Forever Yours

Chapter Twenty

Connor Chase

It's starting again. My mind is everywhere, and the sadness, the panicked feeling. Everything from my past. It's all coming at me.

It's all taking over again.

I'm in the bathroom, and staring at my broken razor. My mind is all over the place, and the one thing that silences it all for a short amount of time, is this.

I know I should go to Ethan. I know I should talk to him, and tell him how I'm feeling. But I can't. I don't know how to, I don't know if I want to.

I turn on the shower, and grab my broken razor blade. I step into the steaming hot water, letting it run all over my body.

I find a place, and I dip the blade into my skin. The first cut is always the hardest. The sting of pain, the burning and the heart break that falls into place that i have to settle back into this mind fuck.

But the second one? It's the easiest. It's the swipe of relief, that I can find my release and that the burden is already done.

The third and fourth are even easier, and I feel like I can finally breathe. I go and go, until my body is littered with bleeding cuts.

My shower is a fuzzy memory. My brain is fuzzy. I wash up, and pat my new cuts dry. I hang up my towel, and pull sweatpants on and a hoodie.

I want to crawl and bed, and stay there. But I can't. I head out into the kitchen, seeing my sister work on her homework.

Our kids are playing and watching a movie. Ethan should be back soon.

"Hey.." Sarah says, her voice soft. "You seem.. like your old self" she says, worried obviously in her tone.

I give her a weak smile "Just having a bad day, that's all"

"Okay.. After I'm done I'm gonna head over to Xans. I'm gonna hangout with Rhys for a bit"

"Okay, do you need a ride?"

"They're picking me up after his appointment"

"Call me if you need me?"

"Of course," she smiles. I nod, and get started on dinner. It's easier to eat up here most of the time. especially now with kids. So I get to making dinner and Sarah leaves before it's done.

Ethan comes home, and wraps his arms around me. He holds me, and kisses me. He asks about my day, and I ask about his. We eat dinner as a family, and it's calming and nice.

But there's a storm building inside of me.

We get the kids bathed and in bed, and while Ethan showers I lay in bed staring at the ceiling.

"Connor.." Ethan's voice is sad, and distraught. I sit up, and my eyes burn with tears. He's holding a towel, my towel. You can see there's blood, and in his other hand is my broken razor.

My heart sinks, and I know my brain was fuzzy but i didn't think it was that bad.

"Baby" he rasps, setting the stuff down on the bathroom counter. He clears the space and climbs into the bed. "Connor what happened today?" His voice is gentle, and I swallow down the broken parts of myself.

"I don't know"

I don't know if that's true. Maybe I do know. Maybe it'll always be this way. Maybe I'm meant to be a sad pathetic broken mess.

"What's going through your head?" he murmurs, swiping his thumb under my eyes. The tears keep falling, but I'm numb.

I'm pushed into this state of nothingness. Of emptiness. I blink back my tears, my eyes focusing on my mate.