The Wizard of Oz: Glee Edition

If I Only Had a Brain

The scene changes where Kurt and Toto walk down the yellow brick road next to the cornfield.

Kurt: (Confused) Follow the Yellow Brick Road? Follow the Yellow...? Now which way do we go?

Scarecrow: Pardon me! That way is a very nice way.

This is the Scarecrow he is hanging from the pole and he is pointing one direction.

Kurt: (Surprised) Who said that? (Toto barks at the scarecrow) Don't be silly, Toto. Scarecrows don't talk.

Scarecrow: It's pleasant down this way too.

He is pointing at another direction

Kurt: That's funny. Wasn't he pointing the other way?

Scarecrow: Of course, people do go both ways.

He is pointing two opposite directions.

Kurt: (Realizing, that the Scarecrow is more like Blaine, walking up to Scarecrow) Why, you did say something, didn't you? (Scarecrow shakes his head and nods) Are you doing that on purpose, or can't you make up your mind?

Scarecrow: That's the trouble. I can't make my mind. i haven't got a brain. Only straw.

Shows straw to Kurt

Kurt: How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?

Scarecrow: I don't know. Some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, don't they?

Kurt: Yes, I guess you're right. (Walks into the cornfield) Well, we haven't really met properly, have we?

Scarecrow: Why, no.

Kurt: (Curtsies) I'm Kurt Hummel. How do you do?

Scarecrow: I'm Scarecrow. How do you do?

Kurt: Very well, thank you.

Scarecrow: Oh, I'm not feeling at all well. You see, it's very tedious being stuck up here all day long with a pole up your back.

Kurt: (Concerned) Oh, dear. That must be terribly uncomfortable. Can't you get down?

Scarecrow: Down? No, you see, I'm well. I'm...

Kurt: Oh, well, here. Let me help you.

He helps Scarecrow.

Scarecrow: (Grateful) Oh, that's very kind of you. Very kind.

Kurt: Well, Oh dear, I don't quite see how I...

Scarecrow: Of course, I'm not bright about doing things but if you just bend the nail down in the back, maybe I'll slip off and-

Kurt: (Bends the nail) Oh yes!

Scarecrow: (Falls and lands on the ground) Whoops! (Chuckling) There goes some of me again!

Kurt: (Worried) Are you okay? Does it hurt you?

Scarecrow: (Stuffs the straw back into himself) Oh, no. I just keep picking it up and putting it back in again. (Chuckling, Happily) My! It's good to be free! (Falls over to the ground and Kurt exclaimed) Did I scare you?

Kurt: No, no. I just thought you hurt yourself.

Scarecrow: But I didn't scare you?

Kurt: No, of course not.

Scarecrow: I didn't think so. (A crow lands on his shoulder) Boo! Scat! Boo! (The crow pecks the straw from his collar and flies) You see? I can't even scare a crow. They come from miles around just to eat in my field and laugh at my face. (Sadly) Oh, I'm a failure, because, I haven't got a brain!

The crows laugh.

Crows: (songs) Said a scarecrow swinging on a pole
To some blackbirds sittin' on a fence

Scarecrow: (singing) Oh, the lord gave me a soul
But, forgot to give me common sense
Said the blackbirds,

Crows: Well, well, well
What the thunder would you do with common sense?
Said the Scarecrow,

Scarecrow: Would be pleasin'
Just to reason out the reason
Of the wishes and the whyness and the whence
If I had an once of common sense

Crows: If he had an ounce of common sense

Kurt: Well, what would do with a brain if you had one?

Scarecrow: (speaking) Do? If I had a brain, I could- (singing) I could while away the hours
Conferin' with the flowers
Consultin' with the rain
And my head I'd be scratchin'
While my thoughts were busy hatchin'
If I only had a brain
I'd unravel every riddle
For every individual
In trouble or in pain

Kurt: (singing) With the thoughts you'd be thinkin'
You could be another Lincoln
If you only had a brain

Scarecrow: Oh I, could tell you why
The ocean's near the shore
I could think of things I never thought before
Then I'd sit, and think some more
I would not be just a nothin'
My head all full of stuffin'
My heart all full of pain
I would dance and by merry
Life would be a dingle derry
If I only had a brain (he started to dance around the cornfield.)
Oh, I could tell you why
The ocean's near the shore
I could think of things I never thought before
And then I'd sit, and think some more
Ya, it would be kind of pleasin'
To reason out the reason
For the things I can't explain
Then perhaps I'd deserve you
And be even worthy of you
I could dance and by merry
Life would be a dingle derry
If I only had a brain

He fell to the ground. Kurt comes to him and shakes his hand.

Kurt: Wonderful! (Puts the straw back in inside of Scarecrow) Why, if our scarecrow back in Lima could do that, the crows would be scared to pieces!

Scarecrow: They would?

Kurt: (Nodding) Mm-hmm.

Scarecrow: (Curiously) Where's Lima?

Kurt: That's where I live and I wanna get back there so badly, I'm going to the Emerald City to get the Wizard of Oz to help me.

Scarecrow: You're going to see a wizard?

Kurt: (Nodding) Mm-hmm.

Scarecrow: Do you think if I went, this wizard would give me brains?

Kurt: I couldn't say. But even if he didn't, you'd be no worse off than you are now.

Scarecrow: Yes, that's true.

kury: But maybe you better not. I've got a witch mad at me, and you might get into trouble.

Scarecrow: Witch? I'm not afraid of a witch! I'm not afraid of anything! Except a lighted match.

Kurt: I don't blame you for that.

Scarecrow: But I'd face a whole box of them for the chance of getting some brains. Look, I won't be any trouble, because I don't eat a thing. And I won't try to manage things, because I can't think. Won't you take me with you?

Kurt: Why, of course I will!

Scarecrow: (Gets up happily) Hooray! We're off to see a wizard!

Kurt: (Catches him) Oh, you're not starting out very well.

Scarecrow: Oh, I'll try! Really, I will.

Kurt: To Oz?

Scarecrow: To Oz!

Kurt and Scarecrow: (Singing together and skipping down the road) We're off to see the wizard
The wonderful wizard of Oz
We hear he is a whiz of a Wiz
If ever a Wiz there was
If ever, oh ever, a Wiz there was
The wizard of Oz is one because
Because, because, because, because, because
Because of the wonderful things he does
We're off to see the wizard
The wonderful wizard of Oz!

Kurt, Toto and Scarecrow walk down the road continuing the journey to the Emerald City.