i can talk here? crazy.

goodbye 09.09.24

I thought I could choose
who I love.
I thought that if I loved
you just enough
you'd find the knowledge,
wisdom, and motivation
I could see in you.

I figured if I showed you
with care
like a mother,
as a lover,
like no other:
you'd realize
I meant
what I said,
"You're my forever."

I fought my internal
alerts that are
raising red flags
all because
I wanted to keep you.

I hate how much you
affect my everyday life.
I hate you for having the confidence
to disrespect me but
not enough to love me.
That's all I wanted:
to be loved by you.

Yet as I collect my thoughts,
go through my file cabinet
of memories,
I made this startling realization.
I was a game to you.
Let's see how much it'll take
to break
the trust,
the mind,
the heart
of the person who loves me most.

You never loved me.
You lie to yourself saying you do.
You love what I give you.
You love what I'd do for you.
You love the fact that I'd kill my physical and mental being for your sake.
You love my body for all the wrong reasons.
I should've realized our love was just like a season.

You never loved my goofy jokes; my passion; my creativity; my thoughts; my mind; my soul.

I have to admit I was in love with a delusion.
I thought I could make you love me if you got to know me.
Turns out you just wanted to see how long it took to completely shatter any of the goodness I saw in you.

I hope you feel how I felt when you stabbed into my heart, cut into my chest, and ripped out my beating, warm heart with your bare hands. I hope you feel Hopeless. Restless. Guilty. Ashamed. Disgusted. Angry. Depressed. I hope you feel the death of our life together and regret letting me walk away forever. I know you'll want me back, but not this time. Be alone. Die that way for all I care . I wish everyone in your life would leave you miserably alone. So all you have is your cat. Then you two can both rot away into the dust you were made of. I hope you kill yourself thinking about how badly you fucked up. I hope you sob so hard that you wake up everyone in the house because you're thinking of all the ways I showed you unconditional love. How you squashed this relationship into nothing but blood and guts.

You weren't made for me.
You never were.
Turns out I proved myself wrong.
You can't choose who you love.
You can't wait for someone to love you either.
And you most certainly can't keep someone so negative around.
So I'm letting us go.
Letting you go.