A Safe Haven

10

"Nanay Bella, come visit me sometime too, I'll miss you, you should be here when I give birth." I tearfully told Nanay Bella because we drove her to the airport.

"Syempre naman! Hindi ako pwedeng mawala sa araw ng paglabas ng baby nyo," pinunasan nya ang pisngi ko at niyakap ako.
"Wag ka ng umiyak. Babalik ako sa April 16." on my 18th birthday.

"I'll wait."

"Good afternoon, passengers. Philippine Airlines Flight PR 277 bound for Bohol–Panglao International Airport is now boarding at Gate 12. We kindly ask all passengers to proceed to the boarding gate. Thank you."

We heard the airline announcement so Mom Bella said goodbye and went inside, she didn't look back at us.

Hinayaan ako ni Rick na umiyak sa damit nya kahit na alam nyang mababasa ito ng mga luha ko. He patted my back until I stopped crying and nag-aya akong maglakad nalang kami pabalik sa condo nya dahil exercise din.

Yung tiyan ko, para lang akong busog.

And yung education ko'y tinutuloy ko pa din dahil hindi malaking dahilan itong pagbubuntis ko para tumigil ako sa pag-aaral.

It's my birth month and until now Colleen doesn't even know that I know Rick, she loves this man.

I keep thinking to myself that I am a very selfish person, Rick knows that Colleen loves him so much that he knows what he needs to do when Colleen and I are together.

Rick and I don't have a relationship, we just know each other because we have a child.

"Hi, Nala!" I called Nala when we entered Rick's condo, because Kuya John also brought my dog here.

He went straight to the kitchen and put on his black apron. I stared at what he was doing while he turned his back to me and was busy cooking.

Ayoko namang tumitig sa kanya ng matagal hanggang sa matapos sya kaya tinanong ko nalang sya.

"What do you want when you grow up?" I asked. He turned around for a moment and looked back at what was being cooked.

"What I want is to build my own gym and have a good family in a quiet and beautiful place. That's it," his words were simple, yet they carried the kind of certainty I had never known. My heart ached at the thought—his dreams, his vision of a future so clear. But my path... it was different. "How about you?"

I hesitated, "All I want in my life... is a plan, I have a plan to go to Nanay Bella, in her province... after I give birth because I can't just stay with you until our child grows up."

The sound of his knife hitting the chopping board cut off, and I saw his shoulders tense up. He didn't say a word for a moment, he just stood there, the soft strike of the knife the only sound that broke the silence.

Nang tuluyan na siyang magsalita, mahina ang boses nya, halos pilit lang. "You... don't want to stay?"

I looked down. "I can't. I don't know how to be here, Rick."

Rick's sadness was palpable, even as he continued to chopping, his movements were slower now, less focused. I wanted to reach out, to tell him that maybe things can change. But I didn't do it. I couldn't. Not when I'm not sure of myself.

Nakahanda na ang food, pero ni isa sa'min ay walang ganang kumain.

Umupo kami sa maliit na table sa kitchen. Simpleng dinner food lang ang niluto ni Rick— grilled chicken, rice and vegetables. Normally, pupurihin ko sana sya, kung gaano kasarap ang pagkain na hinain nya. But tonight, the words caught in my throat.

I bit into the food, barely tasting it. My stomach churned with guilt, but I forced myself to chew and swallow. Rick didn't move, his attention fixed on his plate, though I could tell from the tension in his jaw that he was far from calm.

Ibinuka ko ang bibig ko para magsalita, pero walang lumabas. What can I say to fix it? Bawat salitang naiisip ko ay mali o hindi sapat. Tinitigan ko ang plato ko, sinusubukan kong magfocus nalang muna sa pagkain, but wala itong silbi.

"How's the food?" Rick asked suddenly, his voice breaking the silence. He didn't look at his plate.

"It's good," I murmured. I set my fork down, suddenly too nauseous to eat another bite.

Tumango si Rick na hindi pa rin tumitingin sa akin. Nagpatuloy sya sa pagkain, mabagal lang at mukhang sinadya nya ang mga galaw nya. Hindi ko masabi kung sya ay nabalisa.

Nakapagdesisyon na ako, right? But why does it feel wrong now, sitting across from him, while we eat food like regret?

"I'm sorry," I whispered, kahit hindi ako sigurado kung humihingi ako ng sorry sa kagustuhan kong umalis o sa sakit na naidulot ko sa kanya... maybe both.

Rick set his fork down and leaned back in his chair. "Do you really want this, Leila?" he asked quietly.

I could see the hurt in his eyes now, the frustration he was trying so hard to hide. And I hated myself for putting it there. I wanted to say something that would make it all better, but the words wouldn’t come.

"I don't know," pag-amin ko, tumulo ang luha sa mga mata ko. "I don't know what I'm doing. I just... I feel like I'm drowning, Rick. I need to figure things out before I can be anything—for you, for our baby."

Matagal nya akong tinitigan at kitang-kita ko sa mukha nya ang pagka-struggle, pag-igting ng panga nya na para bang pinipigilan nya ang lahat ng gusto nyang sabihin. Pagkatapos, bumuntong-hininga sya.

"What about our c-child?" his voice cracked slightly. "You think walking away is the answer?"

Pinunasan ko ang kanang pisngi ko, nadudurog ang puso ko sa bawat salitang sinasabi nya. "I’m not walking away from you. I-I just... I don't know who I am anymore, Rick. I need time to figure that out."

Rick suddenly stood up, pushing his chair back with a violent scrape. He had his back to me, his hands on the edge of the table as if he needed something to hold. I watched him.

"We can figure it out. Together. I'm here, Leila." he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

I shook my head, though he couldn’t see it. "I’m not sure kung kaya ko, Rick."

Nakakagigil ang sumunod na katahimikan. Kitang-kita ko ang pag-igting ng mga balikat nya, ang pagtaas-baba ng kanyang paghinga habang pilit nyang pinapatatag ang kanyang sarili. Finally, lumingon sya para harapin ako.

"Fine," he said quietly, his voice steady now. "Go to Nanay Bella’s if that’s what you need. But don’t expect me to wait forever."

His words hit me like a punch to the gut. Ibinuka ko ang aking bibig para sabihin ang isang bagay, para sabihin sa kanya na hindi iyon ang gusto ko. Instead, I watched him walk away, his footsteps heavy as he left the room.

Matagal akong naupo at pagkatapos non ay nakatitig na lang ako sa malamig na pagkain sa plato ko, iniisip kung nagawa ko lang ba ang pinakamalaking pagkakamali sa buhay ko.