Overcoming My Father

chapter 5.

Since my incident with the pills I hadn't cut or did any self harm. Of course I craved it, craved that feeling, but I could do it. Have I gone soft? First I can't kill myself, and now I can't cut? What's wrong with me? I'm such a coward, such a failure. I can't even accomplish, things I want, things I need. So now I'm stuck here, fighting for a life I don't even want to live.. no one even wants me here. So why do I stay? Why don't I just end it? What is the point to this?

I felt the urge to cut, and this time I was just going to do it. I mean, why not? It's not like I care anymore. I applied pressure to my thigh with the my razor and slid it across my leg. A sigh of relief left my lips when the stinging clung to my thigh. Blood began to pour from the wound. I let it drip down my leg, and loved every minute of it. I was a freak, remember? I repeated the steps. Pressure. Slice. Blood. Drip. Pressure. Slice. Blood. Drip. Pressure. Slice. Blood. Drip. I felt like a zombie or a robot, feeling nothing as I cut. I did this about six or seven times before I realized my leg was covered in blood.

Panic swam through me like a shark that had just found food. I took my blanket, which was also covered in blood, and applied pressure to the wounds. It took them for what seemed to be eons to stop bleeding. How was I going to explain this to my mom? Oh yeah mom, I was sleeping and woke up with blood everywhere, pretty cool huh? she'll definitely know something is up. I could say I got my period, but this much blood? heavy flow? that was my best option. I took the covers and sheets off my bed and quietly made my way to the laundry room. it was about three in the morning so everyone would be sleeping. Maybe if I did it now, she would notice. I put them in as quickly as I could and slid back into my room. I checked my cuts to make sure they weren't bleeding again, and took the spare blanket from my closet. I closed my eyes and attempted to sleep. the minute my eyes shut, I began to see creepy faces. like the ones from scary movies, and I knew I wasn't sleeping tonight. I felt the need to get up and do sit-ups. should I? why not? maybe ill loose this weight I've gained. I did about two hundred sit-ups before I couldn't do anymore. what now? push-ups? I only made it to like fifty push-ups, I have the upper strength of a five year old. I could go for a jog, no one would notice. its six in the morning so as long as I'm back by seven ill be fine. I threw on some running clothes, running shoes and took a shot of my enhaler. I sprinted out the door and didn't stop until I entered the door of my house an hour later. by this time I was wheezing louder than a dying cow. the burning in my throat felt kindof nice. I always say physical pain is better than emotional pain. I hopped in the shower and washed last nights memories away. I got out of the shower and went to the mirror. I took one look at myself and fought urges to throw up. I was so fat and so ugly. after that, I made sure not to eat breakfeast before I left. how could I let myself get this fat? I'm going to put a stop to this as soon as possible. ill restrict what I eat, and workout after I eat. the world seemed different to me now, I see things differently since last night. I have this weird feeling in my stomach, but I'm not sure what its trying to tell me. was something bad going to happen? or was this something good?

"hey area!" Taylor exclaimed as she walked towards me.

"hey tay," I smiled softly.

"you know how we have that bio test?" I nodded. "Well, there's and assembly so we don't have to write it!" She practically screamed at me. Someone must really be dreading that test!

"That's great! What's the assembly on?" I inquired, hoping for the usual boring Crap so I could zone out.

"Bullying I think," she guessed. Oh great, another one. I'll just zone out, like I had planned. We walked to the assembly together while she rambled on about some new gossip that was spreading throughout the school. I had already started to zone out. The principal introduced some lady and she entered the gym.

"Good morning," she said in to the Mic.

"Good morning!" The students replied.

"I'm here to talk about sexual abuse, do you know what that means?" She asked. My head began to swim through all my tainted memories. I started to panic and was filled with a wave of pain. My eyes filled with tears, I fought them off as best as I could but they came pouring from my eyes. I got up and left. I ran to the change room and broke down crying. The door opened, I assumed it was tay. I was right, she took me in a hug and held me.

"I knew something was going on. It's okay hunny, you're okay. Just let it out." She whispered softly in my ear. After I finished crying we left the room and went to out next class. We missed about ten minutes of class, but when the teacher saw my face she didn't mind. It looked like I had been crying so she must've just let this one slide. I couldn't keep my mind off of the fact that Taylor now knew about what happened to me. What if she saw me differently? What if she told someone? Would she hate me? How could she not? She probably knew it was my fault, she knew I did something. I felt so dirty now, so gross, I needed to shower again. Hopefully it would take away this gross feeling I had.

School was a blur, and when I got home my dad yelled at me for something stupid and I just went to my room. What's the point in trying? Nothing I ever do it good enough? Didn't he know that I made mistakes just like him? I wasn't perfect, I had flaws. It wouldn't matter if I was perfect, ill never be good enough for him. I'll never live up to his standards. Why do I still try..?