A Safe Haven

13

I sat alone on the edge of the bed, one hand resting protectively over the curve of my stomach.

The apartment felt colder without Rick’s presence, without the warmth of his quiet laughter and the steady hum of his voice. But now, there was a new warmth, one that came from deep inside—a reminder that I wasn’t truly alone, even if it felt like it most days.

Marahan kong nilapat ang kamay ko sa baby bump ko, napapikit ako habang mahinang nagsasalita. "Hey, little one... I don’t know if you can hear me yet, but it’s just you and me. Alam kong natakot ako at hindi sigurado, but I promise... I'll do my best. Even if your daddy isn't here, I'll find a way to make sure you're safe."

Huminga ako ng malalim at naramdaman kong may tumulong luha sa pisngi ko. Hindi ako sigurado kung handa na ba akong maging isang ina o kung kakayanin ko ang responsibilidad na ito.

Rick had tried to reach out, puno ng pag-aalala ang boses nya sa phone, pero sinabi ko sa kanya na kailangan ko ng space. Ayokong maramdaman nya na kailangan nyang nandito dahil sa duty o awa. Kailangan kong malaman ang sarili kong landas. At ginalang yon ni Rick, kahit na naririnig ko ang sakit sa boses nya nang sa wakas ay naunawaan nya ang hinihiling ko.

The nights were the hardest.

When everything was quiet, and all I could hear was the hum of the refrigerator and the occasional cars passing outside. I would lie in bed, my hands cradling my stomach, talking to the baby about anything and everything.

"I wonder if you'll look like your daddy," bulong ko. "He has this way of smiling that makes everything feel... okay. Sana meron ka nyan. And... maybe one day, he’ll be a part of our lives again. But for now, it’s just you and me, okay?"

A part of me knew that Rick would have been here in a heartbeat if I had let him.

He had tried to reach out, to offer help and support, but I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to face the disappointment in his eyes.

It wasn't until I opened the door and saw Nanay Bella standing there, a small suitcase in one hand and a tired but warm smile on her face, that I realized how much this birthday meant to me. I blinked in shock and I looked at her. "Nanay Bella you really go! You didn't let me down!"

She nodded, setting her suitcase down and pulling me into a hug that felt like coming home. "Oo naman, anak. Hindi ko mapapalampas ang 18th birthday mo? Special na araw mo ito at dapat mong maramdaman yon, anuman ang nangyayari."

I stopped the tears that were about to fall and I buried my face in her shoulder. "Thank you, Nanay Bella. You don't know how much this means to me."

She pulled back. "Gawin nating special ang birthday mo, okay? Alam ko ang naging away nyo ni Rick kaya magkahiwalay kayo ngayon."

The following days, Nanay Bella had small preparations of pancit, spaghetti, lumpia and mango juice. Nanay Bella was rushing around the small apartment that had turned the living room into a simple but cozy place for the celebration.

She put up decorations made of paper flowers and strings of lights, and she even convinced me to wear a simple white dress that she brought from her hometown.

On the morning of my birthday, I woke up to the sound of soft music playing from the old record player Nanay Bella's kept.

The air was filled with the smell of baked pandesal, mixing with the sweet scent of the flowers she had arranged in a vase on the table.

I saw her in the kitchen humming softly as she put the finishing touches on a small hand-decorated cake. When he saw me, he wiped his hands on his apron and turned to face me, a wide smile on his face. "Happy birthday, Leila."

Nang maghapon na ay may inabot sa'kin si Nanay Bella na isang maliit na gift— isang sobre na naglalaman ng sulat kamay na sulat at isang necklace na sya mismo ang gumawa. "Gusto kong magkaroon ka nito, Leila. Ito ay isang paalala na palagi kang may lugar sa aking puso, saan ka man dalhin ng buhay."

I traced the designs carved into the wooden beads. Tears welled up in my eyes as I wrapped my arms around her. "Thank you, Nanay Bella. For everything you’ve done, for coming back, and for making this day so special."

She patted my back, her voice gentle in my ear. "Marami kang pinagdaanan, Leila. Pero alam kong malakas ka, mas malakas kaysa sa alam mo. At kahit anong mangyari, nandito lang ako palagi kahit pabalik-balik pa ako sa probinsya."

Even though I wasn't with Mom and Dad, my 18th birthday was still special because of Nanay Bella, she made my day special. Rick just left me a gift because he knew I didn't want to see his face.

I just like this, simple but special, as long as I'm with Nanay Bella, my day is complete.

Hindi ko na kailangan ng ibang magpapasaya sa'kin kung nariyan naman si Nanay Bella para pasayahin ako.

She always support me, akala ko madidisappoint ko sya because nalaman nyang buntis ako but no. She even helped me get up from the problems I went through.

But sometimes, nami-miss ko sila Mom and Dad. How are they? Have they regretted what they said to me? I wanted to visit them but I thought they might just throw me away because I was a sinful daughter.

And about Kuya John, does he still work there? Wala na akong balita tungkol sa kanila after our argument.

I regret that I answered disrespectfully to them, because maybe it was because of the pain I felt that I wasn't able to let them out in the times when I needed them... because they are selfish, business is important to them, they don't think about me anymore so it's better that I just stay away.

Their lives will be easier without me.

"Malungkot na naman yang mukha ng Leila ko?" Nanay Bella said, staring at my face.

"I'm just happy because you're back and you made my debut even more special. Simple but I know I will remember a lot of memories here." sabi ko na nakasulyap sa mga decorations na nasa loob ng maliit kong apartment.

"Syempre naman! Dapat bongga pa din ang birthday mo dahil once a year lang naman ito nagaganap." her face was really happy because of the compliment I said.

"Don't worry Nanay Bella, on your birthday, I will also make that day special for you and it will be filled with many memories." I said proudly.

"Aasahan ko yan, ha," I smiled and nodded. The smile on hef face disappeared as she put a strand of my hair behind my ear. "Wala ka ba talagang balak na kausapin o makita man lang si Rick? Ako yung naaawa sa inyong dalawa. Nakita ko kanina na pinabayaan nya na ang sarili nya. Pansin ko sa mga mata nya ang pagkasabik na makita yung tiyan mo pero nakatalikod ka sa kanya."

"Nanay Bella, no matter what you do, I feel no pity for him. You don't need to cover him up just to have someone take care of me until I give birth. Kaya ko naman po ang sarili ko." I can say this because I don't see Rick's condition now. Baka nagpapaawa lang sya kay Nanay Bella.

"Nasanay ka kasing mag-isa kaya dinadamay mo yung mga taong nakapaligid sayo—gustong samahan ka sa pagiging mag-isa mo." I was suddenly silenced by Nanay Bella's words. She looked down at my stomach and spoke to it as if my baby was also answering her. "Ikaw naman, wag kang makulit dyan sa loob, para hindi masaktan si Mommy." pakiusap nya dito.

I also looked down at my stomach and gently rubbed it.

"Let's visit your Daddy."