Shirtsleeve

Chapter 8

"No, Niall. You need to get home yourself. I have no idea how bad this storm will be in 30 minutes."

"Okay fine." he finally gives in. I've been trying for almost 10 minutes to convince him about getting home instead of bringing me home first.

"I just don't want you to be outside a lot during this weather. I don't want anything bad happen to you. I'll call you later, okay?"

"Sure, have a save way home." Niall says and kisses me softly as goodbye.

"You too." I turn around, and walk to the bus stop. Gladly the bus arrives by the time I reach the stop and I get in. Besides me there are 3 other people. A guy who is listening to music with his beats, an old lady and a man who must be her husband. The married couple is talking about this weather. I just stare out of the window until we reach the stop where I have to get out. Now I only have to walk 2 minutes and then I will be home. I'm completely in my thoughts, my mind drifting off to the bad thoughts.

I walk through the front door of mine and Louis' home. I feel like my lungs don't breathe in enough air. I turn the key in the lock and put the key into the bowl on the small table next to the door. I head for the kitchen where I get a glass filled with water. I drink it and a few minutes later I feel a lot better. This has already happened to me before so I gladly knew what to do.

I get changed into a comfortable sweater from my brother and my coke jogging pants. I hop into bed and watch some tv. Suits is currently on. I love this tv show, it's honestly amazing. Mike Ross is just awesome. I like Harvey too, but Mike is cooler I think. Even though I'm not even tired, I fall asleep very quickly.

"You're worthless. I have no idea why I ever liked you." he says.

"Stop it please." I beg.

"It's your own fault. It's your own fault that you're feeling constantly bad. Why don't you just kill yourself."

I wake up, feeling my heart race. What the hell did I dream... I feel the emptiness in my heart and walk into the kitchen. I open the fridge and take out a bottle of soda. I pour a bit into my glass and take it with me into the living room. When I look at the clock it says 3:25 am. I feel like I can't sleep right now so I sit down on the sofa and take my laptop. I log in on Facebook and check what everyone's been up to lately. I see a picture of Louis and Tanja on the beach in Australia. She posted it. They look amazing. They're couple goals. I like the picture and keep scrolling. All those happy people and I can't manage to be one of them. It's frustrating me.

Don't I deserve to be happy too? Why me? What have I done to be sad. I don't want to be sad 99% of the time. I want to enjoy life just like everybody else does. I swap from Facebook to Twitter and read some of my mentions. I'm not surprised with what I'm reading but not very pleased either. Mostly it's about me hanging out with Niall a lot lately. People seem to make up things. Like, that I'm fucking him for attention and shit like that. Each sentence feels like a stab in the heart. I wonder if they know what it feels like to recieve such messages.

I see some tweets which say that I should kill myself and in that particular moment it makes sense to me. It makes sense to kill myself. I mean look at the whole situation. I wonder if anyone would care if I was gone. Maybe a few people of my family.

I get off the sofa and walk into the bathroom. I stare at the reflection in the mirror. My brown hair is messy, my eyes look already lifeless. My usually bright and deep blue eyes. They're the deepest shade of blue I've ever seen. I once got told. My skin is pale, more than usual. Is this what it would look like to be dead? I let out a sigh.

You win. I tweet with my phone and look for some sleeping pills. There are seven in a package and I take them all out, putting them into my hand. It's simple yet so difficult. All those times I've imagined my death, I thought it would be different. Once I imagined jumping off a skyscraper. Another time I was thinking about the pros of hanging myself or poisoning myself. Poison wouldn't have been a very good idea though.

My phone buzzes and I look at the caller ID. It's James. I pick up immediately.

"Hello James, how are you?" I say trying not to let my voice sound shaky.

"I'm very well, thank you. There is something I need to tell you. Please don't ever bother on talking or texting me again. You've changed, my girlfriend always told me to be careful around you because you're not who you seem to be. She is right. You are an awful person with an ugly character. Fucking your brother's best mate for media attention? Seriously Victoria? I thought I knew you. Well, at least I now know that I don't ever wanna talk to you again, good bye." Then he hangs up.

What the hell was that? I am speechless and accidentally let my phone drop to the floor. The screen cracks and I think the whole phone is broken. I feel numb and walk into the kitchen, holding on to the pills tightly. I can't process what just happened. My fists are clenched so tightly that my fingernails dig into my skin.

All of a sudden the front door is being pushed open and 3 guys run into all directions. When one of them is in front of me I let the pills drop in shock. Then, I realize who it is. Liam is standing there looking at me with widened eyes.

"She's here! Come over!" he shouts and then I see Harry and Niall. All three of them look worried as hell. Harry looks at the floor and spots the pills.

"Did you already take any?" he asks me and I shake my head. All of them sigh in relief and group hug me.

"You shouldn't have come over." I say silently, my eyes starting to be filled with tears.

"Yes we should have. We can't let Louis lose his little sister. You have to know, he is really worried about you. You should probably call him." Liam says and I nod.

"My phone just broke though, can i lend one of yours?" I ask. My voice is shaky. Niall hands me his phone and I dial Louis' number. He immediately picks up.

"Hey! What happened?"

"I can't talk about it right now, I can't even believe that it happened." I reply.

"Oh, it's you Victoria, I've talked to Mum and told her about your condition, you're going to move back to Doncaster when the tour starts. You clearly shouldn't be alone."