Junia Baker's Journal

Chapter Seven

I watch Benji as he walks back into the living room with a beer, which I believe is his fourth since finishing the movie. He starts chugging it down. I sit up a little, analyzing his every move, wondering what's going to come next. He takes a seat beside me, letting out a deep sigh at the same time.

I slowly turn so that I'm facing him a little better and our eyes meet. "So, what do you wanna do now?" I ask, pressing my lips together, purposefully batting my eyes a little bit. I want him to say that now he wants us to have sex. (Wait, did I really just say that? Is that what I want?) Or maybe he wants us to make out, a steamy, hot makeout session where we both forget what planet we're on.

He blinks slowly, I can tell he's drunk. I reach forward with my hand and I go to fix a strand of hair that's out of place. He grabs my wrist very gently, his eyes piercing into my soul. "Junia..." He mumbles quietly.

"What?" I ask him in response, tilting my head. Is this it? Is this the moment I've been waiting for?

"I think that..." He pauses and I see him thinking. He lets go of my hand. "I think that I need to be the grown up now and say that this has gone on too far." I hear my own heart shatter and I wonder if he can hear it too.

"Wh-what do you mean?" I ask. I wonder if I should play dumb and pretend I have no idea what he's talking about. What's gone on too far, why do you have to be a grown up? Nothing has even happened.

"I think you know. The touching, the stories, the-" He sees my expression and he stops speaking. "You don't know what I'm talking about, do you?" He frowns.

I shake my head and put a dumb look on my face. "You're being weird, Benji. What are you talking about? You always give me massages. We go to the movies all the time. And for the stories... Well, my bad. I thought we were cool." I try to joke, playfully punching his side.

I see his face change from anxious to relieved. He lets out a tiny laugh. "No, I mean, we are cool! Of course we're cool. I was just worried that..." He stops talking yet again then shakes his head. "Nothing. I think I've been drinking too much." He chuckles. "Um, I'm gonna head into the shower and uh, go to the store. Gotta pick some things up."

He's lying - right through his teeth. I can see it. He doesn't have anywhere to be, he's just trying to get away from me. I can't believe it. "Cool." I replied. He stands up, leaving his half empty beer on the ottoman, walking into the bathroom. The door shuts behind him and I shut my eyes.

I get up and stomp to my bedroom, slamming the door behind me. I dive into my bed and grab my journal and pen, scribbling into it immediately.

Have I really been crazy all along? Was he truly never interested in me? Was it all a mistake? I was just reading into every movement, every word, every feeling? I hate myself right now for feeling so silly. I feel so nasty for even thinking that there was something there. He's fucking Benji and I thought about maybe sleeping with him. I mean, he's a good looking man - I'm not blind. But I am insane. Having him end it here is probably for the best - before I completely lose myself.