Overcoming My Father

chapter 4

That night I began to make my plan, my plan to end my life. What's the point in staying if no one wants me here? I decided I would overdose on pills instead of stabbing myself or hanging myself, that's the least painful way to go. I hadn't decided on a date yet, but that'll just come. I had finished one letter to my mom, and was working on another. Why I was writing her two, I didn't know. I hadn't even started my letter to Taylor. What was I even going to say to her? how could I tell her this? shed think I abandoned her! The last person I had to write a letter to, was my dad. Should I even write a letter to him? This is his fault! No, remember, this is your fault, you did this. What did I do? I wish I knew, then I could fix it. Maybe he would stop if I could fix it?

my alarm for school awoke me from my thoughts. Time for school already? I hadn't even slept yet, but I was used to that. And the good thing was, I still felt numb. Whatever I did, it worked way better than cutting. I wonder how long the numbness will last? Hopefully until after youth group tonight, that way, my pretend happy will actually look real. Pretending to be happy was so much easier when I was numb, it was easier to ignore the pain.

"Hey tay!" I said using my excited voice. She totally fell for it. Wow, I was getting really good at this.

"Hey area, Howre you feeling girl?" She questioned. I could tell she was worried about me. I have her a smile, just to show her I was fine.

"I'm good, tay. How are you?" Success again.

"I'm good." She replied with a smile.

Today was easier than the rest. I didn't have to try as hard, to look happy. Maybe I actually felt happy? yeah right! numbness just made things easier. that was all. youth group went well, no one noticed anything. well, they all said I looked tired, but that was to be expected. I looked like a zombie with the begs that covered the underneath of my eyes. but other than that, my happy act was flawless. I got home and hopped in the shower and had my specialty numb shower. I kissed my mom on the cheek and headed for bed. I actually felt like I might get some sleep tonight. That would be nice.

I felt myself regaining consciousness, and noticed my eyelids were red. he was here, in my room. the pain I felt was indescribable with words. I had never felt emotional like this in my life. my whole entire body tensed, and my breathing went rapid. area, get a hold of yourself, you can't let him know you're awake! all of the sudden, I hit blackness. I was falling into, a deep dark whole. and the next thing I knew, it was morning. The comfortable numbness had faded, and that swirling chest pain was back. Couldn't I just have one week to be numb and not have to feel? Ugh, I'm so done with this roller coaster! I can't do this anymore, I'm so done. I grabbed the pills I had saved for my death, and stared at the container. a tear slid down my cheek and at the moment I knew I couldn't do it.