I'm sorry that I can't just say what I mean. I know it's stupid that I won't tell you. You're my best friends for God's sake. I just don't know how to say it. So I'll write it.
It hurts when I see you guys so happy. It hurts so so much. Because most of the time, I'm not happy. And I don't even know why. So when I see you guys so happy, I feel like I'm supposed to be happy too. So I say that I'm fine. Even when you can tell that something's bothering me, I just say that I'm fine because I don't know what I'm supposed to do. So I wait until I'm alone, and I cry and cry and cry. And then I don't tell you guys, even though I'm supposed to.
It hurts when I see you with people you love. And I know I'm selfish for it. But I can't stand it. Whether it's holding your partner's hand, or talking about your crush. It just makes me so sad. Because I want that too. Because the one time I got that, it was all a fucking lie. And I see you with them, and It makes me feel like I'll just get left behind because now you have this amazing, healthy relationship and I know you don't need me anymore. I know it. I'm just a selfish bitch after all- so why wouldn't you just leave me?
It hurts when you smile at me or compliment me. Because I know it's just a lie. There isn't a single thing about me worth complimenting. It's all just lies lies lies lies lies. Because I'm selfish and ugly and stupid. No one compliments someone like that unless it's out of pity.
But I think it hurts the most when I have all these things cooped up, and all these fears and all this anxiety, and some of you don't even notice. I feel like I could be crying on the ground, sobbing and screaming, and you'd just look at me. And leave. Because you have more important things in your life. You have other people that are more important and more relevant than me. Not that I blame you. No one wants to sit around and constantly make sure that person isn't hurting themselves or depressed or some shit like that. So you know what I do? I say that I'm
Fine fine fine fine fine fine fine.
Because I am.
I swear I am.
Sorry.
