Junia Baker's Journal

Chapter Five

A week has passed since Benji and I went to the movie's together. Lately, I get really excited when I know Benji is coming over so that means I'm excited most days, since he's been coming around more often than usual which is insane because before any of this, he was around a lot anyway.

Nothing out of the ordinary happens, he'll come in, say hi to me, maybe shower, crack a beer, watch television, bug me for a couple minutes before my mom would come home and get involved. We even play-fought in the kitchen yesterday, wrestling, pushing and pulling each other to see who could get to the fridge first. He wanted another beer and I wanted a Coke. I laughed as I had won, though I think he let me. While I was bent over, grabbing my Coke from inside the fridge, I felt Benji come up behind me, his groin planted right against my bum as he reached in over my head to grab his beer. "You got lucky this time." He said to me.

I was frozen, my hand glued to the can but unable to do anything else after. Feeling him pressed up against me like that was something I can't even describe. I never wanted it to stop, for him to move, but obviously eventually he had to.

Did he mean to put himself up against me like that or was it a genuine accident? I mean, he was just reaching in to get his beer and once he got it, he backed up. It wasn't my initial reaction to want to overthink the situation, but the second his groin touched me and that tingling feeling bursted in my stomach, that's when the thoughts started gushing. I liked it. Why did I like it? It's so bad that I liked it.

After finally composing myself and removing myself from the fridge, I shut the door and turned around, watching him snap open the beer as he leant against the counter. That's when I noticed the ring on his finger. It was new. I wonder if my mother got it for him.

"Nice bling." I commented while opening my Coke. "Where'd ya get it?" I questioned.

He looked down at his hand that was wrapped tightly around his beer, before looking back at me. "I bought it a couple days ago. Why, you like it?" He cocks an eyebrow with a stupid smile, taking down a big gulp of beer.

I nodded my head. "Yeah. Looks good." He bought it himself, I wondered why. Was there somebody he was trying to impress (me) or am I again feeding into my delirious delusions? I walked away after that comment, my heart racing.

Another week later, I felt that feeling again. My mother, Benji and I were eating at the dinner table. Everything sort of felt normal again. Nothing strange happened between Benji and I since the whole fridge-situation. I actually noticed a bit of distance between him and I, like he was pulling away from me. He wouldn't tease or bug me as much, he mainly hung out with my mom when he was over. It made me sad and I was craving the newfound attention he was once feeding to me.

I had playfully kicked him under the table with my foot, hoping to spark a reaction out of him. He had instantly looked up and stared at me, before smirking and taking a bite of food. My mom was telling a story about an entitled man she encountered at work but I'm not entirely sure what she was even saying, because I was too busy looking at Benji to really listen.

Benji kicked back, but not hard. Just enough for me to want to laugh, happy that I got his attention back. We kept gently kicking at each other, playing footsies underneath the table but not to cause too much commotion and drawing attention to us from my mother - that is until I mischievously raised my foot, trailing it from his ankle up his leg, feeling his jeans slightly raise. I got past his knee and tried to get further up his thigh but my leg wasn't long enough so I stopped just above his knee.

I saw him jump a little and my mom quickly looked over at him. He cleared his throat and looked down at his plate, pretending to put another piece of chicken on his fork.

I don't know why I did it, I knew it was wrong and bad while I was doing it - I just couldn't help myself. It's like I wasn't even really in control over my own actions.

''You okay, babe?'' My mom asks him.

He nods his head, ''Yeah, yeah. I'm fine.'' He replied.

My mother goes back to telling her story and Benji looks at me, an expression on his face that I don't know how to describe. Is it angry? Or is it desire? I chalked it up to me just being delusional, wishing to see something that's not really there and I looked away, continuing to eat.

After dinner, I sat in bed with my pen and journal, emotions flowing out of me like they never had before.

Maybe I'm being crazy and you know what, I probably am. Maybe I'm even freaking him out or making him uncomfortable and he just doesn't know how to tell me to quit it.

But then again... I'm not the only one participating in this little game we're playing, or whatever you want to call it. I mean, how obvious could he be? The signs are there. But what do they mean? I just feel like there's something there but I don't know what it is and I'm terrified to further explore it because what if it's all just been in my head? I mean, this is Benji I'm talking about! Benji!! But I don't know if I can ignore the way I feel about him... It's like a flip switched in my head the second he accidentally touched my boob and now I've gone mad.

****

I finished class and left the building filled with pretentious girls and boys doused in axe cologne. I walk my usual route home, glad my University isn't far from home. I hate having to take the bus. I'd rather take a thirty minute walk versus a smelly public transit ride.

While about to cut down an alley, I hear a horn honk three times. I curiously look over and I spot Benji's car across the street with him inside, smiling at me from ear to ear. I look both ways before lightly jogging across the road, my breasts bouncing as I didn't wear the right bra for jogging. I hold them to ease the movement and I get inside his car, yanking my seatbelt on.

I look over at Benji and see he was already staring at me, but at my breasts. I don't say anything as I lick over my lips, looking down at my own breasts as well before back at him, trying to subtly let him know that I see what he's doing. His cheeks instantly flush red and he laughs and looks away, driving off.

''How was uh... School?'' He asks, not taking his eyes off the road. They're glued to the view in front of him. I wish he was still looking at me.

''It was okay.'' I shrug my shoulders. I don't want to talk about school, I want to talk about us.

''You learn anything cool?'' He tries to make conversation as I tuck my hair behind my ears to get it out of my face.

''Um, not really. Same old, I guess. I have to take a stupid health class this semester. We discussed the parts of the penis today.'' I explained.

Benji chuckles. ''Oh really? Was it hard?'' He can't contain his laughter at the joke he unintentionally made and neither can I. We both burst out laughing and I hit his arm.

''God, what a shitty joke.'' I playfully roll my eyes. ''Yeah, it was hard actually. There's so many words to remember and things to look at.''

''Yeah, trust me. I mean, I got one, right?'' He says.

I look his way with raised eyebrows. ''You do? I didn't know.'' I tease and joke.

He glances at me and gives me this look I can't quite explain and I feel butterflies fluttering around me, inside of me. ''Mhm, right here.'' He comments as he still laughs, using one hand to grip himself over his pants.

I blink rapidly, not believing that he actually just did that. Did I only imagine that or did he really grab his groin like that in front of me?

I chuckle and pry my eyes away, though it's very hard. I look out the window, trying to contain myself. The feeling just keeps bubbling and bubbling. Soon it will boil over and I don't know what will happen then.