Overcoming My Father

chapter two.

"Tay, do we have gym today?" I asked hoping and praying for it to be a no. She thought a minute.

"Yup, right after lunch. Were playing basketball." She sounded excited. Crap, how was I going to change in front of everybody without them noticing? How was I suposed to play without reopening a wound? I'll just have to pretend I forgot gym strip.

"Crap, I forgot my gym strip!" I eclaimed pretending to be upset about it.

"I brought extra, don't worry." She spoke excitedly.

"That's okay.. I um, I, don't feel like gym today." I stuttered out, hoping shed just go with it.

"What's wrong with you lately? You look like you haven't slept in years, you've lost a lot of weight, and now you don't wanna play basketball? You love basketball." Yeah, what is wrong with you?

"Nothings wrong. I'm fine. I just don't feel good." I tried to convince her.

"I don't believe you. I want you to know that if you ever need to talk, I'm here for you." she stated softly and pulled me into a long hug. maybe I could tell her? tell her what, that I was mentally insane? yeah right. I supose I could tell her about my dad.. no. no one can know that. Then shed really think I was nuts.

Gym class sucked.. I hated watching everybody play basketball, and not be able to play. It was my most favorite sport ever. this is what you get for cutting yourself. This is how you pay for it. think of this the next time you cut, you failure.

The rest of my day was a blur, I just went through the motions of the day, not really feeling anything. See? The cutting worked. Or else id feel like crying all day. When I got home my mom was making supper and I threw her one of my usual fake smiles and hid in my room.

"You've hardly touched your food, are you okay?" She asked her face filled with worry.

"Yeah I'm okay, I had a big lunch I'm not really hungry." Lie. I hadn't even touched food today. The thought of eating makes me feel fat. but since my mom is watching, ill eat the whole plate. after I finished supper I did the dishes, like always. Then went to bed and failed at sleeping. I felt like a zombie, staring at the wall, just completely zoned out. Im mentally insane, aren't I?

I hear footsteps towards my door. My whole body tensed with fear, my heart pounds so loud I'm sure he can hear it. as the steps get closer I shut my eyes and pretended to sleep. A light shined upon my face, from his phone. What was he doing? I shouldn't even ask myself, after all these years, I KNOW what he's doing. He sat on my bed beside me and shined the light on my face. Then blackness. I blocked everything, I have no idea what happened after. There are some tiny flashbacks, but not much. Once he left, I woke up from the blackness. Tears filled my eyes, but I fought them off. That thought came back, and I went into my trance. When I awoke from my trance, I was in the middle of making a new cut on my stomach. I already had two new ones and they needed to be tended to. I stopped what I was doing and put pressure on them until the blood stopped. Numbness at last. I got up, although it was five in the morning and went for a shower. I was desperatly craving a numb shower. don't ask me why, I just was. numb showers were my favorite, the feeling of the hot water, calmed me. it sent me into a calm numb. I felt, relaxed and calm but, numb all at once. it was amazing. after my shower I felt refreshed and decided to go to bed. I fell asleep with ease, which for me is surprising.

the next morning I woke up with a swirling pain in my chest. (emotional pain). all that work I did, and for what? to just hurt again the next morning? I pulled up my shirt and looked at the fresh wounds, they were deep and ragid. looking at them sent a pang of guilt into my chest, this just added to my pain. those familar negative thoughts entered my mind like a Sharp knife. they nearly knocked me to the floor. I tried my best to ignore it and readied myself for school. I walked into the living room and saw my dad on the couch. the filthy bastard. how could he sleep after he damaged my soul like that? how could he live with himself after what he did? I know, he can sleep because you caused this. you did something to cause this. its all your fault, so shut up and take what you get. the next time you feel sorry for yourself, remember you deserve this.

sorry for spelling errors, im writing this on my phone. ill do my best to correct them. please comment your opinions, is like to know what you think. (: thanks.