Queen of my Heart

19

THIS NEEDED TO END SOONER OR LATER.

But even though I already knew that, there was still this sinking feeling inside me, this twisting ache in my chest that I can't seem to get rid of.

Bloody hell, breaking up with someone who wasn't even your boyfriend was more painful than I thought.

Shane was looking at me weirdly for the last few moments, although maybe it has to something with my heavy breathing and rapid blinking.

“Are you all right, Juliet?” he asked, my name rolling off his tongue like honey.

I nodded, rubbing my palms together. It was so cold here in the rooftop, but I can't think of any other place we could have this conversation.

“I . . . I want to end this, Shane,” I said, my voice faltering upon seeing his instant reaction. His eyes were wide with surprise and panic. I need to do this. “Whatever this is between us . . . I don't want it anymore.”

He reached out a hand, I moved away. Hurt registered in his face, but I told myself he needed to wake up from this lust-induced nightmare. “Why?”

I was momentarily confused. “Why what?”

“Why do you want to end this . . .” he gestured at the space between us “. . . connection we have? Why now? Is this because of Bryan? Did he talked you out of this?”

Bryan. Just his name reminded me of sunshine and warmth. “This has got nothing to do with him, or anyone else for that matter.” I held his gaze steadily. “Can't you see? This is wrong. We shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place. You have a bloody girlfriend, for Pete's sake!”

“But I love you!” he said earnestly, taking my hands in his.

Don't be shaken, Juliet. You don't want this.

His eyes were bright with sincerity. “You're the only one I want, darling. I love you so much it physically hurts.”

I shut my eyes. The words were out of my mouth before I realized I was talking. “Then you should've fought for me.” I levelled him with an ice-cold glare, my eyes filling up with unwanted moisture in spite of me. “If you really love me like you say you do, you wouldn't stay with Gillian. You wouldn't turn me into a fucking mistress. And we would be happy right now.”

Shane looked completely pained as he ran a hand through his hair and paced around. “You don't understand,” he was muttering under his breath. He stopped in his tracks. “Gillian has a mental condition, Juliet. Leaving her will destroy her.”

I was at loss for words.

Gillian? Mental condition? That was such a bloody pathetic excuse, even for someone like Shane. My voice was shaking when I spoke again. “Then I guess this is really the end then. You don't love me enough to choose between us.”

He was struggling to convince me otherwise, I could see it in his eyes. “I need you to understand, sweetheart. Please stop being so selfish.”

My last thread of composure snapped. “Selfish? I am making the most unselfish decision right now, you arse. I'm going to resign being your tour manager and leave the country to get away from you and your selfishness because I don't want to keep going like this.”

He held my hand. “I'm just trying to help Gillian.”

“No! You're trying to help yourself. You want to fool Gillian that you love her while still being able to screw with me.” I took in the realization that dawned on his face, finding the strength to continue. “You have always been the selfish one between the two of us. You knew I can't possibly resist you when you seduce me like you do. You knew that. Yet you keep using my weakness at your expense because you don't want to deal alone with your shit. You want to drag me into your mess.” I wiped a tear from my eye. “Don't you?”

I didn't anticipate the next thing he said. “Then you can't possibly resist this.”

He closed the distance between us, burying his hand in my hair and kissing me like he has never kissed me before. Like I was the only thing he needed to breathe, to live. His tongue caressed my lower lip, coaxing, persuading. I felt weak to my knees, completely surrending to him in spite of myself. His other hand crawled up beneath my shirt, squeezing my breast. I moaned.

“I love you, Juliet,” he said against my lips. “Since we were young.” He traced my jaw and neck with his mouth, his hand inside my shirt touching my nipple.

He was too good at this, I realized. He knew me too well. He knew me so much that he will keep on using my feelings for him to make me stay.

Pulling away ever so slightly, he stared at me almost somberly. “You're everything to me, love, but I can't be with you. Not yet.”

And then I was completely shattered.

“What?” My voice was weak and breathless, my mind in a lust-induced haze. There was a pain in my chest, twisting and turning and breaking. “Clearly . . .” I felt my cheeks burn with tears. “Clearly I'm not everything.”

After all I've been through and after all I've done just to be with him, I was still the second choice.

I backed step, disentangling from him. I was embarrassed and disgusted at him. At myself. “You know what, Shane? Screw you.”

And then I was leaving him, leaving everything behind us for good when I noticed a person watching us from the door of the rooftop.

Gillian.

____________________________________

Woah woah woah. What was THAT?

(Picture of Nicky right there)

Anyway, I am trying to update more frequently, but still no fixed schedule, unfortunately.

On a lighter note, what do you think about this chapter? Is Juliet right or wrong with her decision?

Personally, I think feminists are angry at her for being so weak when it comes to men.

But that's just me :(

~G