Lovesick

Do i like her?

I stare at my screen, at her messages, at my messages. 'i don't hate you Callia, but i don't know if i like you too...' i repeat to myself, i check the time again, only a few minutes have past. i sit up from my position on the couch and slowly shut my computer, i stand and decide it's best if i head to bed since it's almost 10pm, i go and brush my teeth continuing to think about Callia. 'i don't want to just say i like her because she said she liked me, because that would be lying to her wouldn't it? i don't want to lie to Callia, but i've never liked someone before? how do you know if you like someone in the first place? should i know if i like her? i have the next few days to take a break and think about it........maybe i do like her? but what if i don't and we go out and i'm just there whilst she thinks i like her that'd be bad. what do i do? i want to say something but i pinky swore to her that night not to tell anyone so i can't really ask someone for help because that would be breaking the promise. but what if i ask Celia? she's dated people before and liked people before and Callia would understand since she's my sister?'

I finish up with my teeth and decide i'm going to ask my sister what i should do. leaving the bathroom a little nervous since i've never asked my sister about something like this but she might be useful. i leave the light blue tiled bathroom and make my way to the bedroom next door, it felt as if i was in autopilot. Celia's sitting on her bed blasting tik tok whilst having her laptop open in front of her playing what sounded like outer banks - one of her favourite shows - at the same time. i take a step into the carpeted room and lift my right arm over to the light switch next to the door frame, my sister looks up from her bed after seeing me in the corner of her eye and shuts her laptop. i switch off the bedroom light but it's still visible since the hallway light remains on, i make my way to my bed in front of me. i'm lucky since my beds closer to the door whilst her's is closest to the window on the other end of the room.

i move my blankets around to get comfy whilst Celia turns off her phone and puts it on her side table. my hands move the blanket covering me awkwardly as i try and find the best way to ask my sister what to do. 'if i tell her i'm not technically breaking the promise and she wont tell anyone because if she did it wouldn't go well for both of us. how should i ask her i can't just say OH CALLIA LIKES ME! because that would be a bit crazy, i need to say it differently maybe ask her what she'd do without telling her???' i think to myself as i continue to sit their in silence, Celia probably waiting for me to start speaking. "Celia? what would you do if one of your best friends had a.......crush on you?" i said not looking in her direction, she was probably looking at me funny or suspecting something at the random question i just asked her. "ew what?" she replied looking in my direction confused, my heart started to race as i tried to find another way to see what she'd say. "w-what if it was your friend octavia?" i asked her again "i'd probably say f*ck that and leave?" she answered continuing to sound and look at me confused at the weird questions "why?". i can't tell her about Callia, who knows what she'd do. "no reason......." i say quietly, she squints her eyes at me before dropping the conversation and lying down in her bed. 

i continue to sit up in my bed thinking about what i just said to her, 'what was i expecting? she's straight as what type of answer was i expecting??? well i didn't really break the promise since i didn't tell her about Callia. maybe i should just tell her since this isn't helping my situation...'. i start up the conversation again, but this time i talk a little more quieter. "remember how i went to Callia's house for a sleepover the other day?....." i wait anxiously for her response "yeaaah? what about it?" she asked me back. "well you might not believe this but it was like around 12pm and me and Callia where on the topic of 'crushes' and she told me she had a crush on someone in our year level..........and i asked her who it was" the more i talk the more i feel my heart racing, 'i'm not really breaking the promise' i tell myself to convince myself to just say it. "i guessed me, i was right and told me it was me...." i look over at my sister lying in her bed, Celia just lies there starring at the Ceiling probably. i sit there starting to wish i didn't tell her before my sister speaks up "i ship you two" i'm a bit confused at her sudden 'ship' talk and lean over to look at her from across the room. "what?" i say smiling. "do you like her back?" she asked me, i can't tell if she's looking at me since the light doesn't reach all the way. 

After she says those words 'do you like her back' my thoughts come back "i-i don't know? i've never really liked someone before..." i reply back to my sister hoping she'll know.