Alone again (Solarballs earth angst)

I know you think of me when you think of him.

what I would give
to go back
and restart

every little choice 
of my life

to restart
every feeling 

every emotion                                                                                                                                                               every yes, no, maybe

what I would give
to go back                                                                                                                                                                                   and say sorry

When I was still a new planet, I met him, he had a dark crust with large patterns of lava flowing around him. He was kind, timid, and uncontrollably reckless and stupid. Meeting him changed everything and nothing at the same time, losing him though, is what completely shattered me.

I used to think making friends was nothing more than a means to an end, of course back then I wasn't surrounded by the best planets, most days I would isolate myself hoping that the others would just stop for once, anyways the gist of it is that I never tried to be an outwardly social and friendly person. It just wasn't me. Thinking back on it now, all the times I declined the offers to hang out and attempts at conversation, that's why he's dead, isn't it? That's why I have so many regrets now.

So many what-ifs have plagued my mind over the years, it doesn't matter that we're 'friends' now. He should hate me. I sigh.

Is it bad that I feel as if our friendship is sometimes just making up for before? Or that when I peer into his dirt-coloured eyes I see someone else's face? Or that sometimes I look at him and only see a copy? A clone? A fake?

...

I don't need the answer, it was rhetoric I already knew.

Even with all these mixed emotions and messy history, he's still... my friend, my best friend.

The beginning of our friendship was sweet and magical, it was exciting and fun, but also scary, like the feeling of pure adrenalin and happiness mixed with anxiety of the looming possibility of getting hurt I always get while playing asteroid dodgeball.

It's all so familiar, though it was never like this before, every heartfelt laugh, every silly and unfunny joke that somehow always tugs at the edge of my lips forming a small grin no matter how hard I try to force it down, every time he gives me one of his few softer smiles... All these things make me go crazy, I hate it so much, and I don't even know if this feeling of crazy is because of happiness or guilt.

How can I sit here smiling, laughing, having fun when the reason all the things are happening is because he's gone?

All he does is give me a sense of deja vu. He makes me long for this friendship that I have now but wish for in the past. I so desperately wanted it before, yet never quite had the confidence to ask for it. I waited too long, held onto the idea that making weak friends would only lead to pain and suffering, and then my chance was gone, just as soon as he came into my life he left.

There's only one person to blame.

I head towards the asteroid belt and Jupiter in search of Earth.

I won't let him go again.

P.S. Do you guys know whose P.O.V. this is?

It's MARS :)