"I'm sorry for being so drunk yesterday." I say while laying on Niall's sofa, covered in a warm blanket.
"Don't be, it happens. In fact, whenever a tour ends I'm ten times worse than you yesterday." Niall is currently making waffles for breakfast. Hmmmmm, waffles.
"But still, I feel so embarrassed. I don't really understand why though. Shit like this happens. Probably I feel like that because I've basically fucked up everything lately. Speaking about it, I should check my e-mails. Maybe Cybersmile Foundation has replied to me. Do you know where my phone is?"
"In the bedroom, when I got up today I thought I'd plug the charger in." Niall says, and shows me a smile. I thank him and get my phone. It's charged on 90% so I plug it off and take it with me to the living room. I make myself comfortable on the sofa again.
Dear Victoria,
we, the Cybersmile Foundation would love to have you in our team. We think you could really help us making a change, and to help people stay positive. There are loads of people in this world who look up to you, so if you still want to, we'd welcome you here.
Cybersmile HQ
"Yes!!!!" I yell.
"Congratulations love. It will be good for you. I am honestly happy it worked out."
-------------------
Months later, the boys are still on tour. I feel lonely. I'm back in Doncaster, so I'm with my family, but I still feel lonely. Probably more empty than lonely. It's something that happens. I'm seeing a psychiatrist regularly, but I feel like she doesn't quite understand me. As a matter of fact, nobody understands. Niall calls me regularly, to make sure I'm okay. It isn't the same though.
I roll up my shirtsleeve once again. So many new thin lines. Drawings, as I would refer to them. It sounds nicer. They still hurt from last night. I'm sitting on floor in my room, the door is locked. I take my pair of scissors and cut into my skin once again.
One line.
Two lines.
Three lines.
Four lines.
Tears start to build up in my eyes. I throw the scissors away and roll down my shirtsleeve. It can't go on like this. I walk over to my desk. I get out a sheet of paper and a pen.
To everyone who I have disappointed once again,
I am sorry but I have to do this. I need to put an end to everything. I don't even know anymore for how long I have been unhappy. This has to stop. I hope that I am not disappointing you too much. I'm not asking you to understand my decision, as nobody ever understood what was going on with me. Not even the doctors I've seen.
However, I'm asking you to accept my decision, even though it is going to be difficult. Please be there for each other, just like everyone has always been there for me. I know that, trust me. I know, that all of you always wanted the best for me. I can't help myself with feeling empty and lonely though. It is a very weird feeling, I hope neither of you ever has to witness it.
Looking back at my life, I'm thankful for everything you have done for me. I honestly appreciate it, even if it might not seem like it as I'll be gone by tonight.
Please never forget that I love you all a lot.
By that point tears are all over the sheet of paper. I put the pen down and take my razor blade. I unlock the door and then get comfortable in my bed. I pull up both of my shirtsleeves. I cut deeply into both of my wrists. It hurts a lot, so I start to cry. Blood is coming out of the wounds and I lay back. The razor blade falls to the ground.
"Honey, look who's here to see you!" I hear Mum shouting from downstairs. Shortly afterwards the door to my room is being opened. My brother screams.
"Ambulance! Call an ambulance!" he yells running towards my bed. I can barely keep my eyes open anymore. "Stay awake sweetheart, please!" He ripps his shirt and wraps each part tightly around my wrists, to stop the blood from coming out. By now he is crying. I hear the sirens and the next moment paramedics are here trying to help me, but I'm too weak.
"I love you." Is the last thing I manage to whisper, even more quiet than a whisper. And then I close my eyes.
I knew this would happen someday.
I knew that I would drown.
-------------------------------
AN: Hello, so I know, this is short, but it is also the ending and I didn't want to write a super long, but even more crappy ending. this has to be enough. I'm sorry for making this story so short, but I kind of ran out of ideas. I hope you enjoyed reading it though, it was a pleasure to write. lots of love, victoria. x
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Shirtsleeve
FanfictionI was the captain of the sinking boat, drowning in sadness. I let the demons pull me down even further, until someone held out a helping hand. This person was my brother, Louis. Although he wanted to keep me happy forever, it was impossible for him...
