Am I worth it? //Hyunlix//

19

[Hyunjin]

I stretched my arms as I woke up slowly, turning to my side as I heard soft snores.

"How are you so pretty even while drooling?" I chuckled caressing Felix's cheek softly as I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him closer against my body.

I closed my eyes, enjoying his warm body against mine, until he started moving and pushed me away to stretch.

"Good morning sunshine" I said as I admired him.

"Good morning" He mumbled as he snuggled into my chest against.

"We have to get ready come on" I said.

"Ready for what?" He asked confused.

"We're on vacation with our friends baby, did you forget?" I chuckled.

"That's why I didn't recognise the room" He said sitting up.

We got up and did our skincare together, we brushed our teeth and went downstairs where we saw all our friends sitting at the dinner table and Chan setting down the food in front of them.

"Hey guys" I said sitting down next to Seungmin.

"Hey" Han said smirking.

"So...someone had fun last night" Jeongin said.

I smirked looking at Felix who was sitting in front of me, his face red as he looked down.

"Who?" I said obviously knowing what he was talking about.

"I don't know, you tell me" Jeongin said.

"Okay ew, can we not talk about that while eating? I don't need to remember anything" Changbin said. "Besides, you traumatised my baby" He pouted, looking over at Jeongin who was making a disgusted face.

"I'm no baby, not after what you did for valenti-" He was cut off by a pancake that was shoved into his mouth by a blushing Changbin.

"How about we keep that to ourselves yeah?" Changbin said.

We all laughed and continued to eat, but this time in silence.

I kept glancing at Felix since I noticed that he was eating breakfast awfully slow.

I tapped his leg under the table, making him look up at me.

I looked at his plate then at him again, and he understood immediately.

He flashed a quick smile and continued eating slowly.

We all finished eating so we were just talking at the table, but Felix still had a half full plate in front of him.

"Felix? Are you gonna finish that?" Seungmin asked him.

Felix glanced at all of us and shook his head as he smiled.

"I'm full thanks" He pushed the plate away from him and Chan took it to the kitchen.

I kept glancing at Felix while we all planned the day. He was zoning out and didn't participate much in the conversation, so I patted his leg under the table to get his attention. He looked up at me with a little smile on his lips.

"Are you okay?" I said in a whisper so only he could hear me.

He nodded, smiling, but there was something about that smile...it didn't look real, it wasn't like the smile he has had on his face this days, it wasn't a happy smile, more like a pained smile. That's when I knew he had depression. It all makes sense.

When he found out about his sister he didn't react much, he recovered quickly, he was happier after that, he was always smiling, but when he talked about his sister, he talked as if she was still alive, correcting himself sometimes, so maybe now he's realising that she's gone, forever.

Is it all just an assumption? Yes. I can't confirm that he actually has depression, but it's easy to tell. It's hard for him to get up everyday, he doesn't like to hang out anymore, and he even didn't want to go on vacation with our friends, but we went anyway because I knew he would regret it if we didn't go.

He needs a therapist, he needs to go to therapy, it's too much for him, he's so young but he's gone through so much. It breaks me.

I stand up, excusing myself as I go to the bathroom upstairs, locking the door behind me. I run a hand through my hair, sighing as I crouch down and sit on the cold floor.

"How can I help him...?" I whisper to myself.

I can't go through all the worries from when we started dating, it was too much. It broke me seeing him struggle so much, and I can't go through always paying attention to him to know if he's relapsed, if he's having suicidal thoughts, if he's eating okay, I couldn't even leave him alone because I got so worried. How can I avoid all that? How can I make him happy? It's too much.

My eyes get watery as I think about those times. I sigh shakily, covering my face with my hands as I lean my back on the door. I feel something in my stomach, something heavy and nervous, like a huge knot. Is it stress? Is it worrisome? What is this feeling? I'm never like this, I'm never stressed and I never worry. I don't like this feeling.

I let silent tears run down my cheeks as I tangle my hands in my hair. I cry silently, letting the stress out, my head hurting as I think nonstop.

Is this how anxiety feels?

My body starts shaking slightly as I start having trouble breathing, panting softly as I try to breathe normally, laying my head back against the door as more tears run down my face.

I hate this feeling.

_________

I'm sorry it's shorter that usual, but I literally rewrote this like 6 times, so after a lot of editing, here's the 19th chapter <3