In the midst of the crowd, all I see is you

CHAPTER 31

AIAH

The pain is really different, especially when it comes directly from her words. For real, the agony gnaws at my whole being because I can't deny that I hurt her, but for her to tell me herself how painful what I did, breaking my heart was an understatement.

"I'm sorry, Mikha." That was all I could say.

"I'm sorry? Don't you think I deserve to know the truth at least? You're being so unfair, Aiah. You promised me that nothing would change between us. That you wouldn't change. But it seems like promises are meant to be broken. You've shattered me, Aiah. I hope you realize how much this has hurt me, how much pain it has caused. I keep questioning if I deserve all of this. Do I deserve to feel this way? Am I not deserving of love? Am I easy to walk away from? I did everything I could and gave my all to the point where I don't even recognize myself anymore. Again, do I deserve this agony? I was barely existing, Aiah. My days felt like a never-ending cycle. I had to wake up every morning and continue doing what people expected of me. I reached a point where I wondered if life would still be worth living without you in it. It took immense strength for me to stand by you while feeling like I was drowning in the emptiness in my heart. A part of me died when you chose to leave me, Aiah," She paused.

The weight of each of her words buried like a knife into my heart.

"You don't know how many times I tried to hold back my tears. How many sleepless nights have I had? Not a day goes by that I don't message you, Aiah. Until one day, I got tired of waiting for you to reply. So, I stopped. I accepted the fact that maybe, you and I aren't meant to be. Maybe, I wouldn't get a chance to hear your explanations because this was nothing to you. I am nothing to you. I tried to find any reasons why you suddenly changed. Why did you leave me behind? But then, I stopped pondering for answers. I realized that every detail you made back then is actually the answer." She gasp for some air. This time, a tear fell from her eyes.

I want to hug her and tell her that I never left. That my love for her has not changed. Because even though we are apart, she still occupies my mind and holds my heart.

"So please, tell me how I can recover from this pain or will I ever move on from you? Because I really don't know either. I don't know where to start again. I don't know anymore, Aiah. I'm not sure about everything anymore because of all of this, we dreamed all of this together but now, I need to face everything on my own because you left me. It's hard Aiah, very hard. Everywhere I go, I still feel your presence. Everything I do, I still remember you." Her voice was breaking, clearly showing how aching she was.

I felt something stuck in my throat. I'm lost for words. For a moment, silence enveloped us.

Never in my life I hate the silence more than this moment.

I want to say that she is not the only one who is hurt. But do I even have the right to complain when I am the cause of all this?

It's unfair to her, but what about me? Just because I'm the one who left doesn't mean I'm any less of hurting.

"I'm tired of our push-and-pull relationship. A convenient love. You'll love me when you feel like doing so. But when the situation gets hard, you'll drop me." She finally broke the silence.

"I wish I could unlearn you. Unlearn to love you so that I wouldn't feel this pain." Her gaze was piercing to my soul.

That's it! I fucking can't take it anymore.

"Tell me you didn't say those words, Mikha. Tell me you didn't mean it." I pleaded.

"You say I'm unfair? What about the pain I feel? Do you think I like everything that is happening now? No Mikha, because you know nothing." I laughed but my voice was tinged with pain.

"Then was it my fault if you didn't trust me enough to fight with you?"

"No, I didn't mean it like that. If anything, it was entirely my fault for loving you this much." I gave her a smile that I'm sure, didn't reach my eyes.

Little by little, the tears that I had been holding back were starting to fall.

"I fucking love you, Mikha Lim. I fucking love you so much that it hurts me to know that I can't do anything about it," I said to her as I cried my eyes out.

I love her so much, but thinking about our management, our members, and most especially our fans made me think twice. 

"If you will just let me, Aiah, I will do anything in my power to fight for us," She answered as her eyes showed how determined she was to tell the world how much I mean to her.
 

Hearing her say those words really melts my heart. Somehow, it gave me hope that we could be together. We can freely love each other without being judged. Without having to think about what other people say. 

"I don't know, Mikha. I don't want to let others down. There are many people who will be affected if we continue this. So, I'm sorry, I can't, Mikha. I can't."

I know I'm being a coward right now. How I wish that I'd be like her, brave enough to voice out my feelings. But then again, I don't want to be selfish. We're just starting to get known in the industry. A dream that we all prayed for and worked hard for.

She smiled at me. A smile that didn't reach her eyes was telling me that she understood me.

"It's okay, Aiah. I respect your decision if that's what you want. But, can I have one last favor from you?"
 

"What is it, Mikha? Anything for you?" I smiled back at her, as I was willing to do anything to relieve the pain she's feeling. 

"Please let me," A long paused as if she were battling for words to say.

"Let you what, Mikha?" 

"Please let me move on from this pain, Aiah. Let me move on from you. I promise you, I'll still be the same Mikha for you as before. But please, just this time, let me heal my heart first. I will keep my distance from you for a while, but please know that I will always be here for you."

I froze on my track. I didn't know what to do. My smile faded as I grappled with the words she said. I don't know how long I stare into her eyes as if I'm begging her to stay, but the words just won't come out of my mouth.

She walked toward me and hugged me. She put a strand of my hair in my ear, as it was blocking half of my face. She then gently traced my face, kissing my forehead for a long time before it went down to my nose. And finally, she kissed the side of my lips. 

"I hope when the time is right and the stars align for us, we could be together. We could have an us amid this crowd, in the midst of all this chaos."

For the last time, she smiled at me before turning her back and starting to walk away from me.