Queen of my Heart

32

BRYAN WAS SITTING ON THE COUCH.

It was morning, and I couldn't look at him in the eye. Last night . . . Well, we spent so long holding each other (holding him, rather), but then he just pulled away and walked to the couch, saying he will sleep there.

There was something about the dark that made everything seem less awkward, as if it has a way of dulling the fear of confrontation with people.

But now, as I padded across the room to get some coffee, I didn't think I could talk to him at all.

Nonetheless, I had to swallow my pride and my fear this time. I had hurt him so much that I didn't deserve to even pity myself.

I cleared my throat, turning to him. “W-what do you want to eat?”

He was staring at the coffee table. “Anything.”

Well, that was so specific, but at least he answered, right?

I cooked poached eggs, wanting nothing but to break the silence that settled between us. Three months ago, I wouldn't have minded the quiet—we had always been comfortable without the company of words. This time though, my hands itched to touch him, to tell him I regretted everything I did wrong.

I was never in love with Sander. He was just someone I could always rely on when I had problems regarding my sex life, but I never imagined a future with him.

With Bryan though . . . The future was filled with infinite possibilities for the two of us.

Like maybe going in your separate ways after today?

Tears welled up in my eyes as I prepared our meal. Gosh, I was pathetic. What right did I have to feel so sad?

Walking over to him with a tray in my hands, I set our breakfast down. A strand of my hair escaped from my ponytail, so I quickly tucked it in my ear. Biting my lip and wiping my hands on my jeans, I sat down at the chair on his right.

“Um,” I said to my feet, “let's eat.”

There was a beat of silence, then he bent over and served himself. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I did the same, and we began eating the most tense breakfast known to mankind.

I watched him as he ate, a deep ache filling my chest. There were bags under his eyes and a defeated slump has taken over his shoulders. He was obviously in so much suffering yet I, the girl with the most absurd personality, has so much strength inside me.

If I could, I would take his pain away. But since I was the one who inflicted it upon him, I was useless.

He placed his plate down, apparently done eating as he took a long sip of his drink, too. I glanced down at my own food, untouched.

“Can we talk?” My voice was so weak, so cringe-worthy, that I doubted he heard me.

But he met my gaze, and I was left dumbfounded to see the light gone from his eyes. “Yes, let's do that.” The reluctance was evident in his voice, which seemed to have lost its life, too.

God, Juliet, what more do you want to take away from him?

I wrung my hands together. “About last night . . .”

“Since when did you start seeing Sander?” he cut in, leaning back against the couch.

I blinked. “About a month after you left.”

“Why?” That question again. Asked by any other person, it sounded normal and thrown-in casually, but coming from Bryan, it was like I was stabbing him over and over again.

And maybe I was, but I was too stupid to realize it.

His gaze didn't stray from my face. “Why did you do it?”

Sudden anger surged through my veins. Why did sound so accusatory? It wasn't like he asked me to be his girlfriend before he left! “Why not?” I found myself asking. Surprise flickered across his face, followed by hurt.

“Why not? Is that all you—”

I was tired of not knowing where we stood. Granted, more than half of it was probably my fault, but a relationship was between two people, so we have to really clear things up. “Last time I checked,” I interrupted, feeling courageous, “we weren't anything but friends.” I didn't let him speak. “Yes, we liked each other, and maybe we wanted to put a label on us before you left, but we didn't. You didn't ask, Bryan, so you shouldn't have expected me to wait for you. I'm not required to put my life on hold for you.”

“But you should've known that we had something special! Why did you have to go and cheat on me?”

“Cheat on you?” I was standing before I knew it. How hard was it to get through his head? He was so stubborn! “Bryan, I can never cheat on someone who wasn't even my boyfriend. So what if we kissed? So what if I had felt something more than special towards you? You can't blame me for being involved with an equally single man like yourself when you're away, because I don't have to wait for you!”

And then he was standing up, too, his arms all over the place. “But I love you! Do I really have to put a name on what we are for you to be completely mine?”

“I will never be yours, Bryan! I don't really know what's with you, and I don't understand why I'm even guilty about this, but I didn't do anything wrong! I'm single, Sander's single, and we wanted each other. Is that so hard to believe?” I caught my breath, never looking away from him. For once, my eyes were wholly dry. “I love you, too, Bryan, but I'm my own person. I won't let anyone own me, even you. And I may have done some wrong, but you can't hold it against me that I wanted to explore my love life. It's my own decision, all right?”

He was speechless, and I took as my words finally dawning on him. “You didn't ask me, Bryan,” I said softly, wondering how it came to this. “I needed the assurance that you'll come back to me and as long as we're mere friends, I could never be certain. Friends aren't compelled to see each other all the time, you know?”

I let the words hung, feeling farther from him than ever. We never fought like this, but some things had to be said. As painful as it seemed, we deserved to say and hear the truth from each other.

“You're right,” he said, running a hand through his hair. He sighed heavily, and it was as if a great burden lifted off his chest. “I guess I needed to hear that.”

“I'm sorry,” was all I could say.

He nodded. “Yeah, but I should be the one apologizing.” He took a step forward. “I'm sorry I've been a jerk. You're right—we were never official. I'm sorry I suffocated you.”

A laugh escaped my lips. “Our relationship was never simple, is it?”

The light that I missed so much was back in his eyes, his lips stretching into that smile he reserved for me. “I guess not.”

We fell into silence, this time a comfortable one. It was as if everything was right in the world again.

And then suddenly we were holding each other, clinging so tightly and too afraid to let go. “I missed you,” I said through my tears, my heart bursting with happiness.

He kissed my temple, tightening his arms around me. “I missed you, too, Juliet.”

We stayed like that, not speaking, just content together. Until he broke the silence again.

“May I ask something?”

“You may.”

There was a pause. “Who was it that kept leaving you those voicemails for the past nights?”