Dark and light: The Shadows

Chapter 8

A rap of a knock on the bathroom door made me realize I was still leaning against it.

"B, tenho usar, tudo bem? Como estão?"

I squeezed my eyes tightly and slapped my forehead for forgetting she was in the dorm room. I nodded to myself as I mentally changed my affirmations and kept my head down. Then I stepped out.

"Oh, menina, your face is red. Were you crying??" Her voice brought out the concern I could look in her eyes to see.

"No," I nervously laughed. "No. Tudo bem. I'm sorry. I'm good," I nodded and headed over to my books.

I began to go through my shelf for a made-up book till I felt her not staring at me till the bathroom door shut.

I took a seat and held my head in my hands. I wasn't crying. I was having headaches. I was spacing out every so often. I was just academically stressed. The test and project results were posted ten minutes ago, and that's as long as I've been avoiding opening the computer. I had anxiety over probably nothing since I did more than enough research, but I still had a lingering fear. Some teachers want their stuff a very specific way, and it's like the moment you say a synonym to the words they introduced you to, points are deducted. It drives me mad. It also reminded me to put castor oil in my hair.

I attended to that at the same time that Deven stepped out of the bathroom. I never noticed she had her gym clothes on. Honestly, the gym should help me right now.

"Hey, um, you're going to the gym?" I looked her in the eyes this time.

"Yeah? Burn some stress off. Do you wanna come?" She smiled

"Yeah. I need to de-escalate, too. I think I can go in these same clothes, I don't wanna keep us back." I got my personal stuff to take with me, and I guided her to the floor.

As we arrived, she asked me to help her in looking for the stair machine. I'm not sure she should, but maybe she only does a little of it, or we take the elevator back up. Which is her preference. It's me who loves taking all those stairs.

I told her softly that I'd be more at the front of the room. The stationary bike was available and I was more than happy to jump on it.

I put my phone in front of me and set my timer for 15 minutes. Then I watched some short lectures my teacher sent us via media links. They were as neuroscience-y as neuroscience can be. How the in-person lectures didn't set me to sleep was a mystery. Then again, it could just be that it makes you learn more about your brain.

The second lecture finished with the timer, and I stared at it, slowing my cycling. I should do another fifteen minutes. But slower. If I went any faster, I'd collapse on the second staircase, going up to my room.

There were so many nitty-gritty details in general neuroscience that we barely acknowledge in our day-to-day lives. And that's a part of the problem for some people. Including me. Ignoring some of it could be as detrimental as a spiritual person brushing off their intuition. Back to those details, though, I lost a few marks on a test for missing them and not knowing how to answer the damn question. I sighed and reset my timer after it rang. Then, rewind the lecture a few minutes back. I preferred cardio exercises anyway. My heart needed it.

I sat up from my last position on the bike and began to register how my legs felt.
I slowly got off the bike and went to the bench to wait for Deven. We locked eyes as I sat, and she signalled she'd be done in fifteen. I gave a thumbs-up and rested my head against the wall. Breathe in, and out. In, out. I had to calm myself down before I took myself to weigh in. Last time, things didn't look too shabby. I don't think heartbeat plays a role in weighing in, but I was trying to be safe rather than sorry.