Ashes of an Impossible Love

Everything happens for a reason

It's almost 3 in the morning and sleep has completely evaporated. The night feels endless, and my mind is caught in a swirl of thoughts. I can't stop listening to those words he said to me: "I love you...", "It will always be you...", and about how he never felt the same way about anyone else again. Those phrases spin in my head like a relentless echo, repeating itself over and over again, like a painful reminder that drags me into an abyss of memories and emotions. Sadness and confusion intertwine, making every restless moment feel like an eternity.

The theory that is confirmed in my mind is heartbreaking: when a man truly loves a woman, there may be others in his life, but the love he feels for her remains intact, immune to the passage of time. Now, I find myself facing a new fear, one that threatens to ruin any future relationship I try to build. 

I keep tossing and turning on the bed, unable to find a comfortable position. The memories of our days together overflow in my mind with every twist and turn. I remember how we used to cuddle on the couch while watching movies. The truth is that we rarely managed to see them complete; we lost ourselves in caresses, laughter and kisses. Our connection was so intense, so passionate. Maybe it was youth, but now, seeing him again, I feel that the same sexual tension is as alive as before, as if time had never passed.

I decide to stop torturing myself with these thoughts and I grab my phone in the hope of finding some peace. I open a meditation in a desperate attempt to fall asleep, but just before I start the audio, a message from him lights up the screen. 

 —I had a great time today. I already want to see you again. I can't sleep, I wish you were here with me. 

At least I'm not the only one who is awake, I console myself. However, I know that answering him could trigger a conversation that lasts until dawn, and I am not willing to sacrifice my peace of mind and my sleep. I decide not to answer, turn on the meditation and settle into bed, hoping that the soft murmur of the audio will lull me and lead me to the calm that I long for so much.

The alarm goes off and I wake up feeling completely shattered, like I've only had a few hours of sleep. I had anticipated it, but that didn't make it any easier to bear. With a mixture of desperation and exhaustion, I crawl to the mirror and I am paralyzed when I see the deep dark circles that mark my face. Normally, I don't put on too much makeup to go to work, but today I'm going to need an exaggerated amount of concealer to try to hide these traces of tiredness. 

I rush to get ready, trying not to waste another minute. As I leave the house, the weight of guilt hits me when I realize that I still haven't answered the message he sent me. With a racing heart, I decide to write to her quickly, explaining that I was already fast asleep when she sent me the message and telling her that I also really enjoyed the time we shared.

I arrive at the office and I see Sarah waiting for me, settled in the chair in front of my desk.

—You're getting used to waiting for me here, huh?—. I said with a tired smile.

—If I don't come to you, you'd never tell me anything. Come on, talk—. She answered me, with an expectant look.I dropped into the chair with a deep sigh, tilting my head back. I felt exhausted, I had hardly slept and I couldn't stop thinking about him.

—I don't know, Sarah. He told me yesterday that he had never felt the same love or passion for anyone again and that he still loves me. I tried not to show it, but he told me clearly. Then we talked about other things and we agreed to go to dinner on Saturday...

—Wait... What did he tell you? — Sarah interrupted me, with a worried tone. —But what is he trying to do?

—I'm wondering the same thing.— I admitted, rubbing my temples. —I don't know what to do. I know that if I see him again, I will be reopening a door that I thought was closed, but clearly it's not. I feel everything as the first time, and even more intense.