Junia Baker's Journal

Chapter Four

It was Sunday morning and Benji still wasn't here. He never came back yesterday after he finished work. It worried me, it made me sick to my stomach over the reasoning possibly being because of me. Is everything ruined now? Does he not want to be around me anymore? I hope not. Nothing has to be weird between us.

I take a shower, running my hands up and down my body, and shamefully - I imagine they're Benji's. I'm not sure why, but I am. I can't help myself, something is wrong with my brain lately. He has big hands, big veiny hands. He has a little bit of hair on each knuckle and I only know this because I stared at his hand for so long while it was placed on my breast, it was impossible to skip over this detail. I studied his hand, dissected it and looked at every square inch. I could probably draw it with every detail from memory, but I won't - because that would be insane.

I rinsed myself off and the thoughts of Benji got washed away as well. I looked at the drain and pictured them going down with the soapy water. I have to stop, this isn't normal. I can't have these types of feelings about him, these thoughts, he's my mom's boyfriend.

I shut the water off and wrap a towel around my body, walking back to my bedroom where I've been hiding out the past two days. For some reason, it's hard to look my mother in the eye knowing I've been having inappropriate thoughts about her boyfriend - even though she can't read my mind. I just feel disgustingly guilty about it.

She even invited me out to the mall and for lunch before I got in the shower, which I felt like I had no other choice but to decline as I just have this weird disconnect from her right now. It's my own fault and I'm doing it to myself but I don't know how to stop it.

I put on a pair of pink underwear and some socks, before putting in my headphones and turning on my Ipod. I start to dance around my room to the music, trying to distract myself from all the strange thoughts I've been having. I heard somewhere that if you dance and sing while you're stressed or anxious, your brain can't focus on both at the same time - so instead it just focuses on the fun part. Maybe I'm saying that wrong but that's how I believe it.

I dance along to two whole songs before I begin to feel a little lighter, slightly better. I stop in the middle of the room and reach to grab a shirt, before seeing a figure by my door that startles me. I jump and scream, clutching my chest to hide myself. Once I reopen my eyes to see who's there, I don't see anybody.

I run to my door and grab the handle, hiding my body behind it as I peek outside, down the hallway. I don't see anybody at all. I sigh and quickly get dressed, rushing to the kitchen to investigate - but again, I don't see anybody. Instead, a cough coming from the living room reignites my need to see who was near my door.

I slowly walk to the living room and I see Benji sitting on the couch with the tv remote in his hand, trying to turn the television on. His other hand reaches for a pillow and places it over his lap.

"Benji," I say almost out of breath. "Were you jus-"

He whips his head over in my direction, a look of guilt all over his face. "Junia, I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were... naked. I didn't know. I didn't see anything, I swear. I ran the second I realized."

I press my lips together after he finishes rambling and stuttering. He always seems so put together and acts like he knows everything, but right now he looks and sounds like a deer caught in headlights. I almost find it cute, in a way. I feel my cheeks go red as I blush, replaying in my head what just happened. I can see him scrambling around in his brain for the right words to say but I don't think he can find them. Do they even exist?

"How did you know I was naked if you didn't see anything?" I question him. I probably shouldn't be asking this at all, I should have just said it's okay and walked off.