𝙏𝙍𝙀𝙀𝙎 || 𝗝𝗼𝘀𝗵𝗹𝗲𝗿

4 - Starting Over

Tuesday, September 21st:

Tyler spent a lot of his time staring at Josh's contact in his phone. He spent the time daydreaming about what it would be like if he just spilled his guts to the other boy, admitting everything he felt and praying that Josh was receptive. Of course, he was far too timid to do that.

Actually, he had started to notice something, though he didn't know if he was just being paranoid or not: he got the sense that Josh really didn't like him all that much. Apart from their moment the week prior when Josh stared at him and smiled at him, Josh really didn't speak to him much, and when he did it was stiff. Tyler didn't know if he was imagining it or not, seeing as he was hyperfocused on every move Josh made to the point that he would sometimes start to make stuff up in his head, but he hoped he was wrong.

It started much like the week prior: Tyler opened the door for Josh and greeted him, having been waiting anxiously on the other side for him to show up. He gave him nervous glances, although he was starting to get more confident. More comfortable. In the past few days, whenever he'd seen Josh in the hallway, he'd give him a little smile. One the older boy would either not acknowledge or fail to return. That didn't help Tyler's suspicions that Josh didn't like him.

He led Josh to the backyard again, hoping that he wouldn't look around and question why there were no family photos anywhere, or why nobody else was home. He didn't feel quite comfortable enough to explain that yet.

They approached their tree in silence. Tyler watched Josh as he gave it a skeptical look. Not wanting the other boy to notice him staring, though, he looked away and forced his attention onto the little tree.

"I hope it survives," Tyler muttered, speaking the first words between them that day besides the quick "hello."

"Me too, seeing as this'll be our final," Josh pointed out. "What do we even do if it dies? Get a new one?"

"I guess so," Tyler replied with a shrug, although he was back to staring at Josh. He cleared his throat a little as he reminded himself to look away. At the noise, Josh looked over at him, and Tyler could feel the other's eyes on him, feeling as though they were burning into him. He blushed.

"Anyway." Tyler held in his hands a tape measure and a notebook, a pen clipped to the side of it. "We should probably track the height."

"Right," Josh said, taking his eyes off of Tyler. The younger boy felt relieved as he did so; as though pressure had lifted off of him. When Josh looked at him, each breath he took had to be perfectly calculated, each step deliberate and precise, or else he felt like he'd just look like a bumbling idiot to the other boy.

Of course, he was starting to suspect that, no matter what he did, Josh would always see him negatively.

Tyler kneeled in the dirt, ignoring how the slight, cold dampness of the grass seeped in through his jeans at the knees. He held the bottom of the tape measure, and Josh pulled it up, measuring the tree.

"Okay, it's about forty and a half inches," he reported, and Tyler carefully wrote the words into his notebook, having been keeping a chart. It hadn't grown much from the week before, which was to be expected; their teacher said that it would begin growing more rapidly as time went on.

Silence fell over them as Tyler wrote, and Josh cleared his throat awkwardly. "Uh, I'm sorry I didn't stick around last week to measure," he apologized. "It kind of slipped my mind."

Tyler knew that Josh had been eager to leave the week before, and he couldn't blame him. Tyler knew he was being terribly awkward at that moment.

"It's okay!" he assured Josh, looking up at the other boy, who was looking down at him quizzically, like he was trying to study Tyler's every move. The look made Tyler suddenly very aware of his position on the ground, and he stood up so that he and Josh were actually eye-to-eye. "I did it fine by myself."

Josh just nodded, looking away from Tyler. The younger boy suppressed a sigh, knowing Josh felt uncomfortable once again.

"Well, if that's all, I think I'm gonna go."

Tyler gave a slight nod, disappointment pouring into him. Their relationship was so strained, and he was pointedly aware of how Josh seemed so closed off around him. He knew that he probably appeared the same way, but his reasoning was different, and he knew it. He was well aware that Josh was closed off because he disliked him.

"Actually, wait," Tyler spoke up, making Josh stop in his tracks once he was halfway to the gate. "There was something I wanted to talk to you about."

"What?" Josh questioned, his voice almost coming out harshly, making Tyler flinch a little. His heart ached at the thought that Josh hated him. Nerves also clawed at his stomach as he mentally planned out what he was going to say, and he wrung his clammy hands in front of him, fidgeting nervously.

He took a deep breath, pushing the doubts from his mind as Josh turned to face him once again. "I wanted to say that I know you don't like me very much."

"I-"

"Please don't deny it. We both know it's true," Tyler muttered, cutting Josh off. He felt his heart hammering in his chest. "But, I want to try and be friends with you. I really do. So will you let us start over and give me a chance?"

Josh looked at him, expression unreadable for a moment. Tyler was nervous he had said something wrong and Josh would just hate him more. He could hear his heartbeat in his ears, feeling it pound in his head. He wrung his hands more aggressively, telling himself to stop but not finding it in himself to do so. But then Josh's gaze softened, and he felt his knees go weak.

"Sure," he agreed, however hesitantly. Still, relief washed over Tyler, and he gave the other a small smile.

"Thanks."

"Of course. And Tyler?" Josh spoke, making Tyler look over at him after his gaze had been averted down to his shoes bashfully. Tyler didn't think he'd ever heard Josh say his name before. It made his heart flutter. "I'm sorry if I've been rude or something. You didn't do anything wrong."

Tyler smiled once again, feeling his cheeks heat up. "It's alright. All water under the bridge now."

Josh returned his smile for once before turning to leave, leaving Tyler standing there, staring after him with a warm feeling in his chest. He was glad he brought it up, despite having been so nervous to do so. He felt optimistic about the next three months.