SP Character One Shots

Never-ending cylce AMR, WV, &DS

Reader's POV: 

Here we go again the never-ending cycle of doom. Although I thought those days were over. I thought we finally had it under control but I guess that's why it's called never ending. I've been like this my whole life... up and down. Happy to sad in a blink of an eye. A rollercoaster of emotions constantly floating around.

If it's not the ups and downs of my emotions it's the constant voices and thoughts in my head. Telling me to check the locks three times. Hold your breath. Are you sure you want to eat that?  Or the most favorite of them all is No One Loves You!

Yes, this is all normal to me but I thought we figured it out. I thought I was getting better. A couple of months ago Diane and Ally both sat down with me and said maybe I should think about getting on medications for my anxiety and depression. I usually fought them on this topic but recently I've felt this battle was too much for me to carry alone so I agreed. Wilhelmina told me to make sure this was something that I wanted and to not let them bully me into it but I assured her I wanted this too.

So after a couple of tries of different anxiety medications and adding in some depression meds I've been on a high for the last month. I felt so good in the beginning, the best I've felt in a long time. My mind was quiet, my body was full of energy. I felt happy. This didn't go unnoticed by my girlfriends and they were extremely supportive and happy for me. I felt good for once and I was so happy that by me being okay I also brought joy to them.

Here we are now two months in I feel like I've been dropped off the Empire State Building. I'm so exhausted, sad, and drained. I've felt so low these last few days and now it's been weeks. I'm extremely moody and I've noticed my anxiety is back with a vengeance. I thought this was over.

" Of course it isn't you stupid girl. You thought you'd be okay? You? You'll never be okay. You're worthless. You're a burden. Did you check your locks? Where is your life going? You're a disappointment. You will be alone for the rest of your life! They will never love you! "

The voices echoed through my mind.
"I can't take this anymore"  I whispered to myself as I got out of bed.

I've been in this bed for hours. Ally and Diane tried to get me to come downstairs with them but I refused. I've been doing that a lot lately. At first, they tried to be understanding and just thought I was going through a phase but now they're worried. But their worried expressions and soothing voices piss me off. Why can't they just let me rot?

Wilhelmina however has not been so understanding and this morning let her frustration known.

"You can't just stay in this bed all day y/n!" She shouts at me. 

"Wilhelmina please she's sick," Diane whispered.

"She has to push through it. She can't just give up." Wilhelmina shouts back.

"Stop it!" Ally shouts between them.

"This isn't helping." She adds.

They all went back and forth as you tuned them out. This was your fault. You did this. Now they're turning on each other. You couldn't be bothered though. It wasn't until the voices got so loud that I  couldn't take it anymore. I rose from the bed in search of comfort. In search of the one person I  knew could scare anyone away. Imaginary or not.

I stood in front of the office door knocking on it slightly.

"Come in." The voice said.

I open the door closing it softly behind me and standing awkwardly until she notices.

"Little one?" She called out.

"Mina." I choked out as my words got caught in my throat.

She sighs as she opens her arms out to me.
"Come here, baby."

I scrambled to her open arms, not caring how childlike I seemed at this moment. I just need her. I need her to make it all go away.

"It's bad Mina." I cried holding on to her tightly afraid she would disappear.

"I know."

"I can't do this. I need help." I cried.

"I know baby. We will help you. I'm sorry I snapped at you." She added kissing my forehead.

"I'm letting you down." I cried louder.

She shakes her head vigorously as she rocks me back and forth "Never. You could never let me down."

"I'm sorry." I cried.

"It's okay my love sleep. I've got you. I will never let you go." She whispered the words slowly dying out as exhaustion creeps into me.

A month later I'm feeling better. My meds have been adjusted once again. I started therapy once a week and I'm keeping my mind busy with hobbies, my studies, self-care, and my girlfriends. Diane and Ally are quick to remind me that unfortunately, I may need to adjust my medications again and that it's okay. Needing adjustments does not equal failure. Needing help isn't weak. Needing comfort and love isn't a burden. Mina has always stayed by my side throughout this process knowing that she is my comfort from the big bad world. A role she holds like a badge of honor. I've never had the support system I have now and I truly feel that will make all the difference and maybe this cycle will finally come to some sort of an end.