angela lets out a sigh, clearly exasperated, but she doesn't push further. She knows me well enough to know when to back off. "Just... take care of yourself, okay? And don't wait too long to go see her. At least before christmas rolls around. You'll regret it if you don't."

She leaves me with that parting shot, and the room feels colder without her warmth.I stare at the bones in front of me, but they're just a blur now. The voicemail plays over and over in my head, her voice pulling me down into the depths of everything i've been trying to void.

I reach for my phone, staring at the screen, my thumb hovering over her number. I want to call her back, to hear her voice, to tell her that i miss her too, that i'm drawing too. But i can't. Not yet.

So i put the phone down, pick up the bone fragment, and force myself to focus on the work. It's the only thing that keeps me from falling apart completely.