In the midst of the crowd, all I see is you

CHAPTER 29

AIAH

Over the past months, apart from Jeremy, no one else knew how much I was hurting. If Mikha is hurting right now, imagine what I'm feeling knowing that it was me who caused her that misery.

Every time I see her so down, I want to hold her in my arms. Every time I see her cry, I want to wipe and dry her tears. Every time I see her starving herself, I want to scold her. Every time I hear that she is drowning herself in alcohol again, I want to reprimand her.

But how can I do all that if I am the reason why she is hurting? Where is my right to feel hurt when in the first place, it was me who made this decision for the both of us? Or do I still have the right to be hurt?

"Jeremy, I can't do this anymore. I can't bear the pain I'm feeling. It breaks my heart to see her hurting." I cried on his shoulder.

"Cry as much as you can and let it all out. Everything will be okay. For now, let yourself be hurt until you heal from the things that hurt you." He said.

Why do others often think that the only ones who are hurt are the ones being left behind? Isn't the pain twice as bad for the person who truly loved but had no other choice but to leave?

Because apart from the pain caused by your separation, you will also be consumed by your conscience for the rest of your life knowing that you hurt the person who did nothing but love and appreciate you.

Today, we'll be guesting on the GKY Podcast on Spotify entitled, "How to be the always chosen with 8-ternity."

In the middle of the podcast, they explained to us the mechanics and that was to give a piece of advice to the sender. The hosts then read a scenario from online comments.

"I've been into many relationships that didn't last long. Well, some of my past lovers, we ended up on good terms though. The thing is, I wonder what did I do wrong because I always end up being their second option." The host read one of the comments.

I think fate is playing with me. It's like a deja vu. The only difference is that I will never make her my second choice nor will I hurt her intentionally. No matter what happens, she will always be my priority and I'm willing to give up everything I have just to keep her happy.

"You just haven't found the one yet," Mikha answered.

But I did, Mikha. I did find you.

It was a good thing that I was seated at the back so she didn't see my reaction.

How my shoulders went down and how my smile faltered with the thought that maybe, she was thinking that I was not the one for her.

When it was my turn, I swallowed the invisible lump in my throat and tried to fight back my tears before answering.

"Sometimes it's better to be friends so you can keep them forever than be lovers," I said.

Then I smiled to cover the pain I was feeling. I feel like I'm drowning in the words I said. I took a deep breath because I felt like I was running out of air. Damn it, why does breathing suddenly get harder? My chest tightened, it hurt.

When our shoot was finally done, I rushed out of the room. I didn't even get to say goodbye to them. All I want is to get away from this place where I can see the pain in her eyes. I can't, it breaks my heart to see her being hurt. It only doubled the pain I was feeling.

When I saw Jeremy, I immediately hugged him and the tears I had been holding back fell completely.

"Please, take me anywhere. Anywhere where I can breathe. Anywhere where I won't feel this pain. It's suffocating me."

This is exactly what happens every time Jeremy and I meet. I kept crying and complaining to him like a child. I feel like I've been deprived of something I really want. And that is for Mikha and I to be free to love each other.

He didn't answer but I could feel his sympathy. He planted a soft kiss on my head. Silently saying that he was there for me.

I was surprised when I heard Mikha's name from Jeremy.

"Hi, Mikha. Are you going home now?" He said.

I stiffened from Jeremy's embrace.

Shit, of all the times she can see us together, why the hell in this kind of situation?

"H-hello, J-jeremy. Y-yes, I'll be heading home now. It was nice to see you. Anyway, I got to go. Bye, guys!" She said and quickly left.

I want to chase her. I want to explain to her. I want to say that whatever she thinks is wrong and not true.

But before I could even step towards her, I felt Jeremy's grip on my hand.

"Don't, Aiah. You will only hurt her more when you do that. It will only make it harder for her to move on from you."

"That's the thing, Jeremy. I don't want her to forget about me. I can't."

"You will only be unfair to her Aiah. Let her go for now. Give her space first and who knows, maybe in the end you two are really meant for each other."

"What if she found someone new?" My voice was tinged with fear.

Because no matter how I tried to say that it's fine for me to be her friend just to keep her in my life, I know I'm just fooling myself.

I'll never get over her, getting over me. No, never.

I didn't go out with Jeremy after that. I decided to just go home to the condo.

I used to not understand what was in alcohol and why they seemed to like it so much until I was the one who was drinking it. I realized that it's not because of its taste, but because of the comfort it provides.

I'll let myself drown in alcohol before the pain I feel swallows me up.

Somehow, even for a moment, I want to forget.

Lord, I am begging you. Give her back to me. I want nothing but her. Let us be happy. Because I can't do it anymore. Your Princess can't take it anymore. I don't know how long I will be able to avoid and stay away from her. So please, give her back to me.

One, two, three, I lost count on how many bottles I drank. I don't even remember how I managed to get to my room.

Damn it, I'm so good at being broken.

I've grown accustomed to just getting by day by day. I know the feeling of pain deep in my chest all too well.

The sad part is, there's nothing I can do now that my heart is breaking and damn, I'm missing her.