Dark and light: The Shadows

Chapter 24

TW talks of body image, murder, and sexual assault.

"So," Ms. Song tapped her pen on her notebook. "When did you start to remember all this?"

"After the accident in Brazil." I wrung my hands a bit, struggling to look her in the eyes. "It came back to me piece by piece. Abosk provided the opportunity this weekend to talk about it."

"And the part that's always been in your memory. How does that make you feel?"

"About what I did to him?" I looked at her nose and saw her nod, "If you're asking me if I regret anything, I don't. He used me, and I just wanted him to know what it felt like."

She nodded and wrote something else down. 

"Did any police interview you?" Her concern began to show in her eyes.

"Only in Brazil for that accident, we were in." I shook my feet.

"How did you feel... seeing that happen to the young lady?" She furrowed her brows.

"I," I stopped fidgeting as it replayed in my mind. "I'm sorry she died. But I did warn them. The Bruja woman had warned me before we encountered them. But I just thought the crack blended in with the rock impact was sickening... I've nearly entered the afterlife many times. I'm not phased by death easily." Plus, I've had a dream of something similar, but vaguely.

"What if it was, Anya?" She cocked her head to the left, very slightly.

"I can't let that happen to her." I shook my head. "She doesn't deserve that."

"Did Sofia deserve that then?" 

"Are you... no. I don't think so. But what could I have done?" I furrowed my brows. "Do you think I'm a psycho or something??"

"I'm not. I'm trying to figure your mind out. It's changed so much since I've known you..." She shook her head, tapping her pen on her clipboard again. "Have you ever had urges to kill? Just at random?"

"No." I was not open to that question.

"Is it to a targeted group?" She furrowed her brows slightly.

"Only those who harm me and I get... vengeful. I don't wanna call it blind rage because I put a lot of effort into..." I couldn't find the right word and began to look around the room. "It just feels right to 'return the favour'."

She had this conflicted look when she finally locked eyes with mine.

"Have you or did you still self-harm?"

"Yeah. When I remember his face or see someone that kinda looks like him. Less now than a few months ago." I wondered why I couldn't remember what happened for a while. "Why didn't I recall that for a while?"

"Well... what you had is this combination of localized amnesia and of selective. I see the localized still in what you said you could recall in the traumatic teen years. And both for the December 23rd incident. How are you doing on that? Have you drunk anything since?"

"No. That was awful by all the Gods," I got a chuckle from her. "I was reckless. I'm still confused about the morning. There was a certain body fluid and blood. It was like my body was causing my menstruation to come down weirdly. But it's been irregular and weird before?"

She looked up, more worried.

"Before you ask, I didn't hook up with anyone. I don't even like guys anymore. Not in that manner." I shuddered at the thought of that.

"Was anyone else in your room?" 

"Just Jean." I recounted a few hours after she left to her. It felt like I'd told this story ten times already when I knew it was way less. When I was done explaining, she looked sorrowful. "She told me that we needed to talk about that night. We haven't met up as yet, though. I kinda want to wait till summer, I've been having decent weeks lately. It's just gonna be a few more weeks."