Lovesick

Sisters Advice

I've never had a crush on someone before, in primary school i never really liked anyone since the guys were weird and i guess i wasn't gay when i was little. no one at any school's or places i've been has ever asked me out, liked me or even dated me. i've never really thought of anything about dating people before, i've only really read about that stuff then experienced it. this was something new to me, something i've never felt or thought. i don't even know how to answer her question. 

"do you?" she asked again sitting up slightly on her arms waiting for me to answer, "i don't know... i never really thought about her like that until she told me you know? and i feel bad because i've said things as a joke and i wonder if she took any of it literal....." i start to trail off forgetting that my sister has no idea what i'm yapping about since i never talk about this. "well have you ever thought at least once about you being with her? or do you like her now?" she asked me, she seemed very invested in our conversation for someone who seems a little homophobic. i think on the questions Celia's asking me, when i was texting her earlier i was happy, my heart was semi-racing and i was a little bit nervous unless it was something else. 'does that have something to do with it?' i think to myself trying to find a way to describe it to my sister, "i....don't know if i like her back.....right now" i eventually say back to Celia. "then you probably don't like her" she said lying back down, 'what? no, i probably do like her! i just need to explain it to her more right?' i quickly start speaking again, trying my best to explain why i might like her back. after i finish explaining my sister replies with a similar answer but with more of a confused tone "then you like her?", she's probably wondering why i'd tell her i don't know if i like her and yet deflect it when she says i don't. "i don't knowwwww" i groan and cover my face with my hands, every time i think about weather i do like her or not i just feel bad that she likes me whilst i have no clue. "well then you don't like her, problem solved" My sister says back to me, i immediately deflect it "but i feel like i do? but i don't know you know? like.....". she continues to lie and listen as i explain to her about how i've been feeling about her, how i've started feeling more conscious of how i act around her and when i text her. after i finish my yap Celia takes a few minutes before saying "well......if you didn't like her you definitely wouldn't be caring this much about how you dress, look, act and speak around her because if you didn't like her you'd just be acting normal and put the whole thing behind it. And you stupid f*ck she meant if you didn't like her back then ignore it and continue being friends, she didn't mean to just forget what she said even if you liked her back".

I sit back, relaxing a tad after hearing those words. Hearing Celia say "if you don't like her you definitely wouldn't be caring this much" was like a final piece in the puzzle. 'i...........like her don't i.......' i think to myself as i sit there, it was so sudden, so out of the blue, i couldn't even believe my sister would even say something like that. 'and i f*cked it up by not saying anything and completely ignoring the fact that she liked me because my dumb brain didn't think about what she meant by that promise' i stare up at the ceiling, continuing to think about how i probably do like her back i just haven't accepted it yet. my thoughts interrupted as my sister says something again.

"i've solved your problem so can you turn the light off now?"

I sit there for a second and do as she says, i lean over and turn off the light, the darkness filling the room so quickly. i sit in the dark sitting up in my bed, tomorrow is saturday, school is in 4 days. 

i'm seeing Callia in 4 days............