Recollection

fifteen | baby

Flesh x Blood - David Kushner

I stared at the little plastic stick in my hand, my heart pounding so loudly that I could hear it in my ears. My fingers trembled as I gripped the test, my thumb rubbing against the smooth surface as if that would ground me somehow, as if I could prepare myself for what I was about to see.

I hadn't checked the result yet. I couldn't. My breath caught in my throat, tight and ragged. It felt like the entire world had been suspended in this single moment. If I looked, everything could change. If I didn't, I could hold on to the thin thread of denial for just a little longer.

But something in me already knew. I'd felt it in the pit of my stomach for days now, weeks even. But I had ignored it, blamed it on the stress, the grief, the constant ache that had wrapped itself around my heart since July. Since Lia's death.

God, Lia...

I shut my eyes, trying to keep her face from flooding my thoughts, but it was no use. I could still see her so clearly, laughing, her brown hair whipping in the wind as she ran in the backyard with Levi, Diablo, and Nova. Now, that was all I had left of her—memories that felt too far away and too close all at once. It had only been three months, but it felt like a lifetime without her.

How could she be gone? She was too young, too vibrant. And it wasn't fair. The accident, that awful, senseless accident had ripped her away from us. It had ripped Asa apart, too. when Lia died, so did a part of him. He was gone—shut down, angry at the world. And me? I didn't even know how to reach him anymore.

When Asa left for New York in August, I couldn't blame him. He needed space, needed to get away from the memories that haunted us both. But I missed him. God, I missed him so much. And now... now this?

I opened my eyes again, forcing myself to look at the test.

Two lines. Two vibrant pink lines.

Pregnant.

My hand flew to my mouth, a sob escaping before I could stop it. The small plastic stick dropped from my hands and clattered onto the bathroom floor. My knees gave out, and I sank down, back against the cold wall, wrapping my arms around myself. My chest felt tight like I couldn't breathe, like the air had been sucked out of the room.

I was pregnant. How could this even be possible? I'd been so careful—never missed a pill, not once. I took that thing religiously. My stomach churned, a sickening feeling rising inside me. That sickness I'd been feeling for weeks, I thought it was just the grief, the anxiety of losing Lia. I'd been throwing up ever since that day, barely able to keep anything down. I thought it was stress. Of course, it was stress. I'd lost my baby sister. Asa had left. The world was crumbling around me, and I thought my body was just reacting to all of it.

But that sickness... it was more than that. I hadn't even noticed how much time had passed, how long it had been since my last period. I had blamed that on the stress too, but that wasn't the truth, was it? The truth was inside me now, growing, changing everything.